Recovery is not for the faint of heart. It is however for the bold, the brave, the desperate, the addict, the weary and the broken. You simply have to be human to need recovery. The human condition is such that breeds hurt, dysfunction and pain. No one is immune because no one is perfect. There is a perception that recovery is for “those” people. Well I’m here to say it absolutely is for “those” people for your mom, dad, sister, brother, boss, pastor, best friend and for YOU. Celebrate Recovery is for definitely me. I have been in recovery now for 2 plus years and it is the best thing I ever have done for myself. If you look back at my blog there is some dark and desperate posts that characterized my battle with panic and anxiety. I was a person who didn’t think recovery was for me and I didn’t need help, I would figure it out on my own. I could not have been more wrong, I was in a constant state of chaos, reeling from hurt, ignoring God and saying yes to all the wrong people and situations. I was lost and I couldn’t even see it.
The first day I walked through the doors of Celebrate Recovery was probably one of the most transformative days of my life. That’s the day I started saying yes to God and no to my own way. Allowing God to transform me into the person He wants me to be and it has been one of the hardest battles I’ve faced. One of the hardest things in recovery is to face the truth. The truth that I and I alone was responsible for my pain, that I cant do it on my own and need help. Yes people hurt, took advantage and negatively affected my life, but I made the choices that created chances for people to hurt me. I didn’t protect the life and heart that God had given me from the sickness of the world. I had become casual about sin and had a someday attitude. Some day I will live for Christ, when I am through school, happily married, thin, more financially stable…the list goes on. Someday hit me squarely between the eyes and said NO TODAY IS THE DAY YOU CHANGE YOUR LIFE. My panic attacks were debilitating and getting worse everyday. I wasn’t functioning anymore and I tried to fool myself into believing that I could just muddle through it. But I was slowly dying it was a matter of time and I would have been dead. Maybe not physically but emotionally, spiritually dead. In reality I was there and it was no kind of life it was pure torture.
Miracles still happen God brought me, the dead, back to life. I have now been 2 years without a panic attack, but the most miraculous thing that has happened since I have been in recovery is that I have a renewed faith and sense of hope. God has brought me out of denial and apathy onto a path of redemption, grace, forgiveness, truth and spiritual growth. He brought me to Himself and is allowing me to enjoy my progress and see my growth. He is showing me how to use my life in service to him and I love the work He is doing in me. For the first time in many years I can say that this year is going to end on a high note and I am looking forward to what God has for me next year!
Silly, right? To get mad and do something like finish off the cookie dough in the fridge, (that was meant to be cooked, but didn’t quite make it to the oven.) But, that is just what I did. Let me clarify it wasn’t a ton of cookie dough we have had it for a while and several people have worked on it little by little but I finished it off. Yes a bad choice on my part but in certain moments things that I do, do not always make sense. Part of frustration that led to it this evening was that we have been having a renewal of the challenge of food stealing. I can tell you that I do not deny my child yummy things. But, for some reason she sneaks food. Sadly for her she is not sneaky enough and this Momma catches her every time. I do wonder at the phenomenon. But I digress that subject may be for another day. Though the cookie dough incident was not a shining moment I thankfully am beginning to see how my choices and the consequences of them have helped me mature and learn new ways of doing things. Finally!! And thank God!!
Have you ever been in a position where all of a sudden you realize you are more grown up than you thought? I had that realization while taking some time out this last weekend with Peanut girl and my dear, beautiful friend Jessica. As always with Jessica conversation flowed at ADHD brain speed and conversation jumping abounded. But the continuing thread throughout the conversation was one of realization and a sense of enlighten. Jessica is one of those people who helps me see myself clearer because she knows me so well. After ten years of some serious ups and downs trials and tragedies we still love each other and greatly enjoy each others company. I was grateful that she was free to spend some time soaking in the lovely, freshly re-opened and updated hot springs…The Springs – A Luxury Hot Springs Resort in Idaho City. What a beautiful and relaxing atmosphere nestled into Idaho’s beautiful mountains surrounded by pine trees. A fire was burning in the corner of next to the pool and it smelled great. Also, when it began to get dark they lit the tiki torches that surrounded the outdoor area. What a great way to soak my worries away. Peanut girl had a lot of fun and she didn’t even have a hard time following the rules. We had a glass of wine while sitting in the pool and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It was an amazing way to spend a Saturday evening.
We decided to go to the hot springs because things in my life have been crazy! I received a notice that I have to move from my house by the 30th of June and on the heels of that my car blew a head gasket!! Which I am not all too happy about I haven’t even owned it for a year. Grr! But, through it all I have been trying to keep perspective and I have had Vincent to help me with that. I have spoken a little about Vincent in my blog before but I am happy to say that he and I have had some forward motion and I greatly enjoy his opinion, insight and wisdom about the life and its stresses. He also has an amazing perspective on life and encourages me uniquely. I appreciate him and the role he has in my life. He is far more level-headed and logical than me with my crazy brains. 🙂 So, I am grateful he has come into my life and am looking forward to seeing what the future holds. Especially since he is a calming force in my wild ride of a life.
Throughout my break from blogging (because I have been tired and frankly lazy) I have had many things running through my mind that I would like to address…but the most prominent one is something my minister said on Sunday…he stated that God wants wealth for all of us. Many of the points he made throughout the rest of the sermon were poignant and I completely agreed with. He used the ant as an example to look to for hard work and dedication to task. I liked the analogy and appreciated the points he made but, the idea of God wanting wealth for all his children is one I must ponder on some more.
For now I must sleep on these thoughts and work them out another day because I have a 10 hour day at work tomorrow with 1 year olds. Oh my…pray for me. 🙂
Its late and I want to write…I should have been in bed hours ago this work thing is throwing me off I am supposed to be responsible and get plenty of sleep. Ugh I have never been good at this task and I love my late nights. After the last few days of an emotional roller coaster I think it will do me good to throw in the towel and give into the responsibility thing and get my bum to bed. Tomorrow will be great I get to snuggle the sweet babies at work and then have a girls night with my long time friend Jessica so…here is to a great tomorrow even if I didn’t get enough sleep. 🙂
Today I heard words I thought I would never hear (well read)…Kay’s murderer has been found. These words sent me into an emotional tailspin I didn’t know what to think or feel. I was sitting in a nap room with kids still awake and I had to cover my mouth so that I didn’t sob out loud. As soon as I got the chance I took a break from my class and went outside of work sat in a chair called my mom to talk for a few minutes. And then sobbed for a full 20 minutes. So many things where racing through my mind and so much pain surfaced that it surprised me. I was shaking and raw like it happened yesterday. I let myself feel every moment of it and just let it out crying as hard and loud as I needed to let it out so I could function at work for the next 3 1/2 hours. It is hard to articulate what I am feeling the best I can do is to say that its a mixture of relief, sadness, anger and pain. I tried the best I could to sort it all out in my brain.
Then I saw him, the man who ruined my life the perpetrator of such unspeakable evils. Anger and rage surged through me in that moment I hated him and I could feel it in my throat I wanted to scream at him, hit him and make him see the pain he created. Every filthy word I have ever heard to describe the evil that this man is were being silently screamed at him. 15 years of no answers and hurt spilling out of my brain I abhorred him.
And then…it hit me square in the face like a still small voice…On March 25th in memoriam of the 15 year anniversary of Kay’s death I wrote this blog post…15 years later. Now that there is a face to the monster it is so much harder to let God’s justice reign supreme. I want justice I want to see and hear all his reasons, for him to have remorse, basically I want answers. But there is that still small voice in the back of my mind that was saying pray. Pray and forgive. I resisted. I mulled it over through the rest of work and the calmer I got the more clearly I could hear what was being asked of me. I hate it I don’t want to forgive I want to hate this despicable piece of shit who ripped apart so many lives. Kay is not his only victim he is a life long criminal and a truly evil man. Evil deserve hatred in my book…right?? As, I have thought on this throughout the rest of my work day, I talked to several people and still there was that voice again pray and forgive. God’s words haunted me and so did my mothers. Not only does God say vengeance is His, but He also says to forgive, when asked about it He said…Matthew 18:21-22 21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Yep there it is in black and white and God is breathing this into my heart and mind. My mother has said it a million times to me…forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person it has everything to do with you. Harboring hatred and malice in my heart for a man who doesn’t even know my name and could care less about me…holding onto these feelings can eat me up, they could embitter me once again and falling into that trap hurts me and it hurts Peanut. It doesn’t change anything and it doesn’t make it any better.
I came to a place of peace some time ago in relation to her murder. I truly believe in the supreme justice that God provides. I believe that whether he faces the consequences for his heinous actions here on Earth or not he has to face his maker. God is the one who will right this wrong, he already has…so I will not give in to the hatred that is trying to edge its way in. As I was driving away from work with tears in my eyes I prayed for this perpetrator of my pain. I told God I didn’t want to do it and I will have to give it over to Him again and again but I don’t want to be ruled by this evil. I am rejoicing for the sense of closure it has brought. Peace and total forgiveness are going to take a lot of work but I know that God is with me and that He knows what is best for me and for my heart so I am going to trust Him and I am going to pray. Praise God for this answer to prayer praise Him that Kay’s family is getting closure. God is good. Tonight I was surrounded by my wonderful family who, on a moments notice came and had dinner with me to provide comfort and support and pay homage to this victory of justice. Thank you to my beloved family for always being there when needed. I literally could not have gotten through this without your loving support you are what kept me alive in my darkest days after this tragedy came to our lives. I appreciate your support it was like being wrapped in a warm blanket on a cold day for my heart tonight. I love everyone of you all the way to God. ❤
For the full story from past coverage to how it unfolded today here is the link to the Idaho Statesman…Kay Lynn Jackson.
For some reason what ever man I have “been” with has affectionately been called “The Man.” I have yet to discuss much of my dating life on my blog because as a single mom (and obese woman) “dating” is a complicated task. A few months back I met Vincent he was a sweet and we enjoyed texting but things came up with him and he fell off my grid. But in the end of February he texted me again. We immediately hit it off and started talking and texting consistently. We met on a Big Beautiful Women website all those months ago and I have been certainly surprised that I found someone like Vincent on a dating website. He is kind-hearted, open, talkative, complimentary and he treats me with respect, something that has seriously been lacking in my past relationships. Most of the men in my past have used me for one purpose or another. The fairy tale for me has been a big fat LIE!! Frankly, I am grateful that I lost that notion because it allowed me to redefine what I really wanted. I want someone who listens to me and is just as attracted to my brain, heart, spirit and personality as he is to my other finer assets ;D.
As of late as far as dating was concerned, I have found friendships and mutual respect but never a connection that I felt was worth the work it takes to make the sacrifices that it takes to be a couple and to truly find out if we are right for each other. I appreciate the lessons I have learned and the I won’t bad mouth the men who have come and gone or come and stayed on as friends…but I will say that none of the ones who I saw potential with ever treated me like I was a priority or that I was someone who they respected enough to go the extra mile and try to be a real part of my life. And this lovely man happened back into my life and it is all different certainly not a fairy tale (as we discussed I don’t believe in that) but he brings a smile to my heart and face everyday, he encourages me, spoils me and makes me feel seen and heard. Our friendship is growing and everyday we learn more about each other. I appreciate that he sees me for me and that he doesn’t judge or make me feel bad about my shortcomings. I appreciate that he says wonderful, beautiful things to me like…”love your intelligence, goodness, personality, kindness, cuteness, etc.” I am a lucky girl to have met this man. I believe that people come into our lives for a reason to teach us something or to touch us in many different ways and so far he has touched my heart uniquely.
Though I have no idea what will happen with him and I, I do know that I am happily enjoying every moment of getting to know him. Each time I hear his voice or read one of his text messages I am filled with a warm glow. I am grateful that God has brought Vincent into my crazy life and that he is such a wonderful enhancement. For Easter his generous nature brought Peanut and I some sweet, thoughtful gifts and every time I see them I am reminded of him. We have yet to meet in person but I can’t wait until I can see him and get to know him more when we are face to face. He has never see the mountain’s, never seen animals in the wild, and never seen the gorgeous sunsets that only the Idaho skies can provide. ❤ I am so excited to share in some firsts with Vincent. 😀
Awe what a lovely, beautiful and happy day!! My day was full of people, sunshine and was pretty peaceful even with extra kids, a playdate in the park, and the eggstravaganza at my church. I had little stress and lots of smiling all around. I really hope that there are a lot more days like this in store for the Peanut girl and I. We need it!! Tomorrow we are looking forward to Easter with my parents and Nana it should be another day of peace and will most likely be pretty quiet. I am also going to attempt my first real massage in 6 years!! So here is hoping that my Momma enjoys it and that I am not as horrible as I fear I am. 🙂 I have many pictures of our day and will put some up tomorrow with our Easter pictures. I hope that you all have a great Easter!!
Today was a day of cleaning and art…I cleaned house vacuumed, did dishes and watched my girls do art. I have been trying to do little bits of things everyday that contribute to the cleanliness of the house because the mess drives me seriously crazy. I feel like if I bite it off in manageable pieces I won’t feel so overwhelmed by the task. I love that we get to add people to our family by choice and Abby girl is someone I am grateful is a part of my family. She is an enhancement and I appreciate her willingness to help and play with Peanut girl. Many times she has swooped in and saved the day by being my cleaning fairy or my babysitter all without asking for anything in return, other than maybe a hot cup of coffee a good meal or a few of my tums that she thinks are yummy. 🙂 Abby is a beloved person in our home and we cannot imagine our lives without her. The pictures of the art are her and Peanut’s creations of a day of fun and art in the beautiful sun on Wednesday. (I love the warmth of the Sun I just wished it loved me.) 🙂 It was a relaxing and beautifully nice day. ❤