My whole life I have had this feeling of being left behind…I have never been content I always felt I was missing something, like a lost puzzle piece. I remember as a child walking up my driveway with my sisters and brother and getting so mad because they always went faster than me and left me behind. I would cry and hurt would well up inside me. So many stories like this flash in my memory from childhood until today. I don’t think my siblings were not trying to be hurtful. I just did not want to be left behind or miss out on something.
I was born three weeks late but when I finally decided to show myself to the world it was in a blaze of glory…I was born in 45 minutes they didn’t even have time in the emergency room to get my Mom to a room so I was delivered in the hallway. I love this story…partly because it speaks to my personality. I have always come to understand things in my own time and lived by the seat of my pants. There are some great parts of my personality like my loyalty, forgiving nature and passion. But, my impulsive, late bloomer way that came at the very beginning of my life has been a reoccurring theme. This deep sense of not belonging and being left behind while everyone else was moving forward, moving beyond where I was. I felt inadequate, I felt trapped, and like the wounds of the past will always haunt me and keep me in destructive patterns. With all the things weighing me down, keep my head above water has seemed like a momentous task at times.
Sometimes this feeling of life passing me by would come and it felt like my heart being ripped open from the inside out. I have thought and hoped that if just one thing would change it all and that I would be normal. But I was always left behind by the people I wanted most friends and lovers and it all culminated to me feeling empty and feeling unwanted. Why I have it so ingrained into the fabric of my being to put so much into the relational aspects of my life I do not know…but nothing strikes fear in my heart the way losing a relationship does. I feel like I will lose a part of myself if I lose someone who is important to me. My grandmother was a huge part of my everyday life for many years and she passed nearly 5 years ago…not one day goes by that I do not think of her and miss her. I am relational to the core of my being!!
After my daughter was born life changed and the focus shifted I was distracted and my heart began to gain some perspective. But I still feel that twinge a mixture of sorrow, rawness and loneliness. As, I have been feeling that lately. But, I would really like to come to a place where I feel content…peaceful no matter the circumstances. The feeling of wholeness. As the tears roll down my face writing this I am trying to seek truth and cling to it. I know I am not truly alone and that everything can be used for good…I just need to find that outlet and begin once again to peel back the layers to find my true self under all the feelings of insecurity and loneliness also come to the realization that I am not being left behind…that maybe my timetable for things is just different from other people’s. I pray that God provides me relief, sanity and peace…and it would be great if they were wrapped with a pretty bow sitting on my doorstep in the morning. 😀