Why God?? I have been told many times as a believer that you are not supposed to ask God why…but I say why can’t I if it helps me to process and communicate with God. (By the way I have always been a bit of a rebel and “rule breaker”) to me it’s like picking up the phone and venting to a friend. Today I am seriously asking why God? Not in a frantic, panicky way but in a I wish I had a solution way.
I am giving the anxiety a serious battle today! I am so close to a panic attack, I can feel it creepy its nasty fingers around my heart and mind, the tears are just at the surface and have been for days. The tingling in my face have been prevalent for 3 days now and the shaking started this morning. And I am seriously asking God why…why is this battle one that I have to fight? I hate the desperation it brings to my life. I hate the emotional and physical exhaustion it brings. As I am sitting at my keyboard I am seriously battling not walking out of my job and going home. But, I am taking deep breaths and continuing to try to fight back.
My life has brought me many challenges and that is part of why I am asking God why…I am abnormal and to a degree I embrace this fact but not when the abnormal creates apparent dysfunction. I don’t want to feel overwhelmed to the point where I can’t function. I don’t understand if I can feel it coming if I am trying to combat it why it still hits me like a brick wall. Why I can’t seem to prevent it and why when I cry out to the Lord the enemy of my peace of mind doesn’t part from me. Why Lord must this be a burden I bear, I HATE IT!! I hate that I can’t overcome my demon of destruction…I have tears of shame and sorrow streaming down my face and though I openly rebuke Satan and his attack on me, my body remains at war with my desire for peace.
The only thing I can think is that it is serving a purpose…I am someone who tries to rely heavily in her intuition and I have had a particular thing running like a train at full speed through my head (a phrase really)…The refiners fire. I literally just looked this up…according to Dictionary.com refiners fire means…to bring to a fine or a pure state; free from impurities 2.to purify from what is coarse, vulgar, or debasing; make elegant or cultured. Then, I looked it up in the bible and am brought to my knees in tears…God is talking to me he is laying on my heart the things he wants me to hear…I have either ignored the still quiet voice for so long that I couldn’t hear it or I just disregarded it. I have spoken in this very blog about feeling a disconnect with my Heavenly Father that my communication with him had hit a stalemate. Maybe that is why the verses I read hurt so bad…maybe that is why my tears ran hot down my face blurring the words that were screaming out of the page…
Isaiah 48:10 Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.
1 Peter 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
Psalm 66:10-12 For you, O God, have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried. You brought us into the net; you laid a crushing burden on our backs; you let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water; yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.
1 Peter 1:7 So that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
Oh my good grief He’s breaking me. I don’t know how to feel…but I guess my why has been answered loud and clear. Since I am at a loss of words I will let some of the Serenity Prayer say it for me…I am trying to be…Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.
P.S. As a side note I don’t think that God is punishing me I believe that the things I am experiencing are as a consequences of my own conscious or unconscious choices…everything good and bad that you do in your life has a consequence…
The version of the Bible is the ESV. And the Serenity Prayer is the one used by Celebrate Recovery.