As usual crazy brain is rolling out many thoughts and I am struck with the need to sit down and write…awhile back I wrote about my biological father in Heartbreaker I didn’t share this post on Facebook which is where many of my readers including my family link to the blog.) I think part of why I didn’t share it was because it came from a part of me that is dark and broken (also if he ever decided to look at my page he would have seen it as we are FB friends) and that part of my heart is sometimes scary to me and I didn’t know what reactions to expect from the people I know. It isn’t even that I don’t want him to read it, I do what him to read it I want him to be affected by my pain, frustration and anger, (which has not happened despite my attempts to communicate them to him) but moreover I was afraid that if he did read it that it would destroy our relationship. Realization hit me…the damage is done, and I didn’t cause it.
Some time has passed and I am starting to see that no matter how hard I have tried to hold on, no matter how hard I have tried to right the wrongs in my mind I am powerless in the face of fairness and attaining justice for my tattered heart. Do I even deserve it?? No where have I ever seen in God’s word or in the world this idea that all of life has to be fair and go the way you want it to go. I think more over what it boils down to is…do I as his daughter want to be in constant inner turmoil or do I need to come to peace with the idea that I will never get an apology or even an attitude of remorse for the ways that he has hurt and betrayed my heart.
It hurts, it sucks and I am not all to happy with what I know I need to do if I ever have a hope of a peaceful resolution for myself in relation to my relationship with him. Forward motion and forgiveness is needed. Ugh!!! (I don’t want to!) So many times my mother has said forgiveness isn’t for the person being forgiven…I don’t think I am yet ready for the place of total forgiveness but I am in a place where I can lower my expectations and start seeing him for who he is and try to start healing while at the same time protecting myself and my Peanut from being hurt in this capacity by him again.
I think that this issue ties into the whole idea of my goal to be emotionally healthier, therefore I cannot for myself harbor bitterness in my soul it doesn’t benefit me and it doesn’t benefit my life in any way. So I am in the process of adjusting my expectations and accepting that in this situations I may never get resolution, I may never fully understand all the why’s and I need to be ok with that.
I seek freedom for my heart to love more fully and to further accept people for who they are…the good, the bad and the ugly.