Monthly Archives: November 2013

Why God?…

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Why God?? I have been told many times as a believer that you are not supposed to ask God why…but I say why can’t I if it helps me to process and communicate with God. (By the way I have always been a bit of a rebel and “rule breaker”) to me it’s like picking up the phone and venting to a friend. Today I am seriously asking why God? Not in a frantic, panicky way but in a I wish I had a solution way.

I am giving the anxiety a serious battle today! I am so close to a panic attack, I can feel it creepy its nasty fingers around my heart and mind, the tears are just at the surface and have been for days. The tingling in my face have been prevalent for 3 days now and the shaking started this morning. And I am seriously asking God why…why is this battle one that I have to fight? I hate the desperation it brings to my life. I hate the emotional and physical exhaustion it brings. As I am sitting at my keyboard I am seriously battling not walking out of my job and going home. But, I am taking deep breaths and continuing to try to fight back.

My life has brought me many challenges and that is part of why I am asking God why…I am abnormal and to a degree I embrace this fact but not when the abnormal creates apparent dysfunction. I don’t want to feel overwhelmed to the point where I can’t function. I don’t understand if I can feel it coming if I am trying to combat it why it still hits me like a brick wall. Why I can’t seem to prevent it and why when I cry out to the Lord the enemy of my peace of mind doesn’t part from me. Why Lord must this be a burden I bear, I HATE IT!! I hate that I can’t overcome my demon of destruction…I have tears of shame and sorrow streaming down my face and though I openly rebuke Satan and his attack on me, my body remains at war with my desire for peace.

The only thing I can think is that it is serving a purpose…I am someone who tries to rely heavily in her intuition and I have had a particular thing running like a train at full speed through my head (a phrase really)…The refiners fire. I literally just looked this up…according to Dictionary.com refiners fire means…to bring to a fine or a pure state; free from impurities 2.to purify from what is coarse, vulgar, or debasing; make elegant or cultured. Then, I looked it up in the bible and am brought to my knees in tears…God is talking to me he is laying on my heart the things he wants me to hear…I have either ignored the still quiet voice for so long that I couldn’t hear it or I just disregarded it. I have spoken in this very blog about feeling a disconnect with my Heavenly Father that my communication with him had hit a stalemate. Maybe that is why the verses I read hurt so bad…maybe that is why my tears ran hot down my face blurring the words that were screaming out of the page…

Isaiah 48:10 Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.

1 Peter 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

Psalm 66:10-12 For you, O God, have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried. You brought us into the net; you laid a crushing burden on our backs; you let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water; yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.

1 Peter 1:7 So that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

Oh my good grief He’s breaking me. I don’t know how to feel…but I guess my why has been answered loud and clear. Since I am at a loss of words I will let some of the Serenity Prayer say it for me…I am trying to be…Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.

Jenness

c/s

P.S. As a side note I don’t think that God is punishing me I believe that the things I am experiencing are as a consequences of my own conscious or unconscious choices…everything good and bad that you do in your life has a consequence…

The version of the Bible is the ESV. And the Serenity Prayer is the one used by Celebrate Recovery.

Christian Recovery…

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I have started in a recovery program…a Christian Recovery program. It is called Celebrate Recovery (CR). I do not have a drug problem or a problem with alcohol but I am in recovery. In the beginning I wasn’t quite sure why in the world I was there. But there I was coming off the most public of my panic attacks and I knew something had to give. I had thought many times about attending CR I never really thought I “needed” it. But I had made a promise to attend and I did.

I am about 2 months into attending CR and I have learned a lot but last night through the flowing tears while listening to the testimonies during chip night, I came to a realization…I wanted to be there. I want to be receiving a 30-60-90 day chip and to experience that kind of accomplishment. One particular thought that I had, was how wonderful it felt to close my eyes and sit in one of the pews I have been sitting in for the past 30 years and to be consumed by the warmth and comfort of the worship. To be surrounded by the familiarity of my home church, and then something else  struck me…I am extremely grateful for First Baptist and the role it has had in my life. I have experience extreme highs and lows in those walls, I have met people who forever changed my life there. I watched my mother faithfully serve, I have seen my siblings be baptized, married, and dedicate their babies lives to the Lord in this place. I remember looking out into the audience during pageants and watching my moms lips moving (reciting my lines) as I recited my lines and having to turn away so that I didn’t laugh and mess up. When I was a teenager I watched my father so determined to start his walk with Christ separate hand after hand making his way to the front of the church to dedicate his life to the Lord and then be baptized,  I dedicated my life to the Lord in this house of God, I was baptized here and I dedicated my Peanut to the Lord between those precious walls. I know that they are just brick and mortar I know that the plaster has no meaning or significance in the Kingdom of Heaven…it is what has happened between the walls of First Baptist…its the lives that have touched mine, the inspiration from the pulpit and from the beautiful souls God put in my path there. I realized somewhere very deep why God asks us to have fellowship with other believers and to have a church “home”. It is of vital importance to our hearts, minds and souls. I didn’t want to attend CR at my church I didn’t want people I know to see my ugly, my pain and my reality. I thought that the judgment would seep from their pores and that I would feel shamed for needing to be there. But God’s true family has nothing to do with those things, those thoughts and feelings are used as tools by the devil to drive a wedge into the Kingdom of God and between His people. And I have found no hint of that just understanding and acceptance.

And now I am starting on the path to recovery from my hurts, my bad habits and the things that have kept me in a place of panic, anxiety, shame and extreme pain. What better place than where I feel most at home? Where I can come as just me before my Lord and ask for help from the great physician. Recovery is not just for people with chemical dependency issues. It is for the beaten down and broken. It is for the hurting and desperate. And it is for me. I have more issues than I can even list! But, the way I see it is that I am starting somewhere and the road to healing is leading me back home in the arms of  God.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light.” Matthew 11:28-30

Something was said during a lesson (during CR) awhile ago, the speaker was taking about pride (I think) and he said…”do you want to be right or do you want to be well?” This spoke to me somewhere very deep and for me I want to be well. During this whole process I have started to listen to Christian music everyday at work in the car it was a small change that has made a difference not only in attitude for me, but also for my daughter, it warms my heart to hear my Peanut sing praises to her Heavenly Father. ❤

A particular song has spoken loudly to me is Strong Enough by Matthew West the lyrics are as follows…

Strong Enough”

You must
You must think I’m strong
To give me what I’m going through
Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I’m wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own
I know I’m not strong enough to be
everything that I’m supposed to be I give up
I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us
Well, maybe
Maybe that’s the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I’m finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that’s when I start looking up
And reaching out
I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Cause I’m broken
Down to nothing
But I’m still holding on to the one thing
You are God and you are strong
When I am weak
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Oh, yeah
I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be I give up I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough…
by Matthew West
Jenness
c/s