Today I am having a hard time calming the crazy in my head I am breathing deep breaths and in an attempt to manage I did some house cleaning in the midst of my efforts my sister sent me a text today to encourage me…John 14: 26-28 “26 But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. 28 “You heard me say, ‘I am going away and I am coming back to you.’ If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I.” That led me to my go to verse my favorite…Revelation 21: 4 “4‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Rarely have I read beyond that I have clung to those words in times of heartache and trouble like a life line to my heart…but today I was reading beyond those verses they seemed to accompany what my sister sent to me…”5He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” 6He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. 7Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.”
The parts that speak directly to my heart are…”I am making everything new…To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life.” I feel as though my soul is parched it is like a dry desert I pray I long and yearn for a solution as my face and arms are tingling and I am shaky herein the words that literally come the mouth of God are a promise to me He says everything will be made new and the thirsty will have their thirst quenched. My faith is a struggle last night my mom said something that I related to she said that I “seem to be afraid to completely trust God”…and the answer to that is yes I am I have bared my heart and soul open my life and my time a hundred times over to only to have it made to be nothing to be taken for granted and taken advantage of and partnered with that I am scared that the work that is ahead of me will destroy me and the small measure of control I have over things now will slip away from me and I wont have days of being undone I will have a life of being unraveled and crazy. I am so afraid that what is going on is so much more deep than I want to go reliving pain and heartache are before me and I am not sure I can come out the other side of it better for it. I hide from the hurt and I shrink from situations that would highlight my weakness. Openness and vulnerability are nearly 4 letter words to a soul torn apart by abuse, guilt, shame and disappointment in the state of my heart and mind my lack of forward motion in life. I don’t think that I am defeated by these things but what I do think about them is that they need to serve a purpose and it is hard for me to clearly see why my trouble soul lingers and why I get just enough hope and progress to barely get me through another long valley…I want to embrace the words God breathed into the Bible and not live with such a restricted view. Long ago I thought outside of the box I was an optimist and though I tend to be that way with other people’s lives it is hard for me to apply that viewpoint to myself. Though I am experiencing the effects of the anxiety and the current struggles are yet without a solution the words, peace I leave with you; my peace I give you & do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid…are a reminder that I am not alone the fight is not only my own but my Heavenly father cares He doesn’t want me to despair and to let my heart be troubled. He wants me to have peace through it all and to fight for these things.
The rawness and sharp pain of a life not fully lived and appreciated is in and of itself a struggle. I want to be the person God purposed for me to be and I see glimmers of that woman and for that I am grateful…but for the uncontrollable things in my life for the things rob me of my sanity and steal moments of joy and peace from my Peanut and I. I need prayer, I need solutions and I need understanding. I want to come out on top of this a better Mom, person and even more than that a more faithful follower of the King of all creation…one thing I do know is that He has not and will not abandon me even in my darkest pit I have felt His hand and seen His devotion to me. I am always humble and touched that no matter my level of commitment that He still seeks me…what kind of love is this that the wayward child is still pursued by her Father the King of the universe who could have written me off and given me over to myself and the world. He loves me and honors the covenant I made at 8 with Him to be a follower of Christ…”29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows” Matthew 10: 29-31
Facing whatever the day brings, seeking ways to cope in the midst of anxiety and frustration, trying remember the words I have read today are all part of what I think will help me come out the other side of this. I don’t have the answers and I am not ashamed to admit that. I think it would be more shameful to not reach out and seek help to wallow and let myself wither into a shell of myself. I pray for renewal of heart and mind to be freed from the shackles of anxiety and the feelings of inadequacy. God said it Himself…”even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.”
P.S. I took a lovely drive to Bogus Basin on Saturday it brought my heart and mind much peace God put on a real show in the skies…I would love to share His love letter to my heart in the form of the pictures of took of the beauty he created. ❤