Monthly Archives: December 2012

New Year…New Me

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New years time always makes me reflect on the year that is passing away and I mull over all the events that have taken place. My grandfather passed I loved and lost I failed more than I succeeded and I learned some things. Some of the largest take away’s from 2012 is change and living with purpose.

The things that I have experienced this year have pushed me to question my purpose and the plan I set for myself. I have always thought that first and foremost I was a Christian and that I let God be my guide but I am selfish, stubborn and impatient. I have it set that I will follow then I go the day without thinking of what God wants for me and I go full speed ahead…I do have to say though that because I solidly know that I am a child of God he always prods and pokes me and tries to get my attention whether it is through my daughter asking me why I am saying a naughty word or my own conscience telling me how much I need the connection with God that is often forgotten in my day-to-day world. I am going to be transparent my faith sucks…God has a plan for me and I have been on a detour I will find and be on the right path occasionally and remember that I am supposed to be living for a purpose but I am double minded so much of the time. I can’t say that I am making major mistakes or losing faith I have just been apathetic. I am tired frustrated and everything that I desire seems so very out of reach. I get a glimmer of hope, peace or of a dream fulfilled and it quickly slips from my grasp. I have been depressed and at times devastated this year. Yet hope remains…as well as many questions.

Here are some of the things I have working over in my crazy brain…why has casual Christianity become the norm?? Why is it that Christians will openly state that they want to have sex before  marriage?? Why do Christians openly speak in hatred and judgment?? Why has it come to the place where Christians are the enemy?? How it is that conservatism has become a bad word, and that people want to excuse away their bad behavior under the cloak of forgiveness?? I am confused about how to show support and love to homosexual and or bi-sexual persons without condoning it…considering what the Bible has to say about it. Part of the reason that I struggle with that is because I can relate to the feelings of being lost and trapped and I seriously relate to the feelings of not being understood. I have never struggled with that particular battle but have and do struggle with similar things in relation to sexual sins. I don’t want to alienate or perpetuate the disconnect or hatred that is sometimes felt from Christians on this subject. I want to be a perpetrator of the purity of God’s love and healing. I pray that I can rely enough on God to help provide me with clarity of thought and heart on these matters. I know that I cannot say that in any of these arenas that I am discussing that I am any better that my heart and mind are free from judgment, I am broken and do not try to fool myself into believing that I have it all figured out. I am trying to see my own dysfunction and to use it to highlight areas of needed growth and recognize the pokes and prods on my heart and mind from God as Him teaching me humility and reliance on Him.

As to the subjects listed above this is the short version of my thoughts…People chose to see and hear what they want the purity of God’s love will shine through to the people who need it the most and those who remain hard-hearted and only see judgment instead of the deep love, forgiveness and affection that comes from our creator are losing in the end. Because there is nothing and no one in this world that can fulfill their every need like he can. Our God shaped hole can only be filled with GOD.

Here is how this relates back to me and my New Year…New Me idea.

I know all these things in my heart and mind, I know God loves me and He has a plan for me. BUT…I do not live like it. I have become a glass half empty person who through circumstances (in and out of my control) lost some of the joy and zest for life I once had. I want a NEW ME that is revived in faith and hope. As a parent my greatest wish is that my daughter loves and lives her life for God in modesty and humility. I do not want the sins of the mother to play out in her life. So as I have been thinking about New Years resolutions I have pondered many things not only the things that have been on my mind but how to eradicate the anger, frustration, and cloud that has been hanging over Peanut and I for some time now. I have been thinking of how to retain what I have learned and yet move closer to the path that God has set for me. But, especially the plan set for Peanut I do not want to be what detours her from her God-given path…I take my role as her parent very seriously I think that it is my job to rise above myself, my mistakes, selfishness and short comings to train her how to be what God desires her to be. It is truly needed it for both of us.

MY RESOLUTIONS INCLUDE:

1. READ GODS WORD EVERYDAY-I PLAN ON READING THROUGH THE ENTIRE BIBLE IN 90 DAYS STARTING JANUARY 1ST, 2013  :-[

2. TO PRAY EVERYDAY

3. TO TRY AND FORGIVE EVERYONE EVERY TIME FOR EVERYTHING (THANKS FBC FOR THAT PHRASE)

4. TO LIVE A MORE AUTHENTIC AND JOY FILLED LIFE NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT COME MY WAY

5. TO PLAY, WRITE AND HAVE MORE FUN.

6. TO COUNT TO TEN AND BREATHE BEFORE FACING MY DAUGHTER WHEN SHE ANGERS ME

7. TO LIVE A HEATHIER MORE PRODUCTIVE LIFE SPIRITUALLY, PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY

The new year looks bright with possibility…Peanut will be starting kindergarten bringing a new chapter to our lives, I am looking for new job opportunities and with these resolutions in my heart and mind (and posted in various places around the house) I hope that it is the best year we have had. Here is to embracing possibilities and finding a NEW ME in the NEW YEAR.

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!

MUCH LOVE,

Jenness

c/s

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Christmas Take 2

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Christmas for us was a 3 day event this year. We celebrated with my mom’s side of the family on Sunday for lunch and had a great time. My cousin Zebby who is to me a brother got a sweet gift and he is pictured below with it. It is always nice to connect with them it always reminds me of my Grandma Irene who loved Christmas and we always celebrated with her on Christmas Eve. She has been gone 4 years as of the 19th. I miss her so much and think of her everyday but even more so during Christmas time. On the Christmas Eve I went to services at my church as is my family tradition and enjoyed the message and music. I took some nice pictures while I was there too though the people around me probably thought that I was crazy taking pictures during service. 😛 When I was done with church I headed to my parents house to spend on evening snuggling with my some of my favorite little people Peanut Girl, and my niece and nephew. 2 of my little loves. (I have 3 other nephews. 🙂 ) We watched movies, ate yummy pizza and popcorn, stayed up way too late and had some laughs. It was a great way to spend Christmas Eve. Peanut Girl and I ended up staying at my parents because this broke Momma ran out of gas. So silly I knew I should have stopped to get some. At least it happened in a safe place where I had help at hand, my dad had extra gas in his garage. Yay dad for saving my bacon. (again) The next morning we had a super delicious breakfast of my moms traditional French Toast…yum. We then proceeded to open gifts with my 15 immediate family members it was loud and a little crazy and super fun to watch the 6 kids faces. By the time it came to the grown ups opening gifts the children and found their new favorite toys and ran to play. From my new favorite toy a mini FOOD PROCESSOR!! WOO HOO!!, to Peanut being spoiled rotten by our family we had a great day being surrounded by love and eating great food. I have several pictures of our 3 day endeavor below. I hope your Christmas was as full of love and joy as ours.

Jenness

c/s

 

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I Heart Faces December Challenge

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This month has been full of photos…I decided to put them all in the same place so here they are! I have had so much fun doing this challenge and learned so much about something I have always been interested in but never really pursued. But now I am thinking it is time for me to learn more about photography and to better document my daughter and I’s life through photos. 🙂 The phrase photography with a purpose comes to mind. Well I hope you enjoy them and as I post new ones I will add them. ❤

Jenness

c/s

This photo was submitted to the I Heart Faces photo challenge – www.iheartfaces.com

<img title="I Heart Faces Photo Challenge Submission" src="http://www.iheartfaces.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/I-Heart-Faces-button.jpg" alt="Photo Challenge Submission" />

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Christmas Is Coming…

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Christmas is coming!! My little love is so excited for Christmas she is anticipating the time with her cousins and  of course the presents. Being low on funds this year I (as previously mentioned) decide to make her gifts. I have been stressing the importance of remembering why we celebrate Christmas and trying to explain the significance of Jesus’ birth to her. Our home doesn’t celebrate Santa for our own reasons but I don’t think that it at all has diminished her love of the holiday. My daughter is a lover she loves her family as she puts it ALL THE WAY TO GOD…the first person that she ever said that wonderfully cute phrase to was not her Momma but her Grandma Hon. She LOVES her family I think partially her love is so strong because she is an only child and craves that companionship and friendship that a sibling provides.

I was pondering Christmas presents with no budget and during a talk with my mom about possibilities, together we came up with the idea to create a love wall of all her loves. So I set to make the vision a reality and my Mom helped me with supplies and last night or well really this morning I began painting shadow box picture frames and thinking of how to decorate them. I love to paint although I do not have an artistic bone in my body I set to work…I put a lot of love effort into them. It took me 5 hours 2 hot glue gun burns and paint all over my hands, arms, clothes, and table. The result was 1 plaque, and 4 photo frames that  will house all my babies loves.

I made a slide show of the end result below…they are perfectly flawed but I am proud of my effort.

Lots of love,

Jenness

c/s

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Fun Was Afoot

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Today lots of fun was afoot. 🙂 My little love and I last night spent the evening celebrating Christmas with family and during the festivities she received a fun new toy. She got a princess play-doh castle the second we got home (at 10:30pm) she wanted to put it together and play. With a promise to play today I whisked her off to bed. The first thing this morning she had it set to remind me that I promised to play with her. So after breakfast we sat for probably 2 hours and played with play-doh…it was so fun!! Making shapes and impression of princess accessories…Belle’s mirror, Aurora’s skirt even Prince Charming. We then moved on to making hearts and playing with the super cool gold sparkly play-doh!!! I felt like a kid again and my Peanut Girl was tickled pink to be playing with her Momma. I snapped some pictures of our play-doh fun. We were then off to scooter for a bit and send off some Christmas cards. When we came home I went into stealth mode to try to get one of my Christmas projects done…I am so very broke that I decided that I need to be creative and make gifts for all the little loves in my life from my daughter to my niece and nephews. I spent the day making snowman crayons with silicon baking molds and it was so fun trying to get them as colorful as possible and to see the cute shapes that came out when they had cooled off. These things though very simplistic fed a creative part of my soul and I think it is was a way for healing in my daughters and I’s relationship.

My daughter has been surrounded by adults since birth and as a result she acts and speaks like a much older child. This part of her I greatly appreciate and I think her maturity will serve her well in the future. But, as for the dynamics that it has created in our relationship sometimes it is very combative. She likes to be right and she likes to argue and get her way. And for us the last few weeks maybe months have been riddled with her boredom of being at home with mom not seeing her friends has creating a fire storm of sass and stir crazy behavior. I have written about phenomenon and the toll it has taken on my in another recent posts. So with all that her and I needed to sit down and just have fun with each other and I needed to get on her level and just play with my baby so that I could reconnect.

I love how God created an opportunity for me to see His hand in our lives and how He genuinely cares about me and Peanut. That He is answering my cries for help and solutions to the troubles we have been experiencing. Healing and restoration can always be found even in the something as simple as playing with play-doh on a dreary day in December. My heart is full today thank you Lord for that gift.

I have posted the pictures from today below and I hope with Christmas coming that you all find yourselves surrounded by love and that it brings you peace.

Jenness

P.S. The crayon project was super easy…(make the crayons naked) break up the crayons into small pieces, place them in the molds, then place them in a 275 degree oven and bake for 8 to 10 minutes. Let them set and remove them from the molds once they have completely cooled.

 

c/s

 

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Photography And Fun

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Today was a day of fun with photography I decided to go down to Katherine Albertson Park and try to get some pictures of LIGHT for my challenge today. As there was little light to work with because it was a cloudy day I was trying to get creative. I have been doing research online for photography concepts and enjoying myself so much trying to learn something new. As I have mentioned before I have been struggling with depression, anxiety and just in general not doing so well…but today I got out of the house I took a walk and it felt so good to be bathed in the cool crisp air and to be surrounded by some of the most beautiful things in nature. I felt refreshed and my mood was seriously improved and I felt stronger like the burdens are starting to lift. Tomorrow I think we will take another walk get out in the fresh air and let it start healing my soul. I took 88 pictures I edited them and have included the best of them below I hope that you enjoy the beautiful Katherine Albertson Park as much as I did today and always.

Jenness

c/s

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