Monthly Archives: January 2013

Eating Organic…

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I started trying to eat organic about 3 years ago and slowly have incorporated more and more of it into our diet. Recently I have had it on my mind that I need to hone my skills and really find better ways to make the most out of our meals because the truth is that it is more expensive to eat organic. I hope that eventually the cost will go down and be affordable to everyone. But in the meantime I am always searching for the best and cheapest organic products. My sister turned me on to the Natural Grocers (http://www.naturalgrocers.com/store-locations/boise) it is a pretty reasonable for organic products I was¬†pleasantly surprised. Best part it is less than 2 miles from my house. I initially decided to go organic because of the pesticides but the more I learned about the differences especially the growth hormones and how they would affect my daughter and her development that sealed the deal for me. With all the things that are against girls growing up modest with sexual integrity I figure she doesn’t need breast and a period at 8 years old thrown into the mix. I have so many more reasons all valid but it comes down to organic food is what is best for my family and I am trying to do my best to keep our food healthy and all natural. I would love input, recipes, tips, and to know where you find yummy healthy organic food the Treasure Valley. ūüôā Below is a helpful chart of foods to avoid and food that are safe for those of us who struggle to buy organic.

Jenness

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Fun Photos…

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With lots of heavy thoughts and posts lately I decided that I need a light-hearted one with recent¬†photos I have taken. I have been pretty people busy having a constant companion of my cousin hanging out here and my Abby girl around a little more as well. So we have had lots of distraction from this Momma’s stress and sadness. ūüôā On a different note my little love has been chatting me up every night at bed time and tonight I just went with it she decided to ask about Africa, waterfalls, and rainbows…I love this child’s mind so much she is scary smart and super silly…Mom do we have waterfalls in Idaho?? Can we travel to them I wanna see a rainbow waterfall I think it would be beautiful…I love her diversion techniques at bed time.

I hope you enjoy the pictures I have been taking lately. ‚̧

Jenness

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I have value I have worth…

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I have value I have worth given to me at birth…Father divine I came¬†with design…broken and bruised longing to no longer be abused…tossed aside I¬†cannot abide….I have value I have worth given to me at birth…innocent and sweet were a quick retreat…my voice drown with verbal beat down…my shame lay so much blame…I have value I have worth given to me at birth…a plan¬†coming from¬†the Man why don’t I understand…so much pain am I struggling in vain do I dare complain…do I see a ray that could brighten my day could God make a way…I have value I have worth given to me at birth…sin that began deep within…brought to light I can no¬†longer fight…Jesus died and justified…I have value I have worth given to me at birth…bathed in light thank God for insight…unwavering love sent from high above…He dwells in the heart praise for¬†every fresh start…I have value I have worth given to me at birth.

 

Jenness

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P.S. God is my first love I am nothing without Him I am by far not an amazing Christian example but I love Him and have a desire that all who do not know and understand the sacrifices he made would seek Him and find Him. We all have a God shaped hole that can only be filled with the Creator of the universe. ‚̧

Just raw…

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I have been wandering around in a fog and I feel just raw almost to the point of indifference. I write, I process, talk and I¬†ponder trying to figure things out but I just feel like I have a big gaping open¬†wound that I just can’t heal. So many things have happened this week that I am lost as to how to handle or work through. I feel like I need to put on a brave face and just keep trucking along when all I want to do is curl up and sleep for about a week. I have been on edge, down cast and been so lazy. I am torn up, things have been piling up not just from the last week but from the¬†weeks, months and years of shit.¬†You get just enough over things to be able to smile in the face of adversity. Just enough to be in the same room as someone who has hurt you or that you have hurt and not burst into tears or scream out at the top of your lungs about the pain you¬†that has been¬†perpetuated in the relationship. To think that maybe a little healing has come and then it hits you full in the face. All the hurt, pain and anxiety of unresolved issues that eat away at the floor of my confidence, resolve, faith¬†and integrity.

The things that no one says are all the things I want to say. Right now, I am not ok. I do not want to smile. I am hurting…drowning some days in it and I want to throw up the white flag of surrender. Tears are streaming down my face in fear that this is all there is and that all I have dreamed of will always be just out of reach for me. I more and more am becoming a realist and not living in a world of fairy tales and happily ever after’s. The truth is IT DOES NOT HAPPEN FOR EVERYONE. This is not a pity party or a sonnet of sorrow begging for affirmation. It is that today I refuse to sugar coat the hurt I refuse to lie to myself about the truth I see but don’t always admit. I am broken and bleeding it is very painful and I don’t want to cower behind false vibrato and put on a happy face.

I wish I had¬†better ways of handling the things that come at me. I wish I had learned healthy and healing habits that helped to perpetuate continual forward motion. I don’t, I have a broken down crazy brain, emotions that bring me to the pit of disparity and back to the height of joy all in a matter of an hour on occasion and a past of abusive situations and¬†people…strung together with¬†bad decisions that have created the situations I find myself in today. I lay no blame to others for my short comings. I think that circumstance bring us opportunities to either do it better or to let it bring you down. And a lot of the time I have let it bring me down.

Long suffering is something that I have been called several times before, I used to embrace the victim part of that idea. Oh poor Jenness people just don’t treat¬†you right…isn’t it Dr. Phil who says…you teach people how to treat you? Here is the part that I would like to take away from it…strength. A wonderful friend told me…”You are stronger than most people think you are.” I want to¬†believe that. I think¬†for me¬†seeing how things are realistically means that I have the opportunity to be stronger, wiser, and in the end may have more to offer in the ways of helping others get through the things that I have struggled with and through.

I know that part of me is just ranting and that in a few days the outlook will not be so grime and that with time I will see the sunnier side of things. And the truth is that no matter what has happened I have always come out the other side I wouldn’t say unscathed by any means in fact the opposite. The rawness that I feel is not new its has always been a part of me. I don’t remember a time when it wasn’t there I couldn’t define it before but it always lingered. Part of me thinks that it is was built into me to keep me more grounded I tend to have a pie in the sky attitude¬†as well as¬†the attitude of an¬†eternal optimist. That is¬†until life gets in the way. Potentially it¬†was God’s provision for me because he knew¬†what a¬†slow learner¬†I would be and¬†also how¬†stubborn I would become.

I long for peace and relief it is one of my greatest wishes. I pray and thank God for my struggles and trials I praise Him for the lessons He has brought. I would say that it has lessened the sting of things. Strangely, I never loss hope no matter how much I hurt or struggle the stubbornness that is ingrained so deep keeps me persistent in hoping for a better outcome in life. I seek better tools to manage when the dark clouds don’t lift and I feel trapped by the depth of the sorrow I feel for life’s circumstances. Today I don’t have the answers in mind but maybe I should let the rawness guide me to where I need to be and use it as a tool and not a hindrance¬†on the path to the answers I seek. What I would ask of anyone willing is prayer. Pray for me and that I find productive and useful ways to use what I have and will experience to benefit myself, my daughter and any other person who crosses my path that can use my struggles and frustrations to guide them on a more peaceful path then the one I am on. And prayer for wisdom and peace.

Thank you for listening and supporting me by reading my words knowing I have an outlet such as this is in and of itself has been blessing and source of healing.

Jenness

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I did it…

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Yesterday¬†I did it…I committed a crime and I got caught. I will not pretend that I am not completely at fault and that I didn’t¬†deserved what I got. And what I got was 2 big fat tickets that are going to cost me and arm and a leg!!!¬†I have not had a ticket for a long time I have not been so irresponsible in a long time either when it came to keeping my car legal. I ran out of money and now I have run out of luck. My Grandmother used to tell me if it wasn’t for bad luck you would have no luck at all. Sometimes I completely believe that old adage.

Today, that is how I felt. That my luck has run out!! I don’t know what it is that perpetuates the irresponsible behaviors that spring up in my life.¬†¬†They are a part of me that I wish I could just melt away. The underling issues I think, spring from feeling like I am not in control that I don’t have choices or a voice to work my way out of something. Financially things have always been very tight for me mostly because I am either under employed or just haven’t managed things very well. And this time around it was a combination of both. I have been in the past generous to a fault and given time, money or food to someone because it hurt my heart to say no. As I said before the idea of irresponsibility I don’t think about the future I¬†a lot of the time live in the now.¬†(I always kick myself when I have nothing left for what is needed¬†i.e. bills etc.) ¬†As of late after experiencing the sting of not being paid back or appreciated for my efforts in turn¬†I have hardened and I seem to like people less¬†and have far less tolerance then I used to for helping. With that being said I feel that God is constantly prodding my heart to stay open and to keep in mind that He gave me my heart for His people. If it was up to¬†just me after all I have been through and experienced I would have given¬†up long ago on people. But because I believe that Jesus lives and works through this battered and broken person I realize that despite bad days even ones that result in legal ramifications that I am blessed…I wrote this September 17th, 2012 and it was a great reminder to me when I ran across it today…

I have had much sorrow in my life and appreciate the gifts that I have been given even more because of it. My heart is a patchwork of healed and partly healed scars. But, I do not see this as a hindrance but as a map of the journey that has brought me to the person I am today. My battered and bruised heart are a sign of loving deeply and giving till it hurt. I try to live without regrets and know that each path was orchestrated to help me learn something. It is in a sense a beacon to reality, truth, and forgiveness. 

So I need to dig deep and find the lessons that this long shitty week has to offer me. I think I need to mull over more the things that I have been thinking and make my I did it…into a positive reinforcement.

Jenness

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I Lost…

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I lost my job I didn’t even make it a week. I was given a…we realized we don’t need you excuse and I am certain that there was more too it. I think despite the hurt and frustration I feel¬†I can admit that I felt like the position was not right for me. As for my part in it I know that I didn’t¬†do anything wrong and¬†that I can firmly say that it was not about me. It doesn’t make it easier that I have to start looking again I saw laid out before a way to ease our financial burdens and maybe get a little but ahead. So I feel like I lost even though it wasn’t my fault. With the struggles I deal with like anxiety and self-confidence it really hits me hard when I take a blow to the ego. But this time around I didn’t even let myself cry. I have felt like I carried a dark cloud over my head today I was testy and irritated most of the day but I think that I can shake this off and move forward. I am going to start the job hunt again and figure out what works best for me and Peanut girl. I haven’t quite processed many of the things that have happened in the last 6 months so I think much more will come when I begin to figure it all out. I think I have some thoughts to process and issues to work through to get on top of my game for tonight those of you who pray please pray that I have confidence, follow through, and that I can continue to pursue health in all areas in my life.¬† I may have lost but I am trying to see it as gain…I want to gain perspective, to find the right fit, and the place God wants me to be.

Jenness

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Time goes so fast…

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This video was from three years ago and my little Peanut was 2 wow it brought tears to my eyes to see it. My sister has is posted on her YouTube channel. Time goes so fast¬†literally for us lightening speed. My baby is¬†so big now and starts school this year. I am so torn about it all. I want her to stay little but I want her¬†also to grow and learn and¬†find her¬†God¬†given purpose.¬†And of course I know I cannot stop time. But what a precious moment¬†captured forever.¬†My tiny toot¬†sleeping safe and comfy¬†wrapped in the love of my sisters home.¬†‚̧¬†As I wipe tears from my eyes thinking of the past and of the future I¬†am grateful for every second.¬† http://youtu.be/QX8RoRPo5Dw

Jenness

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