I think it’s important for me to post about my life during recovery because it truly can help me gain perspective and gives me something to look at when times are bleak or really awesome. I’ve made some decisions on the things I should be focusing on first. There is far too much to conquer all at one time so I’m trying to think about doing it in manageable pieces. For example I would like to be more responsible with my spending habits ensuring I have enough to cover the month reoccurring things like car insurance, gas, cell phone…you know the things that help you do your life.
My small group has been hard but I feel like I’m finally getting it and taking little steps towards openness and transparency. I appreciate that I have place where I can be completely real and forthright with no fear of retribution or judgment. I can see how this could help me get to the deeper issues the things that truly have caused the chaos.
I was having a panic attack a few weeks ago and I felt like I was literally losing my mind. I would vacillate between smiling and giggling at the show I was watching and sobbing. I felt like my mind wasn’t my own, with my feelings all over the place I kept getting this sense or more a reoccurring thought much like ‘a still small voice’ (1 Kings 19:11-13 KJV) saying get on your knees and pray. Now the verses I mentioned in my last post are still ringing very true for me that the fires of my affliction are burning hot. But I feel like maybe I have more control over them than I previously thought. And by control I mean I am the greatest causation factor for them in a sense…I’m sorry if that doesn’t make sense…it’s hard to put my crazy thoughts into cohesive explanations. (Thankfully I have people in my life who speak fluent Jennessease and can decipher the crazy when it comes out. :)) So as to eliminate excuses I got myself ready for bed grabbed my Bible and got on my knees. I was broken in prayer but was also led to a glimmer of hope…I reread the verses that I had been lead to before about being refined in the fire…but I also turned to my favorite verse…Revelation 21:4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away”…I usually stopped there but that night I kept reading…not only will there be relief an end to pain but, 5. “He who was seated on the throne said, I am making everything new! Then, he said “Write this down for these words are trustworthy and true.” He said to me: “I am the Alpha and the Omega the Beginning and the End. To him is thirsty I will give drink without cost from the spring from the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son.” The overcomer will inherit God’s kingdom. That came as such a comfort to me as someone who has been long suffering.
My point is though the journey is long and the road fraught with pain and most likely more suffering that glimmer remains. God has something special planned for His children that overcome what seem to be unbeatable odds…
My prayer? That the glimmer becomes a roaring fire one that lights my path and the world around me so that though “I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for (I will know that) he is with me his rod and his staff will comfort me”… (Psalms 23:4) All the personal demons of the past will be put a faint memory…how I long for those days and so plunge forward into the unknown of recovery and try to embrace hardship as the pathway to peace.