Heartbreaker…

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The first heartbreak I remember was not from a boyfriend in my teen years it was many years before that when I was far too young to articulate what I was feeling but looking back I can see now that my heart was broken into piece…the perpetrator of my pain was my biological father. Aside from my parents and the life I had with them I yearned for a relationship with him. I never understood the distance and passiveness of his role in my life that can be characterized best as a distant relative that occasionally popped in and out of my life making grandiose promises he never lived up too. He is a heartbreaker a charming and gregarious man who is affectionate and interesting…with tales of a wild life and excuses lots of excuses.

I have often wondered how people get to be this way where they seem good and trustworthy but the second you make an expectation the second you let your guard down they shatter your heart with a swift deadly blow. Many times as a child I was made promises and was left wanting and wondering and the heartbreak spilled down my face and pushed me into the arms of my mom and dad. I don’t know why I felt and still feel this hole where my love for him resides. I had a Daddy one who chose to be my father, he and my mom clothed, fed and loved me. They were the ones doing the hard work and also the ones cleaning up his messes…my mom much to her credit never spoke ill of him she never demeaned him or called him names she only spoke the truth that she knew and experienced in her relationship with him. When I was in my early teens I started to become uncomfortable with calling him dad and when I talked with my mom about it she told me that I could call him whatever I was comfortable with and from that day on I have called him by his name. Things were rocky and I being an emotional and sensitive person got bitter and angry…then my friend was murdered and my whole life went upside down and a year later after God worked on my heart I made a decision that I wanted to heal the relationship…God calls us to honor our father and mother…he doesn’t say only when they are nice, perfect, or do what we want them to do then honor them. He just says honor your father and mother…now I am and especially at this point in my life not perfect about this but God laid it on my heart and I choose to follow His lead.

I made a conscious decision to pursue a relationship with my biological father and from that day forward I have made an honest effort to be a part of his life, understand him and to support him and love him as he is…but I can tell you this much it is so hard sometimes through drug abuse, bad women and his constant selfishness I have had my heart torn out and stomped on more times than I can count. The tears so numerous only God can know the number. So many times I have wondered what the hell am I thinking why do I put my heart on the line knowing the track record knowing the emotional irresponsibility and the absolute nature of a man enslaved by selfish pursuits. The depth of the things that were going on his life I didn’t and most likely don’t want to know were never good enough excuses. The responsibility you have when people love you to do what is right by them to show them appreciation and love and to act selflessly on their behalf when they are in need never goes away no matter the excuse. I have cried on the shoulders of family member and friends to be told the same thing over and over again he is who he is…he will never change…though I know it is not about me it is hard to not take personally. I also believe that people can change if given the support and the right motivation.

This is also something I think why wish and hope and pray for someone to have a change of heart and enable them in the same breath. Why not take a stand and speak the truth?? Why not say what you mean especially in a situation like this. Holding my tongue had never been my strong suit and I believe that we are all given the opportunity to do it different so why not stand united and stop accepting the things we abhor.

I do not like to be ignored, I do not like to be disrespected, and made to feel like nothing by your apathy in regards to me and my feelings…you are a heartbreaker a trail of tears follows you around. And the greatest tragedy of all is that you knowingly perpetuate the hurt and make excuse for your bad behavior shame on you…shame on you for breaking your babies hearts I have no power over whether or not I love you…I just do I didn’t choose it and sometimes I wish I could stop and rule with the selfish apathy you display but my parents taught me better and I know your mom did too. Yet you still are breaking my heart you still make me cry at my most vulnerable moments. I hate that you can make me come undone that my heart aches over you, how can you not see what is right in front of you the people who love you the most are the people you hurt the most. Breaker of my heart you are about to lose two of the people who you say mean the most to you…I know you have to capacity to do the right thing…to be a bigger man one that follows through, I know that you have the capacity to be a man of your word…now the question remains are you going to be mad at me or are you going to be mad at yourself for perpetuating heartbreak…

Jenness

c/s

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About jennessjohnston78

Hello World my name is Jenness I have been blogging for a couple of years I have used my Embracing blog to help me carry my burdens and to discuss issues that are sometimes very heavy...I am a passionate and very opinionated person I appreciate the outlet that blogging affords me...I am a single mom and have many struggles that I battle in my life but I feel a call on my life to share my blessings and struggles. I pray that the words that I write make there way to people who can be touched by them and that someway, somehow God can use them to have a positive impact. I love writing and though I am not great at it I started the Journal Of The Everyday in an effort to hone my skills and learn new things about myself through writing...I have a pie in the sky idea of someday writing a book...A lofty goal I know...so thank you everyone who joins me on my journey by reading my blogs...I welcome comments and feedback. Here is to embracing the possibilities of everyday life. :)

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  1. Pingback: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly… | Journal of the everyday...

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