Over the weekend I was flying solo my baby was off with her Grandparents and the rest of my family camping. She loves to camp but moreover she LOVES her family!! I have always called her a cousin lover because she just adores them, it is so cute! I think that she thinks we go to church every Sunday just so that she can see them for a few minutes. ❤ For Christmas my mom had the ingenious idea of making her a love wall. So I painted picture frames and put pictures of all her loves in them. Each Family has a unique frame and she can see them everyday. I am grateful that she has my family and that my parents took her to play with them all for the weekend.
With that being said as a result of her absence this momma was a little lost. It is strange not having her little voice ringing through the house and my name being called a million times a day. It is so strange that I am now defined by being a mom and that I feel lost without my child by my side. From the day I found out I was pregnant the game changed. I was immediately Peanut’s mom, she will be six in October, a kindergartener come fall and I have no idea where the time has gone. I was a single mom from the beginning and amidst the mixture of fear and joy I didn’t realize what it meant to be someone’s mom and how much my world was going to change.
And, wow what a wild ride it has been. I have been in bad relationships, had friendships blow up in my face, and created enough of my own drama in my life to fill the television screen with years of soap opera material. I’ve experienced falling madly deeply in love and created lifelong friendships with great people. But hands down not one of those relationships have been as hard, rewarding or meant as much to me as the one I am building with the little person who calls me Momma.
This last week was a rough one for my Mommy heart…I found out that my Peanut was being bullied by a one of her adult teachers and all I wanted to do was rip my co-workers face off. Of course I restrained myself. But, I did respectfully give a full piece of my mind to my boss and had an hour-long conversation about it all and I walked away feeling heard but not settled. And perhaps my unsettled feelings have all to do with me because I was so mad about the situation. In the end I just have to put my trust in her that she would handle the situation. In regards to the whole thing I have this reoccurring thought in my mind DO NOT MESS WITH PEOPLES KIDS!!
Not only am I a mother, but a child care worker, aunt and adopted aunt to many children and I have learned how very precious and tender children are. In my experience with all the lovely children I have had the pleasure of being part of their worlds I have seen how one thing can change the trajectory of their young and impressionable lives. Perhaps this is why I have been so emotional and just upset over the whole situation I have talked it with my parents, some friends and prayed about it and tried to just find a way to use this for good in the life of my daughter.
I think one of the major take a way’s is that I can use the hurt and frustration that she felt and help her see how others feel when she does things like this to them. As a parent I have feared both sides of bullying and I have heavily leaned on my faith to be my moral and ethical guide. Discussing with Peanut what God would want her to do and that we need to love people how he loves them. I also have been discussing the idea of turning the other cheek…mainly because my daughter has a heart full of spiritedness and independence. Which leads to her sometimes having a sort of righteous indignation. Being that she is 5 that doesn’t always end well with her friends or Momma for that matter.
I am trying to channel these feelings into solutions instead of anger and frustration, I want her to be a communicator who feels free to openly and honestly discuss issues and find positive ways to settle things. I realize that she is five and those lessons take a lifetime of learning but I really want the foundations of respect, kindness, God’s love, and treating people with dignity ingrained in her so that they can serve her well throughout her whole life. Sometimes I feel like I am talking her to death, sometimes I feel like I am too soft and then other times I see the tears of understanding in her eyes. In those moments like Thursday afternoon, I well up with tears and just hold her letting her know that no matter what my love for her will always be there through it all.
I am not a perfect parent I make mistakes all the time, I know that my daughter is not perfect but I am trying to keep the perspective that we are a works in progress. Motherhood is not what I expected and sometimes I have no idea what I am doing. But, through the heartaches and joys, through the frustrations and laughter I can see how I wouldn’t be me without her coming into my life. I love my daughter and will always be here advocating, teaching, listening and trying my best to help her navigate through her life with grace and purpose as long as God allows me to.
In my Peanuts words of prayer…Dear Lord help us to have prettier hearts. ❤