Words I thought I would never hear…

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Today I heard words I thought I would never hear (well read)…Kay’s murderer has been found. These words sent me into an emotional tailspin I didn’t know what to think or feel. I was sitting in a nap room with kids still awake and I had to cover my mouth so that I didn’t sob out loud. As soon as I got the chance I took a break from my class and went outside of work sat in a chair called my mom to talk for a few minutes. And then sobbed for a full 20 minutes. So many things where racing through my mind and so much pain surfaced that it surprised me. I was shaking and raw like it happened yesterday. I let myself feel every moment of it and just let it out crying as hard and loud as I needed to let it out so I could function at work for the next 3 1/2 hours. It is hard to articulate what I am feeling the best I can do is to say that its a mixture of relief, sadness, anger and pain. I tried the best I could to sort it all out in my brain.

Then I saw him, the man who ruined my life the perpetrator of such unspeakable evils. Anger and rage surged through me in that moment I hated him and I could feel it in my throat I wanted to scream at him, hit him and make him see the pain he created. Every filthy word I have ever heard to describe the evil that this man is were being silently screamed at him. 15 years of no answers and hurt spilling out of my brain I abhorred him.

And then…it hit me square in the face like a still small voice…On March 25th in memoriam of the 15 year anniversary of Kay’s death I wrote this blog post…15 years later. Now that there is a face to the monster it is so much harder to let God’s justice reign supreme. I want justice I want to see and hear all his reasons, for him to have remorse, basically I want answers. But there is that still small voice in the back of my mind that was saying pray.  Pray and forgive. I resisted. I mulled it over through the rest of work and the calmer I got the more clearly I could hear what was being asked of me. I hate it I don’t want to forgive I want to hate this despicable piece of shit who ripped apart so many lives. Kay is not his only victim he is a life long criminal and a truly evil man. Evil deserve hatred in my book…right?? As, I have thought on this throughout the rest of my work day, I talked to several people and still there was that voice again pray and forgive. God’s words haunted me and so did my mothers. Not only does God say vengeance is His, but He also says to forgive, when asked about it He said…Matthew 18:21-22 21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Yep there it is in black and white and God is breathing this into my heart and mind. My mother has said it a million times to me…forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person it has everything to do with you. Harboring hatred and malice in my heart for a man who doesn’t even know my name and could care less about me…holding onto these feelings can eat me up, they could embitter me once again and falling into that trap hurts me and it hurts Peanut. It doesn’t change anything and it doesn’t make it any better.

I came to a place of peace some time ago in relation to her murder. I truly believe in the supreme justice that God provides. I believe that whether he faces the consequences for his heinous actions here on Earth or not he has to face his maker. God is the one who will right this wrong, he already has…so I will not give in to the hatred that is trying to edge its way in. As I was driving away from work with tears in my eyes I prayed for this perpetrator of my pain. I told God I didn’t want to do it and I will have to give it over to Him again and again but I don’t want to be ruled by this evil. I am rejoicing for the sense of closure it has brought. Peace and total forgiveness are going to take a lot of work but I know that God is with me and that He knows what is best for me and for my heart so I am going to trust Him and I am going to pray. Praise God for this answer to prayer praise Him that Kay’s family is getting closure. God is good. Tonight I was surrounded by my wonderful family who, on a moments notice came and had dinner with me to provide comfort and support and pay homage to this victory of justice. Thank you to my beloved family for always being there when needed. I literally could not have gotten through this without your loving support you are what kept me alive in my darkest days after this tragedy came to our lives. I appreciate your support it was like being wrapped in a warm blanket on a cold day for my heart tonight. I love everyone of you all the way to God. ❤

Jenness

c/s

For the full story from past coverage to how it unfolded today here is the link to the Idaho Statesman…Kay Lynn Jackson.

 

 

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About jennessjohnston78

Hello World my name is Jenness I have been blogging for a couple of years I have used my Embracing blog to help me carry my burdens and to discuss issues that are sometimes very heavy...I am a passionate and very opinionated person I appreciate the outlet that blogging affords me...I am a single mom and have many struggles that I battle in my life but I feel a call on my life to share my blessings and struggles. I pray that the words that I write make there way to people who can be touched by them and that someway, somehow God can use them to have a positive impact. I love writing and though I am not great at it I started the Journal Of The Everyday in an effort to hone my skills and learn new things about myself through writing...I have a pie in the sky idea of someday writing a book...A lofty goal I know...so thank you everyone who joins me on my journey by reading my blogs...I welcome comments and feedback. Here is to embracing the possibilities of everyday life. :)

9 responses »

  1. Pingback: Words I thought I would never hear… | Embracing Possibilities

  2. Oh Jenness, how awful. It’s very difficult to forgive something like that, you are lucky that you have your faith. I’m not sure that I am a good enough person to forgive the taking of the life of someone I love. Although I’m very forgiving in a general sense, as everyone makes mistakes. I think that the taking of someone’s life is too big a thing to be classed as a mistake though. I hope you are ok.
    Love
    Jane x

    • Jane, I have been forgiven MUCH I know I am called to forgive…I don’t want to and I am angry but I don’t have a choice to be healthy and whole I can’t hold onto this and carry it like a badge of pain. My desire to forgive literally has nothing to do with me it is the Holy Spirit’s work in my heart and soul. I count myself lucky to be called a child of God. I don’t deserve His forgiveness but he gave it to me before I even asked. I live a blessed life and am grateful for God’s provision for myself and my Peanut girl. Thank you for your support it means a lot. ❤
      Jenness

  3. Today, as I was driving to Caldwell to train the office manager there, I felt the urge to pray. Pray for Patrick Jon Zacharias. I turned off the radio and flat out admitted to God this was something that I was having a VERY difficult time doing, something I absolutely DID NOT want to do. But something that I did, reluctantly, and not very well. I HATE what that man took from Kay, her parents and our family, from you. I prayed then for you and that was much easier. I clearly have work to do in this area. Thank you Jesus that this evil has been incarcerated and not able to murder anyone else (that we know of) though he has committed other heinous crimes against a child, thankfully, who is not dead. I will pray for his victims, however many there are, including their families. In moments when I am given a spirit of graciousness, I will pray for Patrick Jon Zacharias.

    • Mom wow God really is working on us all. I and felt such an outpouring of love and support and for that I am grateful!! God really is in control and I have seen His hand time and time again over the last 15 years up to now. ❤
      Jenness

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