New years time always makes me reflect on the year that is passing away and I mull over all the events that have taken place. My grandfather passed I loved and lost I failed more than I succeeded and I learned some things. Some of the largest take away’s from 2012 is change and living with purpose.
The things that I have experienced this year have pushed me to question my purpose and the plan I set for myself. I have always thought that first and foremost I was a Christian and that I let God be my guide but I am selfish, stubborn and impatient. I have it set that I will follow then I go the day without thinking of what God wants for me and I go full speed ahead…I do have to say though that because I solidly know that I am a child of God he always prods and pokes me and tries to get my attention whether it is through my daughter asking me why I am saying a naughty word or my own conscience telling me how much I need the connection with God that is often forgotten in my day-to-day world. I am going to be transparent my faith sucks…God has a plan for me and I have been on a detour I will find and be on the right path occasionally and remember that I am supposed to be living for a purpose but I am double minded so much of the time. I can’t say that I am making major mistakes or losing faith I have just been apathetic. I am tired frustrated and everything that I desire seems so very out of reach. I get a glimmer of hope, peace or of a dream fulfilled and it quickly slips from my grasp. I have been depressed and at times devastated this year. Yet hope remains…as well as many questions.
Here are some of the things I have working over in my crazy brain…why has casual Christianity become the norm?? Why is it that Christians will openly state that they want to have sex before marriage?? Why do Christians openly speak in hatred and judgment?? Why has it come to the place where Christians are the enemy?? How it is that conservatism has become a bad word, and that people want to excuse away their bad behavior under the cloak of forgiveness?? I am confused about how to show support and love to homosexual and or bi-sexual persons without condoning it…considering what the Bible has to say about it. Part of the reason that I struggle with that is because I can relate to the feelings of being lost and trapped and I seriously relate to the feelings of not being understood. I have never struggled with that particular battle but have and do struggle with similar things in relation to sexual sins. I don’t want to alienate or perpetuate the disconnect or hatred that is sometimes felt from Christians on this subject. I want to be a perpetrator of the purity of God’s love and healing. I pray that I can rely enough on God to help provide me with clarity of thought and heart on these matters. I know that I cannot say that in any of these arenas that I am discussing that I am any better that my heart and mind are free from judgment, I am broken and do not try to fool myself into believing that I have it all figured out. I am trying to see my own dysfunction and to use it to highlight areas of needed growth and recognize the pokes and prods on my heart and mind from God as Him teaching me humility and reliance on Him.
As to the subjects listed above this is the short version of my thoughts…People chose to see and hear what they want the purity of God’s love will shine through to the people who need it the most and those who remain hard-hearted and only see judgment instead of the deep love, forgiveness and affection that comes from our creator are losing in the end. Because there is nothing and no one in this world that can fulfill their every need like he can. Our God shaped hole can only be filled with GOD.
Here is how this relates back to me and my New Year…New Me idea.
I know all these things in my heart and mind, I know God loves me and He has a plan for me. BUT…I do not live like it. I have become a glass half empty person who through circumstances (in and out of my control) lost some of the joy and zest for life I once had. I want a NEW ME that is revived in faith and hope. As a parent my greatest wish is that my daughter loves and lives her life for God in modesty and humility. I do not want the sins of the mother to play out in her life. So as I have been thinking about New Years resolutions I have pondered many things not only the things that have been on my mind but how to eradicate the anger, frustration, and cloud that has been hanging over Peanut and I for some time now. I have been thinking of how to retain what I have learned and yet move closer to the path that God has set for me. But, especially the plan set for Peanut I do not want to be what detours her from her God-given path…I take my role as her parent very seriously I think that it is my job to rise above myself, my mistakes, selfishness and short comings to train her how to be what God desires her to be. It is truly needed it for both of us.
MY RESOLUTIONS INCLUDE:
1. READ GODS WORD EVERYDAY-I PLAN ON READING THROUGH THE ENTIRE BIBLE IN 90 DAYS STARTING JANUARY 1ST, 2013 :-[
2. TO PRAY EVERYDAY
3. TO TRY AND FORGIVE EVERYONE EVERY TIME FOR EVERYTHING (THANKS FBC FOR THAT PHRASE)
4. TO LIVE A MORE AUTHENTIC AND JOY FILLED LIFE NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT COME MY WAY
5. TO PLAY, WRITE AND HAVE MORE FUN.
6. TO COUNT TO TEN AND BREATHE BEFORE FACING MY DAUGHTER WHEN SHE ANGERS ME
7. TO LIVE A HEATHIER MORE PRODUCTIVE LIFE SPIRITUALLY, PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY
The new year looks bright with possibility…Peanut will be starting kindergarten bringing a new chapter to our lives, I am looking for new job opportunities and with these resolutions in my heart and mind (and posted in various places around the house) I hope that it is the best year we have had. Here is to embracing possibilities and finding a NEW ME in the NEW YEAR.
HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!