Recovery is not for the faint of heart. It is however for the bold, the brave, the desperate, the addict, the weary and the broken. You simply have to be human to need recovery. The human condition is such that breeds hurt, dysfunction and pain. No one is immune because no one is perfect. There is a perception that recovery is for “those” people. Well I’m here to say it absolutely is for “those” people for your mom, dad, sister, brother, boss, pastor, best friend and for YOU. Celebrate Recovery is for definitely me. I have been in recovery now for 2 plus years and it is the best thing I ever have done for myself. If you look back at my blog there is some dark and desperate posts that characterized my battle with panic and anxiety. I was a person who didn’t think recovery was for me and I didn’t need help, I would figure it out on my own. I could not have been more wrong, I was in a constant state of chaos, reeling from hurt, ignoring God and saying yes to all the wrong people and situations. I was lost and I couldn’t even see it.
The first day I walked through the doors of Celebrate Recovery was probably one of the most transformative days of my life. That’s the day I started saying yes to God and no to my own way. Allowing God to transform me into the person He wants me to be and it has been one of the hardest battles I’ve faced. One of the hardest things in recovery is to face the truth. The truth that I and I alone was responsible for my pain, that I cant do it on my own and need help. Yes people hurt, took advantage and negatively affected my life, but I made the choices that created chances for people to hurt me. I didn’t protect the life and heart that God had given me from the sickness of the world. I had become casual about sin and had a someday attitude. Some day I will live for Christ, when I am through school, happily married, thin, more financially stable…the list goes on. Someday hit me squarely between the eyes and said NO TODAY IS THE DAY YOU CHANGE YOUR LIFE. My panic attacks were debilitating and getting worse everyday. I wasn’t functioning anymore and I tried to fool myself into believing that I could just muddle through it. But I was slowly dying it was a matter of time and I would have been dead. Maybe not physically but emotionally, spiritually dead. In reality I was there and it was no kind of life it was pure torture.
Miracles still happen God brought me, the dead, back to life. I have now been 2 years without a panic attack, but the most miraculous thing that has happened since I have been in recovery is that I have a renewed faith and sense of hope. God has brought me out of denial and apathy onto a path of redemption, grace, forgiveness, truth and spiritual growth. He brought me to Himself and is allowing me to enjoy my progress and see my growth. He is showing me how to use my life in service to him and I love the work He is doing in me. For the first time in many years I can say that this year is going to end on a high note and I am looking forward to what God has for me next year!
Today I realized I have made PROGRESS when I signed up for the Treasure Valley Weight Loss Challenge I had I would say low expectations for my motivation. But, I kept it in my mind and I made an effort to be more conscious of the what was going in my mouth. Part of my motivation was also my little Peanut and her health we have had a very sedentary fall and winter since we were stuck at home 90% of the time. I hit the highest weight I have ever been and she gained weight as well. For her I knew that things had to change as I do not want her to face the challenges that I have.
With all that taken into account I have started to seriously be tracking my caloric intake and be more aware of mindless eating as well as the types of foods we are eating. I am happy to say that I have lost 10 pounds so far and for this girl that is no small feat. I was in such a great mood today and I am looking forward to the continuation of health goals. I attribute this success largely to not eating processed food, fast food, and increasing the amount of fruits and vegetables in my diet. We also eat almost solely organic and all natural food and we are trying to avoid GMO’s as much as possible. All in all I am so happy with this accomplishment and to celebrate I ate a wonderful salad with yogurt dressing and a chicken, spinach and feta sausage to accompany it. It was such a yummy meal and I am proud that I have accomplished this weight loss despite the escalation of symptoms of my depression and anxiety. Woo Hoo this is a win for me, Peanut who was super happy and high-fived me and for God giving me the fortitude to work through my issues and bring me this small victory!! Here is to the next pounds melting off and me feeling better and better everyday!!
You change your life by changing your heart.
Traces of her everywhere yet I don’t see the beauty before me the mess is her distress…calling me begging to see how much she needs to be seen today I see her art her and I hand in hand never apart lying everywhere like love letters to my heart…when did this start how could I have pushed her aside damn my foolish pride…my tears are falling my Lord gave me a calling to train and protect to have a positive effect…this little life was but a loan how could I have let her groan the pain heavy on a crazy brain mom driven to distraction when all she was asking was but a fraction…of time to show her love that came from above…wake up and take notice she is a beautiful Lotus embrace the life that was sent to you and no longer will she have to stew…thank God he can renew the purpose He gave to you cherish the moments for in there brevity must come much productivity hoping to bring to her life her true meaning and purpose.
I write this to remember to truly see my daughter and to actively participate in her life I was walking through the house tonight pushing the mess aside when I realized that Lily had drawn pictures all over the house of her and I and the things in her life she spent the whole day trying to get my attention and in my purpose driven mind I ignored her cries to me for attention and love, for companionship and the simplicity of me stopping my day to actually spending quality time together. As I write this I have tears streaming down my face because far too often is this the case my baby needs her mommy and I am too distracted to see it. How could I not see that I was hurting the most wonderful and important person in my life. It is my job to mold her and shape her into the person she was meant to be, to help her get the best start possible so that she can face all the things that life is going to throw her way. Praise God for 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances. Praise God for the unconditional love of my 5 year-old!! I must humble myself ask for forgiveness and do it better everyday.
Please God show me the way and the path you have for us show me how to be a better mom and to show her everyday how special she is and how much I love her. Let your love shine through me.
I have value I have worth given to me at birth…Father divine I came with design…broken and bruised longing to no longer be abused…tossed aside I cannot abide….I have value I have worth given to me at birth…innocent and sweet were a quick retreat…my voice drown with verbal beat down…my shame lay so much blame…I have value I have worth given to me at birth…a plan coming from the Man why don’t I understand…so much pain am I struggling in vain do I dare complain…do I see a ray that could brighten my day could God make a way…I have value I have worth given to me at birth…sin that began deep within…brought to light I can no longer fight…Jesus died and justified…I have value I have worth given to me at birth…bathed in light thank God for insight…unwavering love sent from high above…He dwells in the heart praise for every fresh start…I have value I have worth given to me at birth.
P.S. God is my first love I am nothing without Him I am by far not an amazing Christian example but I love Him and have a desire that all who do not know and understand the sacrifices he made would seek Him and find Him. We all have a God shaped hole that can only be filled with the Creator of the universe. ❤
I somewhat knew I was headed for a bit of a let down. I did it anyway. Many times in my life I have faced the question that has been lingering in my mind for sometime now. Does the man like me or not?? I have had the pleasure of getting to know a funny, sweet, complimentary, smart as s*** man, and I have enjoyed every single conversation…we have share smiles, struggles, commonalities and lots and lots of laughter and flirting. We have been talking for months now and I though I knew he had some issues that involved closeness I felt like we made progress. So I asked him if we were going to have forward motion and I am a bit let down…he said the friend word. Here is why I am a bit let down…he has all the qualities that I have looked for respectful, kind, driven, witty and just awesome. My little heart longs for companionship and love. To be respected and treated like an equal to have a real and lasting relationship built on the firm foundation of trust and faith. I am 34 and I feel like I am running out of time to have more babies and a husband…and I feel that all that I crave will pass me by. As a child and young woman all I wanted was to be a wife and mother. I have the mother part and I love being a mom. But, I have been waiting many years for the wife part. . My past isn’t pretty or fun…it is riddle with pain and heartbreak…from a seven-year relationship that ended because he was honest and said he was embarrassed of my size to a marriage that brought me to my knees in front of God asking what I did do to myself. In some ways I understand why things happened how they did. My path brought me my daughter, my path brought me friends that I would not have otherwise had and it brought me love. I think just because it didn’t last or it wasn’t right doesn’t really matter, I have never lacked for love in my life and for that I am grateful…I am always humbled at the extent of the love my Savior has for me…I know I am unworthy of it. Yet love and forgiveness still flow. I think that is why even with this disappointment I seem to have hope. I have hope that my time will come and that it will be all that I have dreamed of. A beautifully, perfectly flawed person who sees me for me and loves anyway. 🙂 So to the idea of being a bit let down…I guess it is just another way to learn and grow and its time to move forward on the path to happily ever after no matter what that looks like.