Today I heard words I thought I would never hear (well read)…Kay’s murderer has been found. These words sent me into an emotional tailspin I didn’t know what to think or feel. I was sitting in a nap room with kids still awake and I had to cover my mouth so that I didn’t sob out loud. As soon as I got the chance I took a break from my class and went outside of work sat in a chair called my mom to talk for a few minutes. And then sobbed for a full 20 minutes. So many things where racing through my mind and so much pain surfaced that it surprised me. I was shaking and raw like it happened yesterday. I let myself feel every moment of it and just let it out crying as hard and loud as I needed to let it out so I could function at work for the next 3 1/2 hours. It is hard to articulate what I am feeling the best I can do is to say that its a mixture of relief, sadness, anger and pain. I tried the best I could to sort it all out in my brain.
Then I saw him, the man who ruined my life the perpetrator of such unspeakable evils. Anger and rage surged through me in that moment I hated him and I could feel it in my throat I wanted to scream at him, hit him and make him see the pain he created. Every filthy word I have ever heard to describe the evil that this man is were being silently screamed at him. 15 years of no answers and hurt spilling out of my brain I abhorred him.
And then…it hit me square in the face like a still small voice…On March 25th in memoriam of the 15 year anniversary of Kay’s death I wrote this blog post…15 years later. Now that there is a face to the monster it is so much harder to let God’s justice reign supreme. I want justice I want to see and hear all his reasons, for him to have remorse, basically I want answers. But there is that still small voice in the back of my mind that was saying pray. Pray and forgive. I resisted. I mulled it over through the rest of work and the calmer I got the more clearly I could hear what was being asked of me. I hate it I don’t want to forgive I want to hate this despicable piece of shit who ripped apart so many lives. Kay is not his only victim he is a life long criminal and a truly evil man. Evil deserve hatred in my book…right?? As, I have thought on this throughout the rest of my work day, I talked to several people and still there was that voice again pray and forgive. God’s words haunted me and so did my mothers. Not only does God say vengeance is His, but He also says to forgive, when asked about it He said…Matthew 18:21-22 21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Yep there it is in black and white and God is breathing this into my heart and mind. My mother has said it a million times to me…forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person it has everything to do with you. Harboring hatred and malice in my heart for a man who doesn’t even know my name and could care less about me…holding onto these feelings can eat me up, they could embitter me once again and falling into that trap hurts me and it hurts Peanut. It doesn’t change anything and it doesn’t make it any better.
I came to a place of peace some time ago in relation to her murder. I truly believe in the supreme justice that God provides. I believe that whether he faces the consequences for his heinous actions here on Earth or not he has to face his maker. God is the one who will right this wrong, he already has…so I will not give in to the hatred that is trying to edge its way in. As I was driving away from work with tears in my eyes I prayed for this perpetrator of my pain. I told God I didn’t want to do it and I will have to give it over to Him again and again but I don’t want to be ruled by this evil. I am rejoicing for the sense of closure it has brought. Peace and total forgiveness are going to take a lot of work but I know that God is with me and that He knows what is best for me and for my heart so I am going to trust Him and I am going to pray. Praise God for this answer to prayer praise Him that Kay’s family is getting closure. God is good. Tonight I was surrounded by my wonderful family who, on a moments notice came and had dinner with me to provide comfort and support and pay homage to this victory of justice. Thank you to my beloved family for always being there when needed. I literally could not have gotten through this without your loving support you are what kept me alive in my darkest days after this tragedy came to our lives. I appreciate your support it was like being wrapped in a warm blanket on a cold day for my heart tonight. I love everyone of you all the way to God. ❤
For the full story from past coverage to how it unfolded today here is the link to the Idaho Statesman…Kay Lynn Jackson.