To the very core I am a rebel. My spirit rebels against injustice, inequality, prejudice of any kind and most of all I rebel against conventionalism. Many times I fight against myself, I remember feeling like I just didn’t fit the mold as a kid and always being uncomfortable in my own skin. I hated it but, at some point in my mind my enemy became my friend and being different began to define me.
Rebellion was a way of life, the saying rebel without a cause comes to mind…looking back my rebellion seemed purposed to try and find my way out of pain to mask it with what was comfortable or brought me relief in the moment. So, I let my rebellious nature win out more times than not. Its has not always been a conscious choice but many times it was. I have chosen to not listen to the Holy Spirit’s prompting in heart and steered myself directly into the destruction I continued to create for myself.
Over the weekend during the sharing time of my 12 step study I was discussing this subject and I had a sort of epiphany. In our study guide we listed things that we use or have used to block pain…I realized that one of the greatest ways I used to avoid pain was to distance myself from God through rebellion against His call on my life. He wanted me to turn my eyes to Him. I wanted my way. I didn’t see that through those promptings He was trying to bring me freedom not oppression.
Truth be told the most satisfying and greatest rebellion of my life was the day I rebelled against my own nature and decided to be a rebel with a cause. The cause of Christ. He has always had a plan for me, a plan that even though it is still in its developing stages is allowing me to see what a beautiful thing it is to have God using my life and the parts of me that I attributed to being negative to further His kingdom. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
He is showing me that there are so many healthy ways to exercise my rebellious soul, He’s helping me to daily to rebel against hatred, needless shame, lies of the enemy, and apathy. He’s showing me I can rebel against the pull of anxiety, fear, worry, selfishness, addiction to food, devices, media, the unhealthy ideas I harbor of romantic love and the desire for more that plagues me and our society. He says…”Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; will not fear; what can man do to me?” Hebrews 13:5-6
Praise God for the provision he has provided for this rebellious daughter. I pray that I can continue to rebel against myself and the world to live God’s purpose for me with unwavering hope for the future in the shadow of His grace and truth.