Today marks some serious changed in the wind for my life. In the last 3 years I have had Peanut by my side at my job. I could just walk down the hallway if I wanted to see her little freckled nose and get a quick sweet baby kiss. But, today was different and as I was sitting in my classroom I looked out the window to see the big kids playing and realized that my Peanut was not among them. ( I made the decision to take her out of daycare and have family and friends watch her for the summer to save money.) My heart sank I missed her deeply…I felt silly for the strange feeling but couldn’t shake it. I knew she was safe and sound hanging with her cousins, Aunt Leah and Uncle Justy but the twinge of hurt was very real. Come August she will be in all-day kindergarten and I won’t see her during the day anymore. This marks a very momentous thing for me as a Mommy. My baby is not my baby anymore and she is entering the world. She is entering a world that I have nothing to do with. Wow it scares me!! I have been so blessed that I have gotten as much time with her as I have. Most working mom’s are away from their babies for 8 to 10 hours a day.
Ugh it is so hard to think that this is now my reality. Maybe I am being a sissy about it but Lily and I though we have our issues (like all mothers and daughters) are 2 peas in a pod and to think of her growing up and starting the inevitable trajectory out my door to her own life and world away from me brings tears to my eyes. I keep thinking I need to hold her more and not get so angry at her naughtiness. My mind keeps going back to the days when I was so in love with this new little life that I had a hard time putting her down even when she was asleep and I had things to do. I am still that in love with her but reality hit quick that I couldn’t hold her all day. Also she is now 48lbs not the 5lbs 14oz. she was when she came home from the hospital, which makes holding her all day a bit more tricky. 🙂
I think the sadness and heavy heart is also due to me turning 35 this year…it is my cut off for having more kids. A bit ago I came to the realization that more babies were not in the cards for me and though I am at peace with it for the most part, a little part of me is grieving because I always envisioned having more children. A brother or sister for my little love. I have 2 sisters and a brother and we had such wonderful times, laughing, playing, fighting and growing up together. I always wanted that for my kids and I know that she longs for it. But, despite my melancholy over it I am firm that I will not be having more. Peanut asked me about it the other day and I finally told her that a sister or brother was not an option and her face fell. These things are so hard for her little heart to understand I know she wants a companion that isn’t an adult. I have thought about fostering which I think would be an amazing and wonderful way to use my/our life and home to help those in need. Hmm we shall see…
In the meantime I am going to cherish the minutes, hours, smiles, laughter and sweet baby kisses she still is unashamed to give her Momma while I can. And be excited for her to start her educational journey…I can’t promise there won’t be tears but there will be lots of love!! I mean come on who couldn’t love this sweet little Peanut girl??