Monthly Archives: June 2013

Grrr…

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Grrr…that is all I have for now I wrote a whole post that got lost in WordPress land. Frustrated with moving and finances…I just need to get through this week and get everything done on time. Grrr…ok off to pack more and find a place to call my own. Dang it I hate moving!!

Jenness

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Busy…

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I have been so busy that I haven’t even considered sitting down and writing even though I have wanted to. Things have been interesting because I am at work more hours but I am working less. They have me working split shifts and in an effort to save gas I have been staying at work. On top of being busy with work I have to move out of my place in 10 days and I do not have a new home to go to as of yet. I may have to stay with family for a few days or weeks.

This is a point of frustration for me it has been very hard to find an affordable place that fits our needs and has everything I want in a house I have a list in my mind and I just can’t¬†budge. Energy efficiency is a top priority for me I wont go back and pay high utility bills again. Of course Peanut has a list of her own in her head that includes a pool and a pool oh yes a pool. Awe to be young and single-minded again. ūüôā

I think that one of the biggest stress factors for me has been the time away from my Peanut…I have been lucky to have been able to spend so much time with her from 0-5. So being gone from her for about 12 hours a day has been very emotional for me. I also am struggling because with all the time we have been spending away from each other she is never happy to see me when I go get her she immediately has an attitude change and starts whining and not listening to me…telling me how much she doesn’t want to go home. I don’t know if this is “normal” or common but it is very hard for me to not be hurt by. When I am working I miss her so much sometimes it hurts.

Today I didn’t work until 1pm so I was excited to have time with her this morning. But it turned out to be a crying disaster of a morning and all the things that I wanted to do didn’t happen. I had a talk with her about her attitude towards me and our time together but I am not sure how much of what I say really soaks in.

The next two days I have to work 10 hour shifts so I am off to get some rest if anyone has some Mommy/kid advice I would welcome it. ‚̧

Jenness

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Home…

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My Peanut got home on Sunday from camping and my heart began to overflow with joy I missed her so much. I held her in a big¬†squish and let the tears roll down my cheeks…my heart was at home with her in my arms. I love my baby girl so much and I am one lucky Momma. ‚̧

Jenness

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My little Hispania came home looking like a beautiful brown bunny!! Such a beauty inside and out!!

brown bunny

Bearing The Burden…

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Bearing the burden of time gone by without so much as a sigh from the passersby…

Bearing the burden of mistakes with so many fakes…

Bearing the burden of my world gone awry so many tears¬†to cry…

Bearing the burden of the unspoken why couldn’t I have been awoken…

Bearing the burden of the fears from all these years…

Bearing the burden of the unknown feeling all alone…

Bearing the burden of quintessential potential never fulfilled….

Bearing the burden of pounds of protection my form of deflection…

Bearing the burden of¬†my folly creates melancholy…

Bearing the burden of sin that did not come from within…

Matthew 11:28  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Praise you Lord for the times you have given me rest.

Jenness

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Left Behind…

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My whole life I have had this feeling of being left behind…I have never been content I always felt I was missing something, like a lost puzzle piece. I remember as a child walking up my driveway with my sisters and brother and getting so mad because they always went faster than me and left me behind. I would cry and hurt would well up inside me.¬†So many stories like this flash in my memory from childhood until today.¬†I don’t think my siblings were not trying to be hurtful.¬†I just did not want to be left behind or miss out on something.

I was born three weeks late but when I finally decided to show myself to the world it was in a blaze of glory…I was born in 45 minutes they didn’t even have time in the emergency room to get my Mom to a room so I was delivered in the hallway. I love this story…partly because it speaks to my personality.¬†I have always come to understand things in my own time and lived by the seat of my pants. There are some great parts of my personality like my¬†loyalty, forgiving nature and passion.¬† But, my impulsive, late bloomer way¬†that came at the very¬†beginning of my life has been a reoccurring theme. This deep sense of not belonging and being left behind while everyone else was moving forward, moving beyond where I was. I felt inadequate, I felt trapped, and like the wounds of the past will always haunt me and keep me in destructive patterns. With all the things weighing me down, keep my head above water has seemed like a momentous task at times.

Sometimes this feeling of life passing me by would come and it felt like my heart being ripped open¬†from the inside out. I have¬†thought and hoped¬†that if¬†just one thing would change it all and that I would be normal. But I was always left behind by the people I wanted most friends and lovers and it¬†all culminated to me¬†feeling empty and feeling¬†unwanted.¬†Why I have it so ingrained into the fabric of my being to put so much into the relational aspects of my life I do not know…but nothing strikes fear in my heart the way losing a relationship does. I feel like I will lose a part of myself if I lose someone who is important to me. My grandmother was a huge part of my everyday life for many years and she passed nearly 5 years ago…not one day goes by that I do not think of her and miss her. I am relational to the core of my being!!

After my daughter was born life changed and the focus shifted I was distracted and my heart began to gain some perspective.¬†But I still feel that twinge a mixture of sorrow, rawness and loneliness. As, I have been feeling that lately. But, I would really like to come to a place where I feel content…peaceful no matter the circumstances. The feeling of wholeness. As the tears roll down my face writing this I am trying to seek truth and cling to it. I know I am not truly alone and that everything can be used for good…I just need to find that outlet and begin once again to peel back the layers to find my true self under all the feelings of insecurity and loneliness¬†also come to the¬†realization that I am not being left behind…that maybe my timetable for things is just different from¬†other people’s. I pray that God provides me relief, sanity and peace…and it would be great if they were wrapped¬†with a pretty bow sitting on my doorstep in the morning. ūüėÄ

Jenness

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Tired and Grumpy…

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Lately I am so tired and grumpy…I have been trying to keep my head up and to push through especially at work. My emotions are running high and I am unsure how to keep combatting the feelings. Anxiety and depression are like¬†a demon on my shoulder they taunt me and tempt me to give in to them. I have been under slept and have not been eating right due to being low on funds and ambition. I know that the combination is¬†contributing to my grump. My little Peanut is out-of-town once again in Hell’s Canyon for a camping trip with my dad’s side of the family. So I have the weekend to myself once more. The last time she was gone I was productive and it felt nice getting things done so I have high hopes for this weekend to pack and clean house.

It is interesting to me how depression works in my life. I have been in the midst of it for so long it has been hard to see through the haze to the catalytic event that started it off. But last year I lost a beloved job, a relationship that I was all wrong about and was unemployed for 6 months…oh yes and I withdrew from school a long-held dream that I wanted to succeed at and complete. I didn’t initially feel like things were going downhill but the longer Peanut and I were at home the more testy and anxiety ridden I got. I kept thinking that things would brighten up and that the cloud over my life would dissipate and the sun would come up. But things got worse. In my post Undone By Anxiety¬†I detailed the worst of it all, the feelings of being out of control and the hatred I feel towards not being able to control my emotions and moods. Things now are not as bad but from experience I know they could be quick.

I just want to pull out of my funk love my life and not be worrying, crying and getting frustrated over the little stuff every 5 seconds. :/ ¬†I had a¬†little¬†phrase that kept running through my head¬†the other day¬†and in a teachable¬†moment I said it to my daughter…save your tears for the important things if you use them all up on the wrong things you may not have them when you need them. Of course I know that tears are unlimited but I think the heart of what I was getting at was just as much for me as they were for her…the everyday stresses of life come and go. But, the things that matter in life-like relationships with family and friends, our faith in God, serving people¬†¬†and finding our Godly purpose deserve out time attention and tears.¬†Truly there are¬†necessary lessons in life that bring us to our knees so that we can rise again stronger deserve our devoted attention. We can use the struggles and the pain as the refining fire of our souls. I am not minimizing the everyday stresses I just want to put them into perspective, allow my brain the freedom to focus on the real reasons that I am battling the blues…

I keep telling myself get through this month of a broken car and finding a new home, on the upside I get to organize and decorate a whole new space…which is literally the only good thing about moving. ūüôā The other bright spot is that I have always come out the other side of every hardship. So,¬†I am still here fighting and¬†praying.

Jenness

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Happy Dance Day…

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Today is a happy dance day I got my car back after 3 to 4 weeks in the shop. Yay!! Holy cow I am so happy that I finally do not have to rely on anyone else to get me to and fro from work, the store, and everywhere else I have needed to go. I hate having to rely on other people for the everyday stuff!! I feel guilty and like a burden whenever I have been in this situation. Even with that said I think it is an odd thought that when someone is in need that they have to feel a burden to those who are willing to help. My lovely friend Abby has been so very helpful through it all! As well as my dad and various other s who sacrificed gas and time to drive me and Peanut around. As Abby was taking me to my car this evening I thanked her and I told her how grateful I was for all the help. She teased me but said it was really no big deal. But to me to was a big deal I am so grateful for all the people who helped while Nina the Nissan was out of commission.

THANK YOU ALL YOU LOVELY HUMANS!! Now you can do a happy dance too!! Oh and send up some prayers that Nina Nissan stays in good health. ūüôā

The pictures are from the day after I bought Nina. ūüôā

Jenness

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