Category Archives: Blessings

Rebel With A Cause

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To the very core I am a rebel. My spirit rebels against injustice, inequality, prejudice of any kind and most of all I rebel against conventionalism. Many times I fight against myself, I remember feeling like I just didn’t fit the mold as a kid and always being uncomfortable in my own skin. I hated it but, at some point in my mind my enemy became my friend and being different began to define me.

Rebellion was a way of life, the saying rebel without a cause comes to mind…looking back my rebellion seemed purposed to try and find my way out of pain to mask it with what was comfortable or brought me relief in the moment. So, I let my rebellious nature win out more times than not. Its has not always been a conscious choice but many times it was. I have chosen to not listen to the Holy Spirit’s prompting in heart and steered myself directly into the destruction I continued to create for myself.  

Over the weekend during the sharing time of my 12 step study I was discussing this subject and I had a sort of epiphany. In our study guide we listed things that we use or have used to block pain…I realized that one of the greatest ways I used to avoid pain was to distance myself from God through rebellion against His call on my life. He wanted me to turn my eyes to Him. I wanted my way. I didn’t see that through those promptings He was trying to bring me freedom not oppression.

Truth be told the most satisfying and greatest rebellion of my life was the day I rebelled against my own nature and decided to be a rebel with a cause. The cause of Christ. He has always had a plan for me, a plan that even though it is still in its developing stages is allowing me to see what a beautiful thing it is to have God using my life and the parts of me that I attributed to being negative to further His kingdom. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

He is showing me that there are so many healthy ways to  exercise my rebellious soul,  He’s helping me to daily to rebel against hatred, needless shame, lies of the enemy, and apathy. He’s showing me I can rebel  against the pull of anxiety, fear, worry, selfishness, addiction to food, devices, media, the unhealthy ideas I harbor of romantic love and the desire for more that plagues me and our society. He says…”Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we can confidently say,  “The Lord is my helper; will not fear; what can man do to me?” Hebrews 13:5-6

Praise God for the provision he has provided for this rebellious daughter. I pray that I can continue to rebel against myself and the world to live God’s purpose for me with unwavering hope for the future in the shadow of His grace and truth.

Jenness c/s

 

Updates On Life In Recovery…

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I think it’s important for me to post about my life during recovery because it truly can help me gain perspective and gives me something to look at when times are bleak or really awesome. I’ve made some decisions on the things I should be focusing on first. There is far too much to conquer all at one time so I’m trying to think about doing it in manageable pieces. For example I would like to be more responsible with my spending habits ensuring I have enough to cover the month reoccurring things like car insurance, gas, cell phone…you know the things that help you do your life.

My small group has been hard but I feel like I’m finally getting it and taking little steps towards openness and transparency. I appreciate that I have place where I can be completely real and forthright with no fear of retribution or judgment. I can see how this could help me get to the deeper issues the things that truly have caused the chaos.

I was having a panic attack a few weeks ago and I felt like I was literally losing my mind. I would vacillate between smiling and giggling at the show I was watching and sobbing. I felt like my mind wasn’t my own, with my feelings all over the place I kept getting this sense or more a reoccurring thought much like ‘a still small voice’ (1 Kings 19:11-13 KJV) saying get on your knees and pray. Now the verses I mentioned in my last post are still ringing very true for me that the fires of my affliction are burning hot. But I feel like maybe I have more control over them than I previously thought. And by control I mean I am the greatest causation factor for them in a sense…I’m sorry if that doesn’t make sense…it’s hard to put my crazy thoughts into cohesive explanations. (Thankfully I have people in my life who speak fluent Jennessease and can decipher the crazy when it comes out. :)) So as to eliminate excuses I got myself ready for bed grabbed my Bible and got on my knees. I was broken in prayer but was also led to a glimmer of hope…I reread the verses that I had been lead to before about being refined in the fire…but I also turned to my favorite verse…Revelation 21:4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away”…I usually stopped there but that night I kept reading…not only will there be relief an end to pain but, 5. “He who was seated on the throne said, I am making everything new! Then, he said “Write this down for these words are trustworthy and true.” He said to me: “I am the Alpha and the Omega the Beginning and the End. To him is thirsty I will give drink without cost from the spring from the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son.” The overcomer will inherit God’s kingdom. That came as such a comfort to me as someone who has been long suffering.

My point is though the journey is long and the road fraught with pain and most likely more suffering that glimmer remains. God has something special planned for His children that overcome what seem to be unbeatable odds…

My prayer? That the glimmer becomes a roaring fire one that lights my path and the world around me so that though “I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for (I will know that) he is with me his rod and his staff will comfort me”… (Psalms 23:4) All the personal demons of the past will be put a faint memory…how I long for those days and so plunge forward into the unknown of recovery and try to embrace hardship as the pathway to peace.

Jenness

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Christian Recovery…

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I have started in a recovery program…a Christian Recovery program. It is called Celebrate Recovery (CR). I do not have a drug problem or a problem with alcohol but I am in recovery. In the beginning I wasn’t quite sure why in the world I was there. But there I was coming off the most public of my panic attacks and I knew something had to give. I had thought many times about attending CR I never really thought I “needed” it. But I had made a promise to attend and I did.

I am about 2 months into attending CR and I have learned a lot but last night through the flowing tears while listening to the testimonies during chip night, I came to a realization…I wanted to be there. I want to be receiving a 30-60-90 day chip and to experience that kind of accomplishment. One particular thought that I had, was how wonderful it felt to close my eyes and sit in one of the pews I have been sitting in for the past 30 years and to be consumed by the warmth and comfort of the worship. To be surrounded by the familiarity of my home church, and then something else  struck me…I am extremely grateful for First Baptist and the role it has had in my life. I have experience extreme highs and lows in those walls, I have met people who forever changed my life there. I watched my mother faithfully serve, I have seen my siblings be baptized, married, and dedicate their babies lives to the Lord in this place. I remember looking out into the audience during pageants and watching my moms lips moving (reciting my lines) as I recited my lines and having to turn away so that I didn’t laugh and mess up. When I was a teenager I watched my father so determined to start his walk with Christ separate hand after hand making his way to the front of the church to dedicate his life to the Lord and then be baptized,  I dedicated my life to the Lord in this house of God, I was baptized here and I dedicated my Peanut to the Lord between those precious walls. I know that they are just brick and mortar I know that the plaster has no meaning or significance in the Kingdom of Heaven…it is what has happened between the walls of First Baptist…its the lives that have touched mine, the inspiration from the pulpit and from the beautiful souls God put in my path there. I realized somewhere very deep why God asks us to have fellowship with other believers and to have a church “home”. It is of vital importance to our hearts, minds and souls. I didn’t want to attend CR at my church I didn’t want people I know to see my ugly, my pain and my reality. I thought that the judgment would seep from their pores and that I would feel shamed for needing to be there. But God’s true family has nothing to do with those things, those thoughts and feelings are used as tools by the devil to drive a wedge into the Kingdom of God and between His people. And I have found no hint of that just understanding and acceptance.

And now I am starting on the path to recovery from my hurts, my bad habits and the things that have kept me in a place of panic, anxiety, shame and extreme pain. What better place than where I feel most at home? Where I can come as just me before my Lord and ask for help from the great physician. Recovery is not just for people with chemical dependency issues. It is for the beaten down and broken. It is for the hurting and desperate. And it is for me. I have more issues than I can even list! But, the way I see it is that I am starting somewhere and the road to healing is leading me back home in the arms of  God.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light.” Matthew 11:28-30

Something was said during a lesson (during CR) awhile ago, the speaker was taking about pride (I think) and he said…”do you want to be right or do you want to be well?” This spoke to me somewhere very deep and for me I want to be well. During this whole process I have started to listen to Christian music everyday at work in the car it was a small change that has made a difference not only in attitude for me, but also for my daughter, it warms my heart to hear my Peanut sing praises to her Heavenly Father. ❤

A particular song has spoken loudly to me is Strong Enough by Matthew West the lyrics are as follows…

Strong Enough”

You must
You must think I’m strong
To give me what I’m going through
Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I’m wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own
I know I’m not strong enough to be
everything that I’m supposed to be I give up
I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us
Well, maybe
Maybe that’s the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I’m finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that’s when I start looking up
And reaching out
I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Cause I’m broken
Down to nothing
But I’m still holding on to the one thing
You are God and you are strong
When I am weak
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Oh, yeah
I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be I give up I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t you cover me
Lord right now I’m asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough…
by Matthew West
Jenness
c/s

Blessed…

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I am blessed!! After a very long and stressful week full of Doctor’s appointments ranging from ultrasounds to a CT scan. Lots of waiting I finally got answers. Friday morning the doctor’s office called and told me that everything is fine!! I honestly with everything in me believe that it was a total God thing that all her tests came back clear. My family, friends, and church family were praying for my little Peanut girl and it worked!! The swelling is all gone and the lump is barely palpable. I am a blessed woman to have a healthy child, great family and friends and God on my side. After the good news of Friday giving my daughter a clean bill of health we went straight into a busy weekend.

We had a breakfast play date with friends on Saturday morning and then off to go shopping with Abby girl. My girls were so sweet and generous with me Abby bought me a new dress and shirt they are pretty and cute I love them!! And Peanut bought me a plant, nail polish and new chapstick. I would say my lovely little family knows me very well and I am extremely grateful for them. I then check my mailbox to see if my Mother’s Day gift from Vincent had arrived as promised. I opened the mail box and there is was a gift from the man…I was so excited then I opened the package and was blown away…he bought me an iPod touch. I didn’t even know what to say I was speechless which is a rare occurrence. 🙂 Peanut, Abby and I enjoy a girl’s night in!! We did our nails and watched Life Of Pi…oh my goodness!! It was such a good movie I would recommend it even for the little ones. After my day I know I am blessed to have wonderful generous people in my life.

Moreover than gifts I received though much appreciate what I truly cherish is the time and effort that is put forth. I enjoy the conversations and sacrifices of time to chat that my loved ones give me. I am a time person I want nothing more than someone’s time. There is no monetary value on someone’s time so when I get a piece of one of my loved ones time I truly cherish it.

Today I got to celebrate Mother’s Day with my Mom and sisters and Grandmother. It was nice to relax have a couple of beers, some good conversation and good food. We then traveled to my parents house to spend time with my family…all the cousins got to play and hang out. (There are 6 grandbabies…with 2 in the oven still baking.) I am always surprised at how well they get along and how creative their play is, we have such a good batch of kids. We ended our day at my brother and sister-in-laws house for some yummy treats and our first look at the finished nurseries for the Cooper and Paige the twin toots that are still baking. The nurseries where so adorable and I really enjoyed the hand-painted artwork on the walls the my sis-in-laws father painted. It was perfect and so wonderfully unique.

All in all this was a weekend full of love and immense blessings. ❤
Happy Mothers Day!!

Jenness

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My Heartstrings…

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My heartstrings are all tied up in the little girl who calls me Mommy. She has been sick for far too long now, she struggles with asthma and allergies and has had a bit of a rough winter. Spring sprung and her asthma kicked into high gear and a lump under her chin appeared. 1 1/2 weeks ago she was taken to the doctor by her Poppy (my dad) new medicine was given and within days her asthma cough was essentially gone. And her sweet little freckle nosed  face went back to normal as the swelling under the chin dissipated, but the lump stayed it did get a bit smaller but was still present. She has been battling low-grade fevers and on Sunday morning she woke up swollen even more and the lump was back full force. My sweet baby was in pain and there was nothing I could do.

There is nothing worse as a mom than not being able to help when your baby is hurting. I took her back to the doctor on Monday things had changed and they decided to further investigate what was going on with her. They took her blood for testing and she didn’t even cry or whimper she was strong and very grown up about it…she did request that I sing her a song while they put the needle in so I keyed up Jesus Loves Me. As soon as the needle was in she turned and watched as they took her blood. They then scheduled her for an ultrasound I waited exhausted from our early morning and the stress of it all and at 4:40pm her Doc’s office called and told me that they scheduled her for a CT scan with contrast…meaning that they would have to put in and IV and run dye through her while they took pictures of the lump. They are looking for a thryroglossal sac cyst…do not ask me what that means. All I know is I don’t like it!! She is on antibiotics and with all the testing I am praying that they figure it all out.

My heartstrings are being tugged over all of this I am emotional and teary eyed when I think about it. Just like I was when she broke her arm last year and had to have surgery. Ugh this is the stuff of life that makes me realize how much it means to me to be her Mom. She is a precious gift from God. My reoccurring thought is how precious that little life is and how much I love and cherish her. When she was a tiny baby I gave my gift from God back to Him and dedicated her life to Him. I promised to raise her in His image and to try everything in my power to bring her up with God as the center of her life. For she is only on loan to me and belongs to my Heavenly Father. That is a hard pill to swallow sometimes and in the rush of life we don’t always remember that these little lives have a higher calling a God-given purpose. I want her to live out that purpose…but it is so hard not to just grab her away from His grasp and selfishly not trust that He is going to take care of her.

My emotions are all over the place and I am worried all I want is for my baby to be ok and for whatever is wrong with her to be a quick and easy fix. It is such a wonderful, beautiful, scary transition from just being you to being someone’s Mommy. To be responsible for this little life full of potential and promise. I wanted little more out of life than to be a Mommy and in the thick of sassiness, discipline issues and daily life you forget the precious gift that it is to be someone’s Mom. As a parent I am constantly surprised by her sharp mind and brave soul, overwhelmed with love and pride. Her wit, confidence and sass (the good kind and the bad kind ;)) keep me laughing and on my toes. I appreciate my gift from God and am grateful that this little ball of fire came my way. I love my daughter and can’t wait for the answers to her health concerns in the mean time I am trying to put my trust in the Lord and remember that He is in control. Hopefully tomorrow will bring much understanding and peace. Thank you to my family and friends for all your prayers and loving support that you always give to Peanut and I. ❤

Jenness

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Words I thought I would never hear…

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Today I heard words I thought I would never hear (well read)…Kay’s murderer has been found. These words sent me into an emotional tailspin I didn’t know what to think or feel. I was sitting in a nap room with kids still awake and I had to cover my mouth so that I didn’t sob out loud. As soon as I got the chance I took a break from my class and went outside of work sat in a chair called my mom to talk for a few minutes. And then sobbed for a full 20 minutes. So many things where racing through my mind and so much pain surfaced that it surprised me. I was shaking and raw like it happened yesterday. I let myself feel every moment of it and just let it out crying as hard and loud as I needed to let it out so I could function at work for the next 3 1/2 hours. It is hard to articulate what I am feeling the best I can do is to say that its a mixture of relief, sadness, anger and pain. I tried the best I could to sort it all out in my brain.

Then I saw him, the man who ruined my life the perpetrator of such unspeakable evils. Anger and rage surged through me in that moment I hated him and I could feel it in my throat I wanted to scream at him, hit him and make him see the pain he created. Every filthy word I have ever heard to describe the evil that this man is were being silently screamed at him. 15 years of no answers and hurt spilling out of my brain I abhorred him.

And then…it hit me square in the face like a still small voice…On March 25th in memoriam of the 15 year anniversary of Kay’s death I wrote this blog post…15 years later. Now that there is a face to the monster it is so much harder to let God’s justice reign supreme. I want justice I want to see and hear all his reasons, for him to have remorse, basically I want answers. But there is that still small voice in the back of my mind that was saying pray.  Pray and forgive. I resisted. I mulled it over through the rest of work and the calmer I got the more clearly I could hear what was being asked of me. I hate it I don’t want to forgive I want to hate this despicable piece of shit who ripped apart so many lives. Kay is not his only victim he is a life long criminal and a truly evil man. Evil deserve hatred in my book…right?? As, I have thought on this throughout the rest of my work day, I talked to several people and still there was that voice again pray and forgive. God’s words haunted me and so did my mothers. Not only does God say vengeance is His, but He also says to forgive, when asked about it He said…Matthew 18:21-22 21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Yep there it is in black and white and God is breathing this into my heart and mind. My mother has said it a million times to me…forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person it has everything to do with you. Harboring hatred and malice in my heart for a man who doesn’t even know my name and could care less about me…holding onto these feelings can eat me up, they could embitter me once again and falling into that trap hurts me and it hurts Peanut. It doesn’t change anything and it doesn’t make it any better.

I came to a place of peace some time ago in relation to her murder. I truly believe in the supreme justice that God provides. I believe that whether he faces the consequences for his heinous actions here on Earth or not he has to face his maker. God is the one who will right this wrong, he already has…so I will not give in to the hatred that is trying to edge its way in. As I was driving away from work with tears in my eyes I prayed for this perpetrator of my pain. I told God I didn’t want to do it and I will have to give it over to Him again and again but I don’t want to be ruled by this evil. I am rejoicing for the sense of closure it has brought. Peace and total forgiveness are going to take a lot of work but I know that God is with me and that He knows what is best for me and for my heart so I am going to trust Him and I am going to pray. Praise God for this answer to prayer praise Him that Kay’s family is getting closure. God is good. Tonight I was surrounded by my wonderful family who, on a moments notice came and had dinner with me to provide comfort and support and pay homage to this victory of justice. Thank you to my beloved family for always being there when needed. I literally could not have gotten through this without your loving support you are what kept me alive in my darkest days after this tragedy came to our lives. I appreciate your support it was like being wrapped in a warm blanket on a cold day for my heart tonight. I love everyone of you all the way to God. ❤

Jenness

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For the full story from past coverage to how it unfolded today here is the link to the Idaho Statesman…Kay Lynn Jackson.

 

 

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Versatile Blogger Award Nomination!!

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I have been nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award I am so happy and honored!! Thank you so much to Transcending Borders Blog she is a great writer and I love reading her work!! Please take the time to go and check her out. ❤

THE RULES:

1-Thank and link back to the person who awarded you.

2-Nominate 15 bloggers for The Versatile Blogger Award- and include a link to their site (and tell them that you have nominated them.)

3-State 7 things about yourself.

  1. http://fullofrosesinspirationals.wordpress.com/
  2. http://ginaleftthemall.com/
  3. http://5kidswdisabilities.com/
  4. http://janeykate.wordpress.com/
  5. http://livingwithadhd.me/
  6. http://pastaforone.wordpress.com/
  7. http://stealthchristian.wordpress.com/
  8. http://araneus1.wordpress.com/
  9. http://pregoandtheloon.wordpress.com/
  10. http://notadaylesswilldo.wordpress.com/
  11. http://viciously-sweet.com/
  12. http://thequirkydiva.wordpress.com/
  13. http://thebettermanprojects.com/
  14. http://thebookofalice.com/
  15. http://offriesandmen.com/

All these blogger have something in common they are good writers and have touched either my heart or my funny bone. Thank you all for sharing your lives this way. ❤

  1. I am a serious coffee lover and am very happy that Starbucks has a new Trenta sized coffee. I am in Heaven. 🙂
  2. I drove a car for a year that didn’t have reverse…it made for interesting parking and lots of pushing.
  3. I love to watch movies.
  4. I live in Idaho and love how the mountains smell.
  5. I have a beautiful red and black beta-fish Blaze who I love!!
  6. I love snuggling in bed with my baby on lazy mornings till noon.
  7. I love to sing and dance but don’t do it in front of others. Except my cutie daughter. 😀

Thanks again to  Transcending Borders Blog for the nomination!! I am so excited for my first award nomination for my blog!!

Jenness

c/s