Tag Archives: Bible

Why God?…


Why God?? I have been told many times as a believer that you are not supposed to ask God why…but I say why can’t I if it helps me to process and communicate with God. (By the way I have always been a bit of a rebel and “rule breaker”) to me it’s like picking up the phone and venting to a friend. Today I am seriously asking why God? Not in a frantic, panicky way but in a I wish I had a solution way.

I am giving the anxiety a serious battle today! I am so close to a panic attack, I can feel it creepy its nasty fingers around my heart and mind, the tears are just at the surface and have been for days. The tingling in my face have been prevalent for 3 days now and the shaking started this morning. And I am seriously asking God why…why is this battle one that I have to fight? I hate the desperation it brings to my life. I hate the emotional and physical exhaustion it brings. As I am sitting at my keyboard I am seriously battling not walking out of my job and going home. But, I am taking deep breaths and continuing to try to fight back.

My life has brought me many challenges and that is part of why I am asking God why…I am abnormal and to a degree I embrace this fact but not when the abnormal creates apparent dysfunction. I don’t want to feel overwhelmed to the point where I can’t function. I don’t understand if I can feel it coming if I am trying to combat it why it still hits me like a brick wall. Why I can’t seem to prevent it and why when I cry out to the Lord the enemy of my peace of mind doesn’t part from me. Why Lord must this be a burden I bear, I HATE IT!! I hate that I can’t overcome my demon of destruction…I have tears of shame and sorrow streaming down my face and though I openly rebuke Satan and his attack on me, my body remains at war with my desire for peace.

The only thing I can think is that it is serving a purpose…I am someone who tries to rely heavily in her intuition and I have had a particular thing running like a train at full speed through my head (a phrase really)…The refiners fire. I literally just looked this up…according to Dictionary.com refiners fire means…to bring to a fine or a pure state; free from impurities 2.to purify from what is coarse, vulgar, or debasing; make elegant or cultured. Then, I looked it up in the bible and am brought to my knees in tears…God is talking to me he is laying on my heart the things he wants me to hear…I have either ignored the still quiet voice for so long that I couldn’t hear it or I just disregarded it. I have spoken in this very blog about feeling a disconnect with my Heavenly Father that my communication with him had hit a stalemate. Maybe that is why the verses I read hurt so bad…maybe that is why my tears ran hot down my face blurring the words that were screaming out of the page…

Isaiah 48:10 Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.

1 Peter 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

Psalm 66:10-12 For you, O God, have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried. You brought us into the net; you laid a crushing burden on our backs; you let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water; yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.

1 Peter 1:7 So that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

Oh my good grief He’s breaking me. I don’t know how to feel…but I guess my why has been answered loud and clear. Since I am at a loss of words I will let some of the Serenity Prayer say it for me…I am trying to be…Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.



P.S. As a side note I don’t think that God is punishing me I believe that the things I am experiencing are as a consequences of my own conscious or unconscious choices…everything good and bad that you do in your life has a consequence…

The version of the Bible is the ESV. And the Serenity Prayer is the one used by Celebrate Recovery.


A Woman’s Worth…


How do you gauge a woman’s worth?

Is it based on her hair surely it must be there?

Is it her batting lashes that bring flashes of flirtatious fun?

Is it the sparkle and shine from a makeup line?

Is it the lips divine or her hips sublime?

Is it in her girth that you see her worth?

Is her worth contingent on beauty that only the eyes can see?

Is her worth between her thighs are lying deep in her eyes?

Is worth something of this Earth?

Is a brain something to disdain?

Is the soul being left to become a black hole?

Is the quality of her heart no longer a good place to start?

Woman of worth it was given to you at birth…

Don’t you see that your beauty lies with Me?

Daughters of Eve I want you to believe.

You are emitting rays of light; shining; bright for in you I delight.

Your Master and Maker never to be your heartbreaker.

Store up your treasures here for they are secure.

In Me you will forever see your beauty and worth are certainly nothing from Earth.

How do you gauge a woman’s worth…look beyond what only the eye can see surely you will find Me

In the depth of her heart lies so much wisdom to impart.

Laden with love sent from above

A rare breed indeed are the daughters of Eve.

Hold them tight and help them find My light.

The world tells woman that the gauge of their worth is solely on their outward appearance…we wax, tan, color and cut, diet and forever worry that the way we look will be acceptable, special, and that someone anyone will find us beautiful, desirable, and worthy of love. The truth is we already have all those things because we are loved and cherished by our Heavenly Father!! My greatest desire as a mother is to have a daughter who becomes a woman after God’s own heart who is secure and comfortable in her person because her worth is not based on things of this world. God gave us worth and I pray that women take stock in that and follow their God-given journey and through that find peace and purpose.



Matthew 10:29-31 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Looking Forward…


In the last week I have been so grateful that some people are only in our lives for a short time…I am shocked to be in this place because I am the kind of person who has a hard time letting people go. I am overly forgiving and I make allowances for people who I probably shouldn’t but many things and people have been helping to perpetuate me being able to not only exercise my NO muscles, but encouraging me in boldness and letting me know I am making productive decisions. I really think that everyone comes into our lives for a reason…to enhance, bring laughter, love and be helpers to you in life and vice a versa. And, then some people come into our lives to show us what we truly do not want. These are the kinds of people who granted leave and indelible mark on our lives but in the way that shows you how to avoid their type of person again.

For this I am grateful, I am grateful that when I am looking forward I can see people and their intentions more clearly. I am grateful that the broken road has a purpose and that when it is patched up it may not look so great but it is purpose is so much greater and when you do take the opportunity to look back all the potholes, crumbled patches and scars of the patchwork it shows you your strength and how far you have come. The road ahead is ripe with fresh opportunity to do it different and better and to reminds me that I can keep looking forward and enjoy what comes next.

I love and appreciate that God has granted me this perspective and is opening my heart to truth but also that I am not dwelling in bitterness and anger, I am beginning to have a grateful spirit for the trials I have faced. ❤

Revelation 21:4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[a] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.



Calming the Crazy…


Today I am having a hard time calming the crazy in my head I am breathing deep breaths and in an attempt to manage I did some house cleaning in the midst of my efforts my sister sent me a text today to encourage me…John 14: 26-28 “26  But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.  27  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. 28  “You heard me say, ‘I am going away and I am coming back to you.’ If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I.” That led me to my go to verse my favorite…Revelation 21: 4 “4‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Rarely have I read beyond that I have clung to those words in times of heartache and trouble like a life line to my heart…but today I was reading beyond those verses they seemed to accompany what my sister sent to me…”5He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” 6He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. 7Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.”

The parts that speak directly to my heart are…”I am making everything new…To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life.” I feel as though my soul is parched it is like a dry desert I pray I long and yearn for a solution as my face and arms are tingling and I am shaky herein the words that literally come the mouth of God are a promise to me He says everything will be made new and the thirsty will have their thirst quenched.  My faith is a struggle last night my mom said something that I related to she said that I “seem to be afraid to completely trust God”…and the answer to that is yes I am I have bared my heart and soul open my life and my time a hundred times over to only to have it made to be nothing to be taken for granted and taken advantage of and partnered with that I am scared that the work that is ahead of me will destroy me and the small measure of control I have over things now will slip away from me and I wont have days of being undone I will have a life of being unraveled and crazy. I am so afraid that what is going on is so much more deep than I want to go reliving pain and heartache are before me and I am not sure I can come out the other side of it better for it. I hide from the hurt and I shrink from situations that would highlight my weakness. Openness and vulnerability are nearly 4 letter words to a soul torn apart by abuse, guilt, shame and disappointment in the state of my heart and mind my lack of forward motion in life. I don’t think that I am defeated by these things but what I do think about them is that they need to serve a purpose and it is hard for me to clearly see why my trouble soul lingers and why I get just enough hope and progress to barely get me through another long valley…I want to embrace the words God breathed into the Bible and not live with such a restricted view. Long ago I thought outside of the box I was an optimist and though I tend to be that way with other people’s lives it is hard for me to apply that viewpoint to myself. Though I am experiencing the effects of the anxiety and the current struggles are yet without a solution the words, peace I leave with you; my peace I give you & do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid…are a reminder that I am not alone the fight is not only my own but my Heavenly father cares He doesn’t want me to despair and to let my heart be troubled. He wants me to have peace through it all and to fight for these things.

The rawness and sharp pain of a life not fully lived and appreciated is in and of itself a struggle. I want to be the person God purposed for me to be and I see glimmers of that woman and for that I am grateful…but for the uncontrollable things in my life for the things rob me of my sanity and steal moments of joy and peace from my Peanut and I. I need prayer, I need solutions and I need understanding. I want to come out on top of this a better Mom, person and even more than that a more faithful follower of the King of all creation…one thing I do know is that He has not and will not abandon me even in my darkest pit I have felt His hand and seen His devotion to me. I am always humble and touched that no matter my level of commitment that He still seeks me…what kind of love is this that the wayward child is still pursued by her Father the King of the universe who could have written me off and given me over to myself and the world. He loves me and honors the covenant I made at 8 with Him to be a follower of Christ…”29  Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. 30  And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  31  So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows” Matthew 10: 29-31

Facing whatever the day brings, seeking ways to cope in the midst of anxiety and frustration, trying remember the words I have read today are all part of what I think will help me come out the other side of this. I don’t have the answers and I am not ashamed to admit that. I think it would be more shameful to not reach out and seek help to wallow and let myself wither into a shell of myself. I pray for renewal of heart and mind to be freed from the shackles of anxiety and the feelings of inadequacy. God said it Himself…”even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.”



P.S. I took a lovely drive to Bogus Basin on Saturday it brought my heart and mind much peace God put on a real show in the skies…I would love to share His love letter to my heart in the form of the pictures of took of the beauty he created. ❤

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Day 6 Election Day…God and the drama of it all…



Today was a day to exercise my freedom to vote whether it really counts or not I am so happy that this freedom is allotted to me. I got to explain to my 5-year-old what it meant to vote and why I was voting. A seriously cool experience…I was raised a conservative Christian and as such a little close minded that NJis the nature of things when you are dealing with old school faith…in my growing up years I was plagued with guilt and feelings of being bad for not being a “good Christian”…judgment and unforgiveness was bred into my heart not because of the church but because I didn’t have clarity of heart about the true nature of Christ and his Father…now how this all relates to the election is when people speak in absolutes about what God would want and using your faith to beat someone over the head with your opinion about politics I can guarantee that has very little to do with what God would do…the Bible says in Ecclesiastes 7:20 “Indeed, there is no one on earth who is righteous, no one who does what is right and never sins” so who are we to judge? All these absolutes and intolerance in our society is sickening…democrat, republican WHO CARES we should be more concern with unity and working toward a greater goal that works toward what is best for humanity…one of my favorite authors is Donald Miller and he posted on his Facebook this quote…“I can’t think of much good an extremist has contributed to the world in any religion, including Christianity.” Freedom of speech is something that I enjoy on a daily basis. That being said when you use your words to bludgeon someone over the head with your extremism and you are unloving and unkind no matter if you are speaking in truth YOU ARE WRONG!!! Our country is falling apart at the seams because we can’t get along we do not love our neighbors in fact we are giving them a big fat middle finger saying unless you are like me I hate you. No wonder we are a much hated nation…I don’t care what seat you sit in to worship I don’t care what the color of your skin is and I don’t care who sleeps in your bed with you…what I do care about is how you treat others and what God wants is for us to love our neighbors as ourselves…Mark 12:29-31 29 “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.[e] 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’[f] 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[g] There is no commandment greater than these.”

The last part of this is a lesson for human kind not just for religious people…love and acceptance is key!!!! Lets all practice a little love today.


P.S. Love and acceptance doesn’t mean you have agree it means that you compassionately understand and respect the other person.