Tag Archives: anxiety

Recovery

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Recovery is not for the faint of heart. It is however for the bold, the brave, the desperate, the addict, the weary and the broken. You simply have to be human to need recovery. The human condition is such that breeds hurt, dysfunction and pain. No one is immune because no one is perfect. There is a perception that recovery is for “those” people. Well I’m here to say it absolutely is for “those” people for your mom, dad, sister, brother, boss, pastor, best friend and for YOU. Celebrate Recovery is for definitely me. I have been in recovery now for 2 plus years and it is the best thing I ever have done for myself. If you look back at my blog there is some dark and desperate posts that characterized my battle with panic and anxiety. I was a person who didn’t think recovery was for me and I didn’t need help, I would figure it out on my own. I could not have been more wrong, I was in a constant state of chaos, reeling from hurt, ignoring God and saying yes to all the wrong people and situations. I was lost and I couldn’t even see it.

The first day I walked through the doors of Celebrate Recovery was probably one of the most transformative days of my life. That’s the day I started saying yes to God and no to my own way. Allowing God to transform me into the person He wants me to be and it has been one of the hardest battles I’ve faced. One of the hardest things in recovery is to face the truth. The truth that I and I alone was responsible for my pain, that I cant do it on my own and need help. Yes people hurt, took advantage and negatively affected my life, but I made the choices that created chances for people to hurt me. I didn’t protect the life and heart that God had given me from the sickness of the world. I had become casual about sin and had a someday attitude. Some day I will live for Christ, when I am through school, happily married, thin, more financially stable…the list goes on. Someday hit me squarely between the eyes and said NO TODAY IS THE DAY YOU CHANGE YOUR LIFE. My panic attacks were debilitating and getting worse everyday. I wasn’t functioning anymore and I tried to fool myself into believing that I could just muddle through it. But I was slowly dying it was a matter of time and I would have been dead. Maybe not physically but emotionally, spiritually dead. In reality I was there and it was no kind of life it was pure torture.

Miracles still happen God brought me, the dead, back to life.  I have now been 2 years without a panic attack, but the most miraculous thing that has happened since I have been in recovery is that I have a renewed faith and sense of hope. God has brought me out of denial and apathy onto a path of redemption, grace, forgiveness, truth and spiritual growth. He brought me to Himself and is allowing me to enjoy my progress and see my growth. He is showing me how to use my life in service to him and I love the work He is doing in me. For the first time in many years I can say that this year is going to end on a high note and I am looking forward to what God has for me next year!

Jenness

cr welcome

Updates On Life In Recovery…

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I think it’s important for me to post about my life during recovery because it truly can help me gain perspective and gives me something to look at when times are bleak or really awesome. I’ve made some decisions on the things I should be focusing on first. There is far too much to conquer all at one time so I’m trying to think about doing it in manageable pieces. For example I would like to be more responsible with my spending habits ensuring I have enough to cover the month reoccurring things like car insurance, gas, cell phone…you know the things that help you do your life.

My small group has been hard but I feel like I’m finally getting it and taking little steps towards openness and transparency. I appreciate that I have place where I can be completely real and forthright with no fear of retribution or judgment. I can see how this could help me get to the deeper issues the things that truly have caused the chaos.

I was having a panic attack a few weeks ago and I felt like I was literally losing my mind. I would vacillate between smiling and giggling at the show I was watching and sobbing. I felt like my mind wasn’t my own, with my feelings all over the place I kept getting this sense or more a reoccurring thought much like ‘a still small voice’ (1 Kings 19:11-13 KJV) saying get on your knees and pray. Now the verses I mentioned in my last post are still ringing very true for me that the fires of my affliction are burning hot. But I feel like maybe I have more control over them than I previously thought. And by control I mean I am the greatest causation factor for them in a sense…I’m sorry if that doesn’t make sense…it’s hard to put my crazy thoughts into cohesive explanations. (Thankfully I have people in my life who speak fluent Jennessease and can decipher the crazy when it comes out. :)) So as to eliminate excuses I got myself ready for bed grabbed my Bible and got on my knees. I was broken in prayer but was also led to a glimmer of hope…I reread the verses that I had been lead to before about being refined in the fire…but I also turned to my favorite verse…Revelation 21:4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away”…I usually stopped there but that night I kept reading…not only will there be relief an end to pain but, 5. “He who was seated on the throne said, I am making everything new! Then, he said “Write this down for these words are trustworthy and true.” He said to me: “I am the Alpha and the Omega the Beginning and the End. To him is thirsty I will give drink without cost from the spring from the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son.” The overcomer will inherit God’s kingdom. That came as such a comfort to me as someone who has been long suffering.

My point is though the journey is long and the road fraught with pain and most likely more suffering that glimmer remains. God has something special planned for His children that overcome what seem to be unbeatable odds…

My prayer? That the glimmer becomes a roaring fire one that lights my path and the world around me so that though “I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for (I will know that) he is with me his rod and his staff will comfort me”… (Psalms 23:4) All the personal demons of the past will be put a faint memory…how I long for those days and so plunge forward into the unknown of recovery and try to embrace hardship as the pathway to peace.

Jenness

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Why God?…

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Why God?? I have been told many times as a believer that you are not supposed to ask God why…but I say why can’t I if it helps me to process and communicate with God. (By the way I have always been a bit of a rebel and “rule breaker”) to me it’s like picking up the phone and venting to a friend. Today I am seriously asking why God? Not in a frantic, panicky way but in a I wish I had a solution way.

I am giving the anxiety a serious battle today! I am so close to a panic attack, I can feel it creepy its nasty fingers around my heart and mind, the tears are just at the surface and have been for days. The tingling in my face have been prevalent for 3 days now and the shaking started this morning. And I am seriously asking God why…why is this battle one that I have to fight? I hate the desperation it brings to my life. I hate the emotional and physical exhaustion it brings. As I am sitting at my keyboard I am seriously battling not walking out of my job and going home. But, I am taking deep breaths and continuing to try to fight back.

My life has brought me many challenges and that is part of why I am asking God why…I am abnormal and to a degree I embrace this fact but not when the abnormal creates apparent dysfunction. I don’t want to feel overwhelmed to the point where I can’t function. I don’t understand if I can feel it coming if I am trying to combat it why it still hits me like a brick wall. Why I can’t seem to prevent it and why when I cry out to the Lord the enemy of my peace of mind doesn’t part from me. Why Lord must this be a burden I bear, I HATE IT!! I hate that I can’t overcome my demon of destruction…I have tears of shame and sorrow streaming down my face and though I openly rebuke Satan and his attack on me, my body remains at war with my desire for peace.

The only thing I can think is that it is serving a purpose…I am someone who tries to rely heavily in her intuition and I have had a particular thing running like a train at full speed through my head (a phrase really)…The refiners fire. I literally just looked this up…according to Dictionary.com refiners fire means…to bring to a fine or a pure state; free from impurities 2.to purify from what is coarse, vulgar, or debasing; make elegant or cultured. Then, I looked it up in the bible and am brought to my knees in tears…God is talking to me he is laying on my heart the things he wants me to hear…I have either ignored the still quiet voice for so long that I couldn’t hear it or I just disregarded it. I have spoken in this very blog about feeling a disconnect with my Heavenly Father that my communication with him had hit a stalemate. Maybe that is why the verses I read hurt so bad…maybe that is why my tears ran hot down my face blurring the words that were screaming out of the page…

Isaiah 48:10 Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.

1 Peter 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

Psalm 66:10-12 For you, O God, have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried. You brought us into the net; you laid a crushing burden on our backs; you let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water; yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.

1 Peter 1:7 So that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

Oh my good grief He’s breaking me. I don’t know how to feel…but I guess my why has been answered loud and clear. Since I am at a loss of words I will let some of the Serenity Prayer say it for me…I am trying to be…Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.

Jenness

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P.S. As a side note I don’t think that God is punishing me I believe that the things I am experiencing are as a consequences of my own conscious or unconscious choices…everything good and bad that you do in your life has a consequence…

The version of the Bible is the ESV. And the Serenity Prayer is the one used by Celebrate Recovery.

Bearing The Burden…

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Bearing the burden of time gone by without so much as a sigh from the passersby…

Bearing the burden of mistakes with so many fakes…

Bearing the burden of my world gone awry so many tears to cry…

Bearing the burden of the unspoken why couldn’t I have been awoken…

Bearing the burden of the fears from all these years…

Bearing the burden of the unknown feeling all alone…

Bearing the burden of quintessential potential never fulfilled….

Bearing the burden of pounds of protection my form of deflection…

Bearing the burden of my folly creates melancholy…

Bearing the burden of sin that did not come from within…

Matthew 11:28  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Praise you Lord for the times you have given me rest.

Jenness

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Tired and Grumpy…

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Lately I am so tired and grumpy…I have been trying to keep my head up and to push through especially at work. My emotions are running high and I am unsure how to keep combatting the feelings. Anxiety and depression are like a demon on my shoulder they taunt me and tempt me to give in to them. I have been under slept and have not been eating right due to being low on funds and ambition. I know that the combination is contributing to my grump. My little Peanut is out-of-town once again in Hell’s Canyon for a camping trip with my dad’s side of the family. So I have the weekend to myself once more. The last time she was gone I was productive and it felt nice getting things done so I have high hopes for this weekend to pack and clean house.

It is interesting to me how depression works in my life. I have been in the midst of it for so long it has been hard to see through the haze to the catalytic event that started it off. But last year I lost a beloved job, a relationship that I was all wrong about and was unemployed for 6 months…oh yes and I withdrew from school a long-held dream that I wanted to succeed at and complete. I didn’t initially feel like things were going downhill but the longer Peanut and I were at home the more testy and anxiety ridden I got. I kept thinking that things would brighten up and that the cloud over my life would dissipate and the sun would come up. But things got worse. In my post Undone By Anxiety I detailed the worst of it all, the feelings of being out of control and the hatred I feel towards not being able to control my emotions and moods. Things now are not as bad but from experience I know they could be quick.

I just want to pull out of my funk love my life and not be worrying, crying and getting frustrated over the little stuff every 5 seconds. :/  I had a little phrase that kept running through my head the other day and in a teachable moment I said it to my daughter…save your tears for the important things if you use them all up on the wrong things you may not have them when you need them. Of course I know that tears are unlimited but I think the heart of what I was getting at was just as much for me as they were for her…the everyday stresses of life come and go. But, the things that matter in life-like relationships with family and friends, our faith in God, serving people  and finding our Godly purpose deserve out time attention and tears. Truly there are necessary lessons in life that bring us to our knees so that we can rise again stronger deserve our devoted attention. We can use the struggles and the pain as the refining fire of our souls. I am not minimizing the everyday stresses I just want to put them into perspective, allow my brain the freedom to focus on the real reasons that I am battling the blues…

I keep telling myself get through this month of a broken car and finding a new home, on the upside I get to organize and decorate a whole new space…which is literally the only good thing about moving. 🙂 The other bright spot is that I have always come out the other side of every hardship. So, I am still here fighting and praying.

Jenness

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Its Creeping Back…

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Tonight I am exhausted and my body is aching from head to toe…to say that this work week has been crazy would be a gross understatement!! Yesterday my co-worker decided to let the kids “play” with a concoction of shaving cream, cornstarch and blue paint. OH MY GOOD GRIEF!! She put it all on the table and then walked away from class for about 20 minutes. Upon her return we had smurf children I am not even slightly joking. My one year olds (who by the way were naked for this ordeal) had it in their hair, on their bellies and in their mouths. When she walked through the door she realized her adorable, horrific mistake as I had a baby in the sink scrubbing off head to toe blue. I then scrubbed 8 more kidlets clean after that. We spent nearly 2 hours cleaning up the mess. The best laid plans sometime go aria…

Though my days are wild and wooly I am still enjoying my job very much. But the stress levels have certainly increased and a lot of that is due to the things that have been going on personally in my life. The anxiety that I was trying to get under control is creeping back into my life. The last two weeks my face has been tingling and going numb again and my emotions have been riding high. I have had a measure of control over it and am recognizing the symptoms. Even with knowing and trying to combat anxiety I am so afraid that it is going to come back full force with all the stress that has been in my life. I am afraid that once again I will feel hopeless and lose all of the peace that I gained after my last episode. Also, I feel as though the stakes are higher because I am working full-time and cannot check out of life without consequences to my job which would again drastically affect my life.

This next week things are changing for Peanut and I and I think that the changes will be good. I made the decision to take Peanut out of the center that I work in to save money for moving and her eventual tuition come fall. So, I had to find care for her while I work and my gracious family is willing to help me out and for that I am so grateful!! People who love my Peanut 100% watching over her and she gets her much desired time with her family!!! A win win situation. 🙂 ❤

Their help does ease my anxiety a bit and hopefully I can keep managing and finding better coping mechanism so that a full-blown episode doesn’t come on. I know that God promises that I can do all things with Him as my strength and I am leaning on that to help me through all my tomorrows. Tomorrow will come and the sweet faces of the kids at work will help me keep sane. I am taking retreat in my job and the feelings of accomplishment I am feeling once again being a contributing member of society. Praise God for his continued blessings.

Jenness

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Still Alive…

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I am headed into day five and I am still alive!!! I have enjoyed this week and am getting to know some pretty cool people. Today I got to hold babies all day!! Yep I snuggled, kissed and squished those little toots to my little hearts content it was grand!!! Mmm I love a beautiful squishy baby!! I still feel very peaceful about this new adventure and for that I am grateful I don’t have many of the new job jitters and I feel little anxiety this week and for that I am truly grateful my last battle with the demon anxiety was long and hard fought. I really am looking for ways to continue to have a positive outlook and to keep growing and finding ways to manage and cope with the inevitable trials that come on the path of life.

Part of my plan is trying to stay more outwardly focused, stay busier and to enjoy the process of my everyday life more…simple things like taking time to love on my fishy Blaze and clean his bowl, or doing the dishes so that when I get up in the morning I am not thinking of my failure to complete certain tasks from the day before. Peanut is enjoying getting out of the house and making new friends and that makes more peace at home. For which I am sure we are both grateful. For now I am continuing to enjoy a more peaceful heart and mind. Praise God for answers to prayers.

Jenness

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Learn from the past, set vivid,  detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which
you have any control: now.

Denis Waitley