Lately I am so tired and grumpy…I have been trying to keep my head up and to push through especially at work. My emotions are running high and I am unsure how to keep combatting the feelings. Anxiety and depression are like a demon on my shoulder they taunt me and tempt me to give in to them. I have been under slept and have not been eating right due to being low on funds and ambition. I know that the combination is contributing to my grump. My little Peanut is out-of-town once again in Hell’s Canyon for a camping trip with my dad’s side of the family. So I have the weekend to myself once more. The last time she was gone I was productive and it felt nice getting things done so I have high hopes for this weekend to pack and clean house.
It is interesting to me how depression works in my life. I have been in the midst of it for so long it has been hard to see through the haze to the catalytic event that started it off. But last year I lost a beloved job, a relationship that I was all wrong about and was unemployed for 6 months…oh yes and I withdrew from school a long-held dream that I wanted to succeed at and complete. I didn’t initially feel like things were going downhill but the longer Peanut and I were at home the more testy and anxiety ridden I got. I kept thinking that things would brighten up and that the cloud over my life would dissipate and the sun would come up. But things got worse. In my post Undone By Anxiety I detailed the worst of it all, the feelings of being out of control and the hatred I feel towards not being able to control my emotions and moods. Things now are not as bad but from experience I know they could be quick.
I just want to pull out of my funk love my life and not be worrying, crying and getting frustrated over the little stuff every 5 seconds. I had a little phrase that kept running through my head the other day and in a teachable moment I said it to my daughter…save your tears for the important things if you use them all up on the wrong things you may not have them when you need them. Of course I know that tears are unlimited but I think the heart of what I was getting at was just as much for me as they were for her…the everyday stresses of life come and go. But, the things that matter in life-like relationships with family and friends, our faith in God, serving people and finding our Godly purpose deserve out time attention and tears. Truly there are necessary lessons in life that bring us to our knees so that we can rise again stronger deserve our devoted attention. We can use the struggles and the pain as the refining fire of our souls. I am not minimizing the everyday stresses I just want to put them into perspective, allow my brain the freedom to focus on the real reasons that I am battling the blues…
I keep telling myself get through this month of a broken car and finding a new home, on the upside I get to organize and decorate a whole new space…which is literally the only good thing about moving. 🙂 The other bright spot is that I have always come out the other side of every hardship. So, I am still here fighting and praying.