From My Arms You Flee

From my arms you flee on your trajectory away from me toward the world and all it holds. What will you find? Will they see you as I do, beautiful from the inside out, smart and sassy, sweet and naughty, good and wonderfully, awfully independent? As you enter the world on your own there are a few things you should know. No matter what anyone says you have value, God created you for a purpose and finding that purpose should be your goal. Find your passions and work as hard as you can to soak up all the knowledge that your education can provide. And then learn some more.

I know that it is kindergarten but right now is a critical time the foundations of your educational career are being built and that is of great value my little love. Be persistent and forgiving, be honest and don’t let petty judgements and false pride be your guide. Listen to your teachers and glean from their wisdom the necessary tools that will last you a lifetime. Peanut girl please make sure to ENJOY THE ADVENTURE!!!

All my love,

Mommy

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Pride, Passion, Pain

When I finally got off my bum and started working I was elated at the thought of being able to get ahead. To finally feel like I had some freedom to not worry about how the bills were going to get paid. That is not how things have turned out. Shortly after beginning my job I was informed that I had 6 weeks until my landlord was terminating my month to month lease about the same time I was realizing that I couldn’t afford to keep my daughter in the Childcare any longer. I began grasping at straws to try and figure out a game plan. I contacted my sisters and asked if they could help luckily they were willing and it has been a blessing to me knowing she was safe and loved. I have greatly appreciated their help!!
To say that this summer has been long would be a serious understatement!! I have spent 10-12 hours away from home and Peanut almost everyday, (minus weekends of course) I have lost my home and have personally been struggling with feelings of unworthiness, stress and shame for past decisions that are preventing me from putting a roof over my little loves head. On paper it appears that I make enough to survive and pay all my bills but the truth is my bank account has been running dry more often than not. The sting and shame of poverty weigh heavily on my heart and mind. My pride is bruised and the pain of my current situation streams down my face. I am overwhelmed and though I know that an end will come into sight I still feel at a loss as to how to get ahead.
I am a passionate and stubborn person and though I can admit wrong when I’m on the defensive (as I have been a great deal as of late) all my common sense goes out the window and I shut down. The battle against depression and anxiety is raging and I can feel myself fighting against it but slowly sliding towards it at the same time…Vincent has been a voice of reason and helped me to see things more clearly and helped me to continue to manage the right now. I appreciate the growing role that Vincent has in my life he is responsible, generous, helpful and has a far more logical approach to life than I and it is helping me keep things in perspective. I also have been trying to lead with prayer and have an ongoing conversation with God going in my head. But, my spiritual life seems disconnected while I’m rejoicing that my sweet Peanut has asked The Lord to live in her heart and wants to be baptized I feel disconnected in my relationship with God. I don’t doubt my faith or salvation but the personal relationship with Him I once enjoyed seems to be missing as of late and my soul feels exhausted. I can see in the ways He is taking care of Peanut and I that is hand is still there but I can’t FEEL it!
One thing I know is I have always come out the other side of things and though I am spinning like a top toward a cliff I know I will land safely maybe not in one piece and I will for sure not escape without bruises and breaks. But, over time they will heal and fade. I think scars are like a road map to where you are going, and though the road may not be easy or pretty, it can lead to somewhere beautiful if you navigate through the rocky patches with grace, humility and determination.

Jenness

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Busy…

I have been so busy that I haven’t even considered sitting down and writing even though I have wanted to. Things have been interesting because I am at work more hours but I am working less. They have me working split shifts and in an effort to save gas I have been staying at work. On top of being busy with work I have to move out of my place in 10 days and I do not have a new home to go to as of yet. I may have to stay with family for a few days or weeks.

This is a point of frustration for me it has been very hard to find an affordable place that fits our needs and has everything I want in a house I have a list in my mind and I just can’t budge. Energy efficiency is a top priority for me I wont go back and pay high utility bills again. Of course Peanut has a list of her own in her head that includes a pool and a pool oh yes a pool. Awe to be young and single-minded again. 🙂

I think that one of the biggest stress factors for me has been the time away from my Peanut…I have been lucky to have been able to spend so much time with her from 0-5. So being gone from her for about 12 hours a day has been very emotional for me. I also am struggling because with all the time we have been spending away from each other she is never happy to see me when I go get her she immediately has an attitude change and starts whining and not listening to me…telling me how much she doesn’t want to go home. I don’t know if this is “normal” or common but it is very hard for me to not be hurt by. When I am working I miss her so much sometimes it hurts.

Today I didn’t work until 1pm so I was excited to have time with her this morning. But it turned out to be a crying disaster of a morning and all the things that I wanted to do didn’t happen. I had a talk with her about her attitude towards me and our time together but I am not sure how much of what I say really soaks in.

The next two days I have to work 10 hour shifts so I am off to get some rest if anyone has some Mommy/kid advice I would welcome it. ❤

Jenness

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Home…

My Peanut got home on Sunday from camping and my heart began to overflow with joy I missed her so much. I held her in a big squish and let the tears roll down my cheeks…my heart was at home with her in my arms. I love my baby girl so much and I am one lucky Momma. ❤

Jenness

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My little Hispania came home looking like a beautiful brown bunny!! Such a beauty inside and out!!

Changes In The Wind…

Today marks some serious changed in the wind for my life. In the last 3 years I have had Peanut by my side at my job. I could just walk down the hallway if I wanted to see her little freckled nose and get a quick sweet baby kiss. But, today was different and as I was sitting in my classroom I looked out the window to see the big kids playing and realized that my Peanut was not among them. ( I made the decision to take her out of daycare and have family and friends watch her for the summer to save money.) My heart sank I missed her deeply…I felt silly for the strange feeling but couldn’t shake it. I knew she was safe and sound hanging with her cousins, Aunt Leah and Uncle Justy but the twinge of hurt was very real. Come August she will be in all-day kindergarten and I won’t see her during the day anymore. This marks a very momentous thing for me as a Mommy. My baby is not my baby anymore and she is entering the world. She is  entering a world that I have nothing to do with. Wow it scares me!! I have been so blessed that I have gotten as much time with her as I have. Most working mom’s are away from their babies for 8 to 10 hours a day.

Ugh it is so hard to think that this is now my reality. Maybe I am being a sissy about it but Lily and I though we have our issues (like all mothers and daughters) are 2 peas in a pod and to think of her growing up and starting the inevitable trajectory out my door to her own life and world away from me brings tears to my eyes. I keep thinking I need to hold her more and not get so angry at her naughtiness. My mind keeps going back to the days when I was so in love with this new little life that I had a hard time putting her down even when she was asleep and I had things to do. I am still that in love with her but reality hit quick that I couldn’t hold her all day. Also she is now 48lbs not the 5lbs 14oz. she was when she came home from the hospital, which makes holding her all day a bit more tricky. 🙂

I think the sadness and heavy heart is also due to me turning 35 this year…it is my cut off for having more kids. A bit ago I came to the realization that more babies were not in the cards for me and though I am at peace with it for the most part, a little part of me is grieving because I always envisioned having more children. A brother or sister for my little love. I have 2 sisters and a brother and we had such wonderful times, laughing, playing, fighting and growing up together. I always wanted that for my kids and I know that she longs for it. But, despite my melancholy over it I am firm that I will not be having more. Peanut asked me about it the other day and I finally told her that a sister or brother was not an option and her face fell. These things are so hard for her little heart to understand I know she wants a companion that isn’t an adult. I have thought about fostering which I think would be an amazing and wonderful way to use my/our life and home to help those in need. Hmm we shall see…

In the meantime I am going to cherish the minutes, hours, smiles, laughter and sweet baby kisses she still is unashamed to give her Momma while I can. And be excited for her to start her educational journey…I can’t promise there won’t be tears but there will be lots of love!! I mean come on who couldn’t love this sweet little Peanut girl??

 

Jenness

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Flying Solo…

Over the weekend I was flying solo my baby was off with her Grandparents and the rest of my family camping. She loves to camp but moreover she LOVES her family!! I have always called her a cousin lover because she just adores them, it is so cute! I think that she thinks we go to church every Sunday just so that she can see them for a few minutes. ❤ For Christmas my mom had the ingenious idea of making her a love wall. So I painted picture frames and put pictures of all her loves in them. Each Family has a unique frame and she can see them everyday. I am grateful that she has my family and that my parents took her to play with them all for the weekend.

With that being said as a result of her absence this momma was a little lost. It is strange not having her little voice ringing through the house and my name being called a million times a day. It is so strange that I am now defined by being a mom and that I feel lost without my child by my side. From the day I found out I was pregnant the game changed. I was immediately Peanut’s mom, she will be six in October, a kindergartener come fall and I have no idea where the time has gone. I was a single mom from the beginning and amidst the mixture of fear and joy I didn’t realize what it meant to be someone’s mom and how much my world was going to change.

And, wow what a wild ride it has been. I have been in bad relationships, had friendships blow up in my face, and created enough of my own drama in my life to fill the television screen with years of soap opera material. I’ve experienced falling madly deeply in love and created lifelong friendships with great people. But hands down not one of those relationships have been as hard, rewarding or meant as much to me as the one I am building with the little person who calls me Momma.

This last week was a rough one for my Mommy heart…I found out that my Peanut was being bullied by a one of her adult teachers and all I wanted to do was rip my co-workers face off. Of course I restrained myself. But, I did respectfully give a full piece of my mind to my boss and had an hour-long conversation about it all and I walked away feeling heard but not settled. And perhaps my unsettled feelings have all to do with me because I was so mad about the situation. In the end I just have to put my trust in her that she would handle the situation. In regards to the whole thing I have this reoccurring thought in my mind  DO NOT MESS WITH PEOPLES KIDS!!

Not only am I a mother, but a child care worker, aunt and adopted aunt to many children and I have learned how very precious and tender children are. In my experience with all the lovely children I have had the pleasure of being part of their worlds I have seen how one thing can change the trajectory of their young and impressionable lives. Perhaps this is why I have been so emotional and just upset over the whole situation I have talked it with my parents, some friends and prayed about it and tried to just find a way to use this for good in the life of my daughter.

I think one of the major take a way’s is that I can use the hurt and frustration that she felt and help her see how others feel when she does things like this to them. As a parent I have feared both sides of bullying and I have heavily leaned on my faith to be my moral and ethical guide. Discussing with Peanut what God would want her to do and that we need to love people how he loves them. I also have been discussing the idea of turning the other cheek…mainly because my daughter has a heart full of spiritedness and independence. Which leads to her sometimes having a sort of righteous indignation. Being that she is 5 that doesn’t always end well with her friends or Momma for that matter.

I am trying to channel these feelings into solutions instead of anger and frustration, I want her to be a communicator who feels free to openly and honestly discuss issues and find positive ways to settle things. I realize that she is five and those lessons take a lifetime of learning but I really want the foundations of respect, kindness, God’s love, and treating people with dignity ingrained in her so that they can serve her well throughout her whole life. Sometimes I feel like I am talking her to death, sometimes I feel like I am too soft and then other times I see the tears of understanding in her eyes. In those moments like Thursday afternoon, I well up with tears and just hold her letting her know that no matter what my love for her will always be there through it all.

I am not a perfect parent I make mistakes all the time, I know that my daughter is not perfect but I am trying to keep the perspective that we are a works in progress. Motherhood is not what I expected and sometimes I have no idea what I am doing. But, through the heartaches and joys, through the frustrations and laughter I can see how I wouldn’t be me without her coming into my life. I love my daughter and will always be here advocating, teaching, listening and trying my best to help her navigate through her life with grace and purpose as long as God allows me to.

In my Peanuts words of prayer…Dear Lord help us to have prettier hearts. ❤

Jenness

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No and other lessons…

Working in day care truly highlights your strengths and weaknesses in ways that always leave me laughing, pondering, or super frustrated. Yesterday was the latter I was working with 1 and 2 year olds all day and it turned out to be an interesting endeavor. One of my kids is as stubborn as a mule sometimes, he just turned 2 and has learned the appropriate use of no to maddening perfection. The little cute toot simply thinks its hilarious to yell no about any request I made. I was getting more and more frustrated. With six little cherubs in my care for one to not listen and rebel against my authority makes it difficult to manage the class, especially while doing tasks like changing diapers or trying to round them up to go inside from the play ground.  

Every time I he no’ed me I found myself saying “no you do not tell your teachers no” after the 10th time (yes my learning curve is on the slow side) I thought to myself…how is he supposed to learn to not say no when that is all he hears all day. No don’t climb on the table, no don’t hit your friends, no don’t rip that book…Aaahhh NOOOO. At my wit’s end with this simple revelation I was at a loss as to how to move forward. I want all the kids in my care to have a healthy respect for authority and to be respectful to the adults in their lives. I believe it is never too early to be teaching these lessons…I also believe that children understand far more than we give them credit for.

With that being said the rest of the day I wondered how to teach the lesson that needed to be learned and model the appropriate behavior myself. How can I creatively say NO without saying NO? Many times as a parent I have faced this kind of challenge as well. How do you curb undesirable behavior without negatively reinforcing it or other behaviors along the path through your methods. I am thinking an pondering on my methods and would love some input on the subject. 🙂

Jenness

c/s