Monthly Archives: May 2013

Its Creeping Back…

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Tonight I am exhausted and my body is aching from head to toe…to say that this work week has been crazy would be a gross understatement!! Yesterday my co-worker decided to let the kids “play” with a concoction of shaving cream, cornstarch and blue paint. OH MY GOOD GRIEF!! She put it all on the table and then walked away from class for about 20 minutes. Upon her return we had smurf children I am not even slightly joking. My one year olds (who by the way were naked for this ordeal) had it in their hair, on their bellies and in their mouths. When she walked through the door she realized her adorable, horrific mistake as I had a baby in the sink scrubbing off head to toe blue. I then scrubbed 8 more kidlets clean after that. We spent nearly 2 hours cleaning up the mess. The best laid plans sometime go aria…

Though my days are wild and wooly I am still enjoying my job very much. But the stress levels have certainly increased and a lot of that is due to the things that have been going on personally in my life. The anxiety that I was trying to get under control is creeping back into my life. The last two weeks my face has been tingling and going numb again and my emotions have been riding high. I have had a measure of control over it and am recognizing the symptoms. Even with knowing and trying to combat anxiety I am so afraid that it is going to come back full force with all the stress that has been in my life. I am afraid that once again I will feel hopeless and lose all of the peace that I gained after my last episode. Also, I feel as though the stakes are higher because I am working full-time and cannot check out of life without consequences to my job which would again drastically affect my life.

This next week things are changing for Peanut and I and I think that the changes will be good. I made the decision to take Peanut out of the center that I work in to save money for moving and her eventual tuition come fall. So, I had to find care for her while I work and my gracious family is willing to help me out and for that I am so grateful!! People who love my Peanut 100% watching over her and she gets her much desired time with her family!!! A win win situation. 🙂 ❤

Their help does ease my anxiety a bit and hopefully I can keep managing and finding better coping mechanism so that a full-blown episode doesn’t come on. I know that God promises that I can do all things with Him as my strength and I am leaning on that to help me through all my tomorrows. Tomorrow will come and the sweet faces of the kids at work will help me keep sane. I am taking retreat in my job and the feelings of accomplishment I am feeling once again being a contributing member of society. Praise God for his continued blessings.

Jenness

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Flying Solo…

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Over the weekend I was flying solo my baby was off with her Grandparents and the rest of my family camping. She loves to camp but moreover she LOVES her family!! I have always called her a cousin lover because she just adores them, it is so cute! I think that she thinks we go to church every Sunday just so that she can see them for a few minutes. ❤ For Christmas my mom had the ingenious idea of making her a love wall. So I painted picture frames and put pictures of all her loves in them. Each Family has a unique frame and she can see them everyday. I am grateful that she has my family and that my parents took her to play with them all for the weekend.

With that being said as a result of her absence this momma was a little lost. It is strange not having her little voice ringing through the house and my name being called a million times a day. It is so strange that I am now defined by being a mom and that I feel lost without my child by my side. From the day I found out I was pregnant the game changed. I was immediately Peanut’s mom, she will be six in October, a kindergartener come fall and I have no idea where the time has gone. I was a single mom from the beginning and amidst the mixture of fear and joy I didn’t realize what it meant to be someone’s mom and how much my world was going to change.

And, wow what a wild ride it has been. I have been in bad relationships, had friendships blow up in my face, and created enough of my own drama in my life to fill the television screen with years of soap opera material. I’ve experienced falling madly deeply in love and created lifelong friendships with great people. But hands down not one of those relationships have been as hard, rewarding or meant as much to me as the one I am building with the little person who calls me Momma.

This last week was a rough one for my Mommy heart…I found out that my Peanut was being bullied by a one of her adult teachers and all I wanted to do was rip my co-workers face off. Of course I restrained myself. But, I did respectfully give a full piece of my mind to my boss and had an hour-long conversation about it all and I walked away feeling heard but not settled. And perhaps my unsettled feelings have all to do with me because I was so mad about the situation. In the end I just have to put my trust in her that she would handle the situation. In regards to the whole thing I have this reoccurring thought in my mind  DO NOT MESS WITH PEOPLES KIDS!!

Not only am I a mother, but a child care worker, aunt and adopted aunt to many children and I have learned how very precious and tender children are. In my experience with all the lovely children I have had the pleasure of being part of their worlds I have seen how one thing can change the trajectory of their young and impressionable lives. Perhaps this is why I have been so emotional and just upset over the whole situation I have talked it with my parents, some friends and prayed about it and tried to just find a way to use this for good in the life of my daughter.

I think one of the major take a way’s is that I can use the hurt and frustration that she felt and help her see how others feel when she does things like this to them. As a parent I have feared both sides of bullying and I have heavily leaned on my faith to be my moral and ethical guide. Discussing with Peanut what God would want her to do and that we need to love people how he loves them. I also have been discussing the idea of turning the other cheek…mainly because my daughter has a heart full of spiritedness and independence. Which leads to her sometimes having a sort of righteous indignation. Being that she is 5 that doesn’t always end well with her friends or Momma for that matter.

I am trying to channel these feelings into solutions instead of anger and frustration, I want her to be a communicator who feels free to openly and honestly discuss issues and find positive ways to settle things. I realize that she is five and those lessons take a lifetime of learning but I really want the foundations of respect, kindness, God’s love, and treating people with dignity ingrained in her so that they can serve her well throughout her whole life. Sometimes I feel like I am talking her to death, sometimes I feel like I am too soft and then other times I see the tears of understanding in her eyes. In those moments like Thursday afternoon, I well up with tears and just hold her letting her know that no matter what my love for her will always be there through it all.

I am not a perfect parent I make mistakes all the time, I know that my daughter is not perfect but I am trying to keep the perspective that we are a works in progress. Motherhood is not what I expected and sometimes I have no idea what I am doing. But, through the heartaches and joys, through the frustrations and laughter I can see how I wouldn’t be me without her coming into my life. I love my daughter and will always be here advocating, teaching, listening and trying my best to help her navigate through her life with grace and purpose as long as God allows me to.

In my Peanuts words of prayer…Dear Lord help us to have prettier hearts. ❤

Jenness

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No and other lessons…

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Working in day care truly highlights your strengths and weaknesses in ways that always leave me laughing, pondering, or super frustrated. Yesterday was the latter I was working with 1 and 2 year olds all day and it turned out to be an interesting endeavor. One of my kids is as stubborn as a mule sometimes, he just turned 2 and has learned the appropriate use of no to maddening perfection. The little cute toot simply thinks its hilarious to yell no about any request I made. I was getting more and more frustrated. With six little cherubs in my care for one to not listen and rebel against my authority makes it difficult to manage the class, especially while doing tasks like changing diapers or trying to round them up to go inside from the play ground.  

Every time I he no’ed me I found myself saying “no you do not tell your teachers no” after the 10th time (yes my learning curve is on the slow side) I thought to myself…how is he supposed to learn to not say no when that is all he hears all day. No don’t climb on the table, no don’t hit your friends, no don’t rip that book…Aaahhh NOOOO. At my wit’s end with this simple revelation I was at a loss as to how to move forward. I want all the kids in my care to have a healthy respect for authority and to be respectful to the adults in their lives. I believe it is never too early to be teaching these lessons…I also believe that children understand far more than we give them credit for.

With that being said the rest of the day I wondered how to teach the lesson that needed to be learned and model the appropriate behavior myself. How can I creatively say NO without saying NO? Many times as a parent I have faced this kind of challenge as well. How do you curb undesirable behavior without negatively reinforcing it or other behaviors along the path through your methods. I am thinking an pondering on my methods and would love some input on the subject. 🙂

Jenness

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I was mad at my daughter so I ate all the cookie dough…

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Silly, right? To get mad and do something like finish off the cookie dough in the fridge, (that was meant to be cooked, but didn’t quite make it to the oven.) But, that is just what I did. Let me clarify it wasn’t a ton of cookie dough we have had it for a while and several people have worked on it little by little but I finished it off. Yes a bad choice on my part but in certain moments things that I do, do not always make sense. Part of frustration that led to it this evening was that we have been having a renewal of the challenge of food stealing. I can tell you that I do not deny my child yummy things. But, for some reason she sneaks food. Sadly for her she is not sneaky enough and this Momma catches her every time. I do wonder at the phenomenon. But I digress that subject may be for another day. Though the cookie dough incident was not a shining moment I thankfully am beginning to see how my choices and the consequences of them have helped me mature and learn new ways of doing things. Finally!! And thank God!!

Have you ever been in a position where all of a sudden you realize you are more grown up than you thought? I had that realization while taking some time out this last weekend with Peanut girl and my dear, beautiful friend Jessica. As always with Jessica conversation flowed at ADHD brain speed and conversation jumping abounded. But the continuing thread throughout the conversation was one of realization and a sense of enlighten. Jessica is one of those people who helps me see myself clearer because she knows me so well. After ten years of some serious ups and downs trials and tragedies we still love each other and greatly enjoy each others company. I was grateful that she was free to spend some time soaking in the lovely, freshly re-opened and updated hot springs…The Springs – A Luxury Hot Springs Resort in Idaho City. What a beautiful and relaxing atmosphere nestled into Idaho’s beautiful mountains surrounded by pine trees. A fire was burning in the corner of next to the pool and it smelled great. Also, when it began to get dark they lit the tiki torches that surrounded the outdoor area. What a great way to soak my worries away. Peanut girl had a lot of fun and she didn’t even have a hard time following the rules. We had a glass of wine while sitting in the pool and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It was an amazing way to spend a Saturday evening.

We decided to go to the hot springs because things in my life have been crazy! I received a notice that I have to move from my house by the 30th of June and on the heels of that my car blew a head gasket!! Which I am not all too happy about I haven’t even owned it for a year. Grr! But, through it all I have been trying to keep perspective and I have had Vincent to help me with that. I have spoken a little about Vincent in my blog before but I am happy to say that he and I have had some forward motion and I greatly enjoy his opinion, insight and wisdom about the life and its stresses. He also has an amazing perspective on life and encourages me uniquely. I appreciate him and the role he has in my life. He is far more level-headed and logical than me with my crazy brains. 🙂 So, I am grateful he has come into my life and am looking forward to seeing what the future holds. Especially since he is a calming force in my wild ride of a life.

Throughout my break from blogging (because I have been tired and frankly lazy) I have had many things running through my mind that I would like to address…but the most prominent one is something my minister said on Sunday…he stated that God wants wealth for all of us. Many of the points he made throughout the rest of the sermon were poignant and I completely agreed with. He used the ant as an example to look to for hard work and dedication to task. I liked the analogy and appreciated the points he made but, the idea of God wanting wealth for all his children is one I must ponder on some more.

For now I must sleep on these thoughts and work them out another day because I have a 10 hour day at work tomorrow with 1 year olds. Oh my…pray for me. 🙂

Jenness

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Epic Fail…

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As a parent I have had many epic fail moments…like Sunday when my daughter walked out in her 4th outfit (not what I told her to wear!!) of the morning while our ride my father was standing in the doorway waiting for us to go to church. As she walked around the corner in her 4TH HORRIBLE OUTFIT my frustration at the sight of her boiled over and I yelled what the h*** at the same time my foot got caught on a reusable grocery bag that I kicked down the hall trying to get it off my foot. My dad whisked her out the door I grabbed different clothes for her and rode to church in an angry silence after changing her while in her carseat on the way. Yep a pretty epic fail any time I lose it and swear at or in front of my daughter. Grr.

Today I think I count as a fail because I was working in Peanut’s class for a short time. The other teacher in the room had asked her not to pick up the other children 2 times I caught her the 3rd and asked her to “sit-out” (our nicer word for time-out) and she went into a fit. Crying and screaming over the circle time. THEN…she threw she shoes at me and screamed NO!! Ugh really?? I am at work and I am her teacher…grr and grr!!! I grabbed her hand took her to the next room and gave her my best you are in so much trouble you do not do this while I am at work or ever speech, told her when she was done screaming and throwing her fit she could come back to class…

My sweet wonderful child screamed in the hallway over the circle time for no less than ten minutes until the lead teacher asked me what happened and another one went to the hall to remedy the situation all the while I am trying to hold my composure and not let the my embarrassment and anger seep through my expression. Ugh what an epic parent and teacher fail. I should have asked one of the other teachers to deal with her from the get go. I let my anger rule instead of my logic in an attempt to curb her behavior when I should have just let it go. She did come in apologize and sit quietly in front of me the rest of the time but that was not of my accord.

So many times I have failed as a parent and I continually think wow I sure hope that she doesn’t remember this!! I have tried to give myself grace but it is so hard to remember sometimes. But then, I am only human and I have many more years to perfect my art right?? Being a parent to my child has been the hardest, funnest, silliest, most aggravating, rewarding, cry and laugh inducing experience of my life. I pray to God with everything in my that I keep my sense humor, a level head and a degree of adventure in mind through the rest of this journey because, my little spirited Latina (she may be only half Latin but she got the full measure of sass…though I may have had something to do with that as well.) has a lot of learning and life ahead of her and I need to be prepared for all of the wild ride. Well I better embrace it and enjoy it because time is not on my side her being grown is right around the corner. 😀

Jenness

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How could this sweet sleeping thing throw a horrible fit??

How could this sweet sleeping thing throw a horrible fit?? She truly is awesome like Chicago. ❤

Blessed…

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I am blessed!! After a very long and stressful week full of Doctor’s appointments ranging from ultrasounds to a CT scan. Lots of waiting I finally got answers. Friday morning the doctor’s office called and told me that everything is fine!! I honestly with everything in me believe that it was a total God thing that all her tests came back clear. My family, friends, and church family were praying for my little Peanut girl and it worked!! The swelling is all gone and the lump is barely palpable. I am a blessed woman to have a healthy child, great family and friends and God on my side. After the good news of Friday giving my daughter a clean bill of health we went straight into a busy weekend.

We had a breakfast play date with friends on Saturday morning and then off to go shopping with Abby girl. My girls were so sweet and generous with me Abby bought me a new dress and shirt they are pretty and cute I love them!! And Peanut bought me a plant, nail polish and new chapstick. I would say my lovely little family knows me very well and I am extremely grateful for them. I then check my mailbox to see if my Mother’s Day gift from Vincent had arrived as promised. I opened the mail box and there is was a gift from the man…I was so excited then I opened the package and was blown away…he bought me an iPod touch. I didn’t even know what to say I was speechless which is a rare occurrence. 🙂 Peanut, Abby and I enjoy a girl’s night in!! We did our nails and watched Life Of Pi…oh my goodness!! It was such a good movie I would recommend it even for the little ones. After my day I know I am blessed to have wonderful generous people in my life.

Moreover than gifts I received though much appreciate what I truly cherish is the time and effort that is put forth. I enjoy the conversations and sacrifices of time to chat that my loved ones give me. I am a time person I want nothing more than someone’s time. There is no monetary value on someone’s time so when I get a piece of one of my loved ones time I truly cherish it.

Today I got to celebrate Mother’s Day with my Mom and sisters and Grandmother. It was nice to relax have a couple of beers, some good conversation and good food. We then traveled to my parents house to spend time with my family…all the cousins got to play and hang out. (There are 6 grandbabies…with 2 in the oven still baking.) I am always surprised at how well they get along and how creative their play is, we have such a good batch of kids. We ended our day at my brother and sister-in-laws house for some yummy treats and our first look at the finished nurseries for the Cooper and Paige the twin toots that are still baking. The nurseries where so adorable and I really enjoyed the hand-painted artwork on the walls the my sis-in-laws father painted. It was perfect and so wonderfully unique.

All in all this was a weekend full of love and immense blessings. ❤
Happy Mothers Day!!

Jenness

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My Heartstrings…

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My heartstrings are all tied up in the little girl who calls me Mommy. She has been sick for far too long now, she struggles with asthma and allergies and has had a bit of a rough winter. Spring sprung and her asthma kicked into high gear and a lump under her chin appeared. 1 1/2 weeks ago she was taken to the doctor by her Poppy (my dad) new medicine was given and within days her asthma cough was essentially gone. And her sweet little freckle nosed  face went back to normal as the swelling under the chin dissipated, but the lump stayed it did get a bit smaller but was still present. She has been battling low-grade fevers and on Sunday morning she woke up swollen even more and the lump was back full force. My sweet baby was in pain and there was nothing I could do.

There is nothing worse as a mom than not being able to help when your baby is hurting. I took her back to the doctor on Monday things had changed and they decided to further investigate what was going on with her. They took her blood for testing and she didn’t even cry or whimper she was strong and very grown up about it…she did request that I sing her a song while they put the needle in so I keyed up Jesus Loves Me. As soon as the needle was in she turned and watched as they took her blood. They then scheduled her for an ultrasound I waited exhausted from our early morning and the stress of it all and at 4:40pm her Doc’s office called and told me that they scheduled her for a CT scan with contrast…meaning that they would have to put in and IV and run dye through her while they took pictures of the lump. They are looking for a thryroglossal sac cyst…do not ask me what that means. All I know is I don’t like it!! She is on antibiotics and with all the testing I am praying that they figure it all out.

My heartstrings are being tugged over all of this I am emotional and teary eyed when I think about it. Just like I was when she broke her arm last year and had to have surgery. Ugh this is the stuff of life that makes me realize how much it means to me to be her Mom. She is a precious gift from God. My reoccurring thought is how precious that little life is and how much I love and cherish her. When she was a tiny baby I gave my gift from God back to Him and dedicated her life to Him. I promised to raise her in His image and to try everything in my power to bring her up with God as the center of her life. For she is only on loan to me and belongs to my Heavenly Father. That is a hard pill to swallow sometimes and in the rush of life we don’t always remember that these little lives have a higher calling a God-given purpose. I want her to live out that purpose…but it is so hard not to just grab her away from His grasp and selfishly not trust that He is going to take care of her.

My emotions are all over the place and I am worried all I want is for my baby to be ok and for whatever is wrong with her to be a quick and easy fix. It is such a wonderful, beautiful, scary transition from just being you to being someone’s Mommy. To be responsible for this little life full of potential and promise. I wanted little more out of life than to be a Mommy and in the thick of sassiness, discipline issues and daily life you forget the precious gift that it is to be someone’s Mom. As a parent I am constantly surprised by her sharp mind and brave soul, overwhelmed with love and pride. Her wit, confidence and sass (the good kind and the bad kind ;)) keep me laughing and on my toes. I appreciate my gift from God and am grateful that this little ball of fire came my way. I love my daughter and can’t wait for the answers to her health concerns in the mean time I am trying to put my trust in the Lord and remember that He is in control. Hopefully tomorrow will bring much understanding and peace. Thank you to my family and friends for all your prayers and loving support that you always give to Peanut and I. ❤

Jenness

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