With so many random thoughts running through my brain it is hard to decipher which is the loudest and begging to be let out of my heart’s chamber to be thrust into the unknown to be read judged and liked or not liked. I have so many plates spinning that it is hard to stop and breath and focus on the things that need tending like housework and job hunting. I made a command decision that I needed help for the crazy brain to return to its “normal” amount of crazy and not be in hyper drive 24/7. So, with that being said…I have been realizing that though I am making legitimate efforts toward “getting better” the struggle is still ever-present. I have had many up days and some down ones but in the back of my mind the voices are getting louder and though I am trying to keep them at bay.
These things that plague me tell me that I am not worthy of peace or sanity and that the help I seek I am not worthy to have. But I know the truth I am worth it. I don’t want these things to hinder my dreams. I took this semester off to work I had bills to pay and needed a break so I made the hard decision to put school on hold for a bit. But the longer I have been at home the more I want to be at home…I have become lazy in my household tasks I have become lazy in my parenting and in the past 6 month my butt got bigger by 15 pounds. It sucks yet my anxiety and depression are holding me hostage with their lies robbing me of the confidence and the truth. I am a people person I do better with consistency and I need to be more active and doing exactly what the liars are telling me I can’t do.
I had a job interview today and I loved the interaction with the interviewers it was nice to think of once again bringing in much-needed resources to our broke world. I would love to be able to actually purchase my daughter new clothes since she seems to be growing out of the ones she has (btw she also has holes in every pair of decent pants) and she has nothing to wear for summer time. I love the idea of my gas tank being full and being able to once again leave the house without the restriction of not having enough gas to even get to church. All these things made me put on a pretty shirt do my makeup and go to the interview that I just didn’t want to go to. And for that I am grateful and whether or not I get the job I am trying and will continue to look for the right fit for as far as jobs are concerned.
It is sad to me that so many of my years have been spent shrouded in hurt, disappointment, fear, anxiety and more than I would like to admit that wicked four letter word depression. I often wondered what purpose it serves. I am not normal the world makes me long for ordinary and “normal” but my heart tells me to embrace the oddities and to let them right a fun, quirky and far more interesting story than normal could have ever brought me. When I was talking with Vincent he highlighted that what makes me “abnormal” is what he appreciates. How lovely of The Man to encourage me in the way that touches my heart the most. (If I could have kissed him for his words I would have!) Of course much more was said in the course of the conversation but my take away has been throughout our getting to know each other process is that I need to shift my focus and stop letting the lies rule the roost…I know for myself that I need to lean more on God and trust His words of love and encouragement…because He knows the number of hairs on my head!!! Now that is mind-blowing and if you have ever seen my wild mane of practically unmanageable hair that my beautiful Grandmother used to call my crowning glory, (she wore rose-colored glasses) you would understand how truly fantastic this really is!!
At the end of the day I am Jenness a crazy haired, crazy brained woman who is a Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend and I own all the dysfunction its ugliness, its beauty and its role in the person I am and the person I am becoming. I will try with all my might to give it purpose even when I don’t understand it and maybe just maybe I a beautiful, wonderful life will come out of the fight.
Philippians 4: 13 13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.