As those closest to me have I am sure have seen I have not been myself…during my fourth long-lasting panic attack in the last month I decided it was time to see the doctor. On Friday I had my Dad pick up Peanut and I headed off to the doctor’s office and as I sat far too much in my own head, I waited to discuss all the crazy that has been becoming a permanent resident in my mind and life. As I sat tears fell down my face and I was so afraid of what I would say and how I would act. As soon as the doc came in I couldn’t control the stream of frustration and pent-up emotions of the past 6 months. I discussed the numbness in my face and arms I discussed how I feel completely incapable of even doing simple tasks like doing the dishes or vacuuming the floors. A connecting theme in it all was the kind of parent I see myself becoming and that I cannot even seem to control my own thoughts…and I abhor it, I hate that my mind is betraying me and I am becoming my own worst enemy. My doctor said words that I didn’t want to hear she said…I think you are seriously battling DEPRESSION and that often it is interlinked with anxiety and panic attacks. To me DEPRESSION is a FOUR LETTER WORD. I hate the word I hate the stigma I hate that she was right…
Depression… a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.
Anxiety…distress or uneasiness of mind (1) one of its synonyms is disquiet…that is such a good explanatory word it means…lack of calm, peace, or ease; anxiety; uneasiness…to deprive of calmness, equanimity, or peace; disturb; make uneasy. (1)
Ok so lets combine these two definitions (my issues with anxiety I have discussed about in my blog Undone By Anxiety)…Distress or uneasiness of mind laced with emotional dejection and withdrawal topped off with lack of calm, peace, or ease with a chaser of sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. I mean REALLY?? No wonder I am freaking losing my mind that I feel so out-of-place and not at all like myself!! I feel stupid and trapped by my own brain, it has been betraying me at every turn and certainly did not see the danger and darkness that was looming ahead. Shit it seems as though it was purposeful in its trajectory and I think that is part of what pisses me off about depression and anxiety is that I have little choice about where it takes me I know I have been trying to battled it and to keep my sanity not only for my sake but for Peanuts too. But, it snuck in there anyway and took charge of my life.
Here is the silver lining of it all I was placed on a cheap medication that I can only pray to God works and I found out that my doc’s office offers counseling at $10 a session!!! It was such a relief to know that I had enough sense to ask for the kind of help that I needed and also that I can find affordable means of combatting the crazy. The social worker that I talked to said something that made a lot of sense…he said “sometimes we out grow our coping mechanisms and we need to learn new coping skills” Also in the course of the conversation he mentioned that the things that brought you to this point are different from the things you have dealt with in the past. Awe enlightenment and some sense returning to my brain.
I am truly glad that I had enough sense to reach out and ask for the help I needed and I pray that in a month I am far more on top of my game and on the path to a more stable and productive me, a better parent and a better person.