Monthly Archives: August 2013

Pride, Passion, Pain

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When I finally got off my bum and started working I was elated at the thought of being able to get ahead. To finally feel like I had some freedom to not worry about how the bills were going to get paid. That is not how things have turned out. Shortly after beginning my job I was informed that I had 6 weeks until my landlord was terminating my month to month lease about the same time I was realizing that I couldn’t afford to keep my daughter in the Childcare any longer. I began grasping at straws to try and figure out a game plan. I contacted my sisters and asked if they could help luckily they were willing and it has been a blessing to me knowing she was safe and loved. I have greatly appreciated their help!!
To say that this summer has been long would be a serious understatement!! I have spent 10-12 hours away from home and Peanut almost everyday, (minus weekends of course) I have lost my home and have personally been struggling with feelings of unworthiness, stress and shame for past decisions that are preventing me from putting a roof over my little loves head. On paper it appears that I make enough to survive and pay all my bills but the truth is my bank account has been running dry more often than not. The sting and shame of poverty weigh heavily on my heart and mind. My pride is bruised and the pain of my current situation streams down my face. I am overwhelmed and though I know that an end will come into sight I still feel at a loss as to how to get ahead.
I am a passionate and stubborn person and though I can admit wrong when I’m on the defensive (as I have been a great deal as of late) all my common sense goes out the window and I shut down. The battle against depression and anxiety is raging and I can feel myself fighting against it but slowly sliding towards it at the same time…Vincent has been a voice of reason and helped me to see things more clearly and helped me to continue to manage the right now. I appreciate the growing role that Vincent has in my life he is responsible, generous, helpful and has a far more logical approach to life than I and it is helping me keep things in perspective. I also have been trying to lead with prayer and have an ongoing conversation with God going in my head. But, my spiritual life seems disconnected while I’m rejoicing that my sweet Peanut has asked The Lord to live in her heart and wants to be baptized I feel disconnected in my relationship with God. I don’t doubt my faith or salvation but the personal relationship with Him I once enjoyed seems to be missing as of late and my soul feels exhausted. I can see in the ways He is taking care of Peanut and I that is hand is still there but I can’t FEEL it!
One thing I know is I have always come out the other side of things and though I am spinning like a top toward a cliff I know I will land safely maybe not in one piece and I will for sure not escape without bruises and breaks. But, over time they will heal and fade. I think scars are like a road map to where you are going, and though the road may not be easy or pretty, it can lead to somewhere beautiful if you navigate through the rocky patches with grace, humility and determination.

Jenness

c/s