Today is a happy dance day I got my car back after 3 to 4 weeks in the shop. Yay!! Holy cow I am so happy that I finally do not have to rely on anyone else to get me to and fro from work, the store, and everywhere else I have needed to go. I hate having to rely on other people for the everyday stuff!! I feel guilty and like a burden whenever I have been in this situation. Even with that said I think it is an odd thought that when someone is in need that they have to feel a burden to those who are willing to help. My lovely friend Abby has been so very helpful through it all! As well as my dad and various other s who sacrificed gas and time to drive me and Peanut around. As Abby was taking me to my car this evening I thanked her and I told her how grateful I was for all the help. She teased me but said it was really no big deal. But to me to was a big deal I am so grateful for all the people who helped while Nina the Nissan was out of commission.
THANK YOU ALL YOU LOVELY HUMANS!! Now you can do a happy dance too!! Oh and send up some prayers that Nina Nissan stays in good health. 🙂
The pictures are from the day after I bought Nina. 🙂
For some reason what ever man I have “been” with has affectionately been called “The Man.” I have yet to discuss much of my dating life on my blog because as a single mom (and obese woman) “dating” is a complicated task. A few months back I met Vincent he was a sweet and we enjoyed texting but things came up with him and he fell off my grid. But in the end of February he texted me again. We immediately hit it off and started talking and texting consistently. We met on a Big Beautiful Women website all those months ago and I have been certainly surprised that I found someone like Vincent on a dating website. He is kind-hearted, open, talkative, complimentary and he treats me with respect, something that has seriously been lacking in my past relationships. Most of the men in my past have used me for one purpose or another. The fairy tale for me has been a big fat LIE!! Frankly, I am grateful that I lost that notion because it allowed me to redefine what I really wanted. I want someone who listens to me and is just as attracted to my brain, heart, spirit and personality as he is to my other finer assets ;D.
As of late as far as dating was concerned, I have found friendships and mutual respect but never a connection that I felt was worth the work it takes to make the sacrifices that it takes to be a couple and to truly find out if we are right for each other. I appreciate the lessons I have learned and the I won’t bad mouth the men who have come and gone or come and stayed on as friends…but I will say that none of the ones who I saw potential with ever treated me like I was a priority or that I was someone who they respected enough to go the extra mile and try to be a real part of my life. And this lovely man happened back into my life and it is all different certainly not a fairy tale (as we discussed I don’t believe in that) but he brings a smile to my heart and face everyday, he encourages me, spoils me and makes me feel seen and heard. Our friendship is growing and everyday we learn more about each other. I appreciate that he sees me for me and that he doesn’t judge or make me feel bad about my shortcomings. I appreciate that he says wonderful, beautiful things to me like…”love your intelligence, goodness, personality, kindness, cuteness, etc.” I am a lucky girl to have met this man. I believe that people come into our lives for a reason to teach us something or to touch us in many different ways and so far he has touched my heart uniquely.
Though I have no idea what will happen with him and I, I do know that I am happily enjoying every moment of getting to know him. Each time I hear his voice or read one of his text messages I am filled with a warm glow. I am grateful that God has brought Vincent into my crazy life and that he is such a wonderful enhancement. For Easter his generous nature brought Peanut and I some sweet, thoughtful gifts and every time I see them I am reminded of him. We have yet to meet in person but I can’t wait until I can see him and get to know him more when we are face to face. He has never see the mountain’s, never seen animals in the wild, and never seen the gorgeous sunsets that only the Idaho skies can provide. ❤ I am so excited to share in some firsts with Vincent. 😀
Traces of her everywhere yet I don’t see the beauty before me the mess is her distress…calling me begging to see how much she needs to be seen today I see her art her and I hand in hand never apart lying everywhere like love letters to my heart…when did this start how could I have pushed her aside damn my foolish pride…my tears are falling my Lord gave me a calling to train and protect to have a positive effect…this little life was but a loan how could I have let her groan the pain heavy on a crazy brain mom driven to distraction when all she was asking was but a fraction…of time to show her love that came from above…wake up and take notice she is a beautiful Lotus embrace the life that was sent to you and no longer will she have to stew…thank God he can renew the purpose He gave to you cherish the moments for in there brevity must come much productivity hoping to bring to her life her true meaning and purpose.
I write this to remember to truly see my daughter and to actively participate in her life I was walking through the house tonight pushing the mess aside when I realized that Lily had drawn pictures all over the house of her and I and the things in her life she spent the whole day trying to get my attention and in my purpose driven mind I ignored her cries to me for attention and love, for companionship and the simplicity of me stopping my day to actually spending quality time together. As I write this I have tears streaming down my face because far too often is this the case my baby needs her mommy and I am too distracted to see it. How could I not see that I was hurting the most wonderful and important person in my life. It is my job to mold her and shape her into the person she was meant to be, to help her get the best start possible so that she can face all the things that life is going to throw her way. Praise God for 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances. Praise God for the unconditional love of my 5 year-old!! I must humble myself ask for forgiveness and do it better everyday.
Please God show me the way and the path you have for us show me how to be a better mom and to show her everyday how special she is and how much I love her. Let your love shine through me.
I have been wandering around in a fog and I feel just raw almost to the point of indifference. I write, I process, talk and I ponder trying to figure things out but I just feel like I have a big gaping open wound that I just can’t heal. So many things have happened this week that I am lost as to how to handle or work through. I feel like I need to put on a brave face and just keep trucking along when all I want to do is curl up and sleep for about a week. I have been on edge, down cast and been so lazy. I am torn up, things have been piling up not just from the last week but from the weeks, months and years of shit. You get just enough over things to be able to smile in the face of adversity. Just enough to be in the same room as someone who has hurt you or that you have hurt and not burst into tears or scream out at the top of your lungs about the pain you that has been perpetuated in the relationship. To think that maybe a little healing has come and then it hits you full in the face. All the hurt, pain and anxiety of unresolved issues that eat away at the floor of my confidence, resolve, faith and integrity.
The things that no one says are all the things I want to say. Right now, I am not ok. I do not want to smile. I am hurting…drowning some days in it and I want to throw up the white flag of surrender. Tears are streaming down my face in fear that this is all there is and that all I have dreamed of will always be just out of reach for me. I more and more am becoming a realist and not living in a world of fairy tales and happily ever after’s. The truth is IT DOES NOT HAPPEN FOR EVERYONE. This is not a pity party or a sonnet of sorrow begging for affirmation. It is that today I refuse to sugar coat the hurt I refuse to lie to myself about the truth I see but don’t always admit. I am broken and bleeding it is very painful and I don’t want to cower behind false vibrato and put on a happy face.
I wish I had better ways of handling the things that come at me. I wish I had learned healthy and healing habits that helped to perpetuate continual forward motion. I don’t, I have a broken down crazy brain, emotions that bring me to the pit of disparity and back to the height of joy all in a matter of an hour on occasion and a past of abusive situations and people…strung together with bad decisions that have created the situations I find myself in today. I lay no blame to others for my short comings. I think that circumstance bring us opportunities to either do it better or to let it bring you down. And a lot of the time I have let it bring me down.
Long suffering is something that I have been called several times before, I used to embrace the victim part of that idea. Oh poor Jenness people just don’t treat you right…isn’t it Dr. Phil who says…you teach people how to treat you? Here is the part that I would like to take away from it…strength. A wonderful friend told me…”You are stronger than most people think you are.” I want to believe that. I think for me seeing how things are realistically means that I have the opportunity to be stronger, wiser, and in the end may have more to offer in the ways of helping others get through the things that I have struggled with and through.
I know that part of me is just ranting and that in a few days the outlook will not be so grime and that with time I will see the sunnier side of things. And the truth is that no matter what has happened I have always come out the other side I wouldn’t say unscathed by any means in fact the opposite. The rawness that I feel is not new its has always been a part of me. I don’t remember a time when it wasn’t there I couldn’t define it before but it always lingered. Part of me thinks that it is was built into me to keep me more grounded I tend to have a pie in the sky attitude as well as the attitude of an eternal optimist. That is until life gets in the way. Potentially it was God’s provision for me because he knew what a slow learner I would be and also how stubborn I would become.
I long for peace and relief it is one of my greatest wishes. I pray and thank God for my struggles and trials I praise Him for the lessons He has brought. I would say that it has lessened the sting of things. Strangely, I never loss hope no matter how much I hurt or struggle the stubbornness that is ingrained so deep keeps me persistent in hoping for a better outcome in life. I seek better tools to manage when the dark clouds don’t lift and I feel trapped by the depth of the sorrow I feel for life’s circumstances. Today I don’t have the answers in mind but maybe I should let the rawness guide me to where I need to be and use it as a tool and not a hindrance on the path to the answers I seek. What I would ask of anyone willing is prayer. Pray for me and that I find productive and useful ways to use what I have and will experience to benefit myself, my daughter and any other person who crosses my path that can use my struggles and frustrations to guide them on a more peaceful path then the one I am on. And prayer for wisdom and peace.
Thank you for listening and supporting me by reading my words knowing I have an outlet such as this is in and of itself has been blessing and source of healing.
Those eyes have told so many lies but somehow I cannot despise for I recognize all the pain that came with this broken love train for I too have lit a fire for which I had no desire l admit that I didn’t want to commit that flattery was my method of battery I crave the rave review from ones like you and in the end I cannot pretend that me and thee didn’t fall from the same tree but the difference is this I persist to resist the temptation that ensnares ones of our persuasion I do not seek to to destroy or use hearts like a toy I seek to heal so that I can once again feel true love that hails from above I want to leave in my wake what only God can make I want to help re-create and pollinate the broken hearts that were left torn apart but first I must start with just one heart…mine.
Why do I have to be your downfall, why can’t I be the girl who gets it all…I don’t want to steal I want something real…Is it wrong to want to belong…To a man who takes a stand…I want a man who includes me in his plan…understand me now no longer will I allow…a casual creature to become a feature…no for I deserve better than a missing love letter…I deserve better than stolen chances and go nowhere romances…I will no longer be your downfall this girl will have it all.
To all the men who have given me less then their best to you I address…do it better…do it different…let casual fall to the side and let finding true love be your guide…no longer leaving carnage in your wake for lonely girls to partake…Find honor and truth do it in your youth for only free will you find true quality.
Leah my lovely little sister called me yesterday and told me that my grandmother saw an ad for the Treasure Valley Weight Loss Challenge http://www.hdiabetescenter.org/ and she wanted me to participate. Later my mother emailed me and then texted me about the same thing. I talked with her on Facebook later in the evening and we discussed the issue. I wanted some time to think about it and pray about it because the entry fee is $50 (my parents offered to pay the entry fee) and I wanted to be sure that I could commit to it because I don’t want to waste my parents money or time if I felt like I couldn’t commit whole-heartedly to this challenge. I prayed about it talked with some friends today and was thinking that maybe I should give it a go. I was sitting talking to my lovely friend Abby this evening having just discussed this topic with her and the logistics of it when my door bell rang. It was my mother. I was shocked as she rarely if ever has just popped by my house. She walked into my house with a purpose she had paperwork in her hand and said that my grandmother was greatly distressed about my health (as is she) and really wanted me to do this challenge. She pulled out the paperwork and her checkbook and started explaining it all.
I was a little surprised and overwhelmed by it all to be honest…this is such a personal and deeply entrenched battle that I face. I am scared shit-less I don’t want to fail I want health. But I have history, genetics and years and years of bad habits and frankly laziness to contend with. To tie it up with a pretty little bow I also have serious emotional ties this battle. Much of my life I have felt like I had little control with the things and circumstances of my life. And in the beginning I have grown to understand that I began to eat what I wanted, as a measure to say to the things I couldn’t control look there is one thing I can control…the things that I put in my mouth. At the time I certainly didn’t think that consciously it was more of a release of stress. Many things have catapulted me to the place that I am at now. In the last few months I have realized that I have a need for change I need to get out of my comfort zone and to live healthier hence my New Years Resolutions.
I am going to do it I am going to enter the challenge and begin a new journey. With that being said I have no idea where to start I have dieted, exercised, lost weight and found some success in the past. But I have always gained it back plus more. I have made serious attempts but never succeeded. I am concerned about my follow through, I am concerned about the emotional baggage I have to wade through. I am concerned that I will fail and disappoint the people who want this so bad for me. But I want to move forward and try to finally begin to conquer this battle. I would greatly appreciate prayer support moral support and if anyone wants to join me in this journey (I posted the link above and you have till the 20th to register) I would love to have a workout buddy, healthy recipes, anything you want to share with me in regards to this I am open too. I am sure that I will be posting much of my journey here in my blog of my everyday life and I hope that it is well received.
P.S. I was thinking about posting a before picture what are your thoughts on it?? Frankly I am very scared at the thought but it certainly would be motivate and help me to have the courage to change that image with my behavior.