Here I am after a hiatus and tonight my blog is my journal I haven’t been avoiding writing I just haven’t been making time for it. Part of it has been my ANXIETY I am not going to sugar coat it I am not going to try to pretend that I am ok today I am going to try as hard as I can to just say what I need to get off my chest.
As I sit here writing tears are in my eyes, and I am shaking, I feel like I could throw up any minute and my heart is threatening to betray me by stopping all together because it is so heavy that my chest hurts and all of these things are a 4th of what they were yesterday. Part of what is so frustrating about an anxiety/panic attack is that I cannot control it I have been trying for weeks to keep this at bay to manage my stress and to relax, pray and do things that distracted me from the anxiety and panic that was looming at edge of my consciousness. I don’t know how to control this I don’t know what to do.
Two days ago I was subjected to a very high stress situation involving extreme discomfort with a now ex-friend that turned to fear, frankly I can see that it was somewhat unreasonable fear but nonetheless it threw me off the prevention track and into a full on panic/anxiety attack. Yesterday I got up and was just off, irritable and snappy every time I turned around I was snapping at my Peanut for very little I was straight forward and kept asking for my space but as I was on my knees stain removing and trying to talk things out with a friend and all the sudden I knew I needed help and that I was coming undone I didn’t hesitate and I called my dad I told him I was not in a place to be a good mom and that I needed help and he became my angel in the moment without question said yep bring her up. Even not being myself I praise God that I had enough sense to reach out and do what was best for Peanut. After dropping her off I could no longer hold it back or put on a brave face and I came completely undone.
I felt out of control, one minute I was angry the next I was reduced to a puddle of tears. I was driving not knowing where I was going I was trying to rationalize in my head what I wanted or needed and I was drawing a blank…because I didn’t know what I wanted or needed I called my momma and talked with her a bit she reassured me that I had done the right thing with Peanut and that she was there and would help how she could…I got off the phone though knowing Peanut was safe I was once again overcome by crying, shaking and feeling powerless and not having any idea what would make me feel better. I literally went home locked myself in I got in bed and curled up and just let the fan blow over me I laid there for probably two hours. Anxiety is define as…distress or uneasiness of mind (1) one of its synonyms is disquiet…that is such a good explanatory word it means…lack of calm, peace, or ease; anxiety; uneasiness…to deprive of calmness, equanimity, or peace; disturb; make uneasy. (1)
Anxiety is a terrorist of the mind it robs me of my sanity and peace of mind, all of the things in the above definition were felt in hyper drive. It hurts in a way that feels like it cannot be soothed. I was to the point yesterday where I seriously considered checking myself into a psychiatric unit. I have never in my life considered this before but I had a moment where I didn’t know what I would do if I didn’t figure a way to come back to earth…all I could think about something has to work I needed to find a way to cope and as I continued to lay in bed I kept thinking that a hot shower would help but I couldn’t get up I just laid there felt myself breath and felt the pressure of my weight on my arms and pulled in tighter finally through the tears I could feel myself starting to come back to reality…I eventually made myself get up I got into the shower put the water as hot as it could go and I tried to let go praying and trying my hardest to relax under the flow and pressure of the steaming water. Feeling more human with the familiarity of my ritual I got out of the shower and the fog had lifted just enough that I wasn’t feeling completely hopeless.
I got in the comfiest clothes I own and watched one of my favorite shows. My sweet Peanut called to say good night and after I got off the phone I felt blessed for the opportunity to rest…I would like to say I may not have a perfect relationship with my parents but I am telling you right now without them I can’t and don’t want to imagine my life and how different my struggles as a single mom who battles the things that I do would be…I am SOOOO grateful that without question and without judgment my parents have left dinners taken time away from their lives, friends and come to help myself and Peanut. All I have to do is say I need your help and they do it. Praise God they love me that much praise God they love Peanut that much and that they are willing to help us both in this way. I can never ever thank them enough. Throughout the day many people reached out to me and gave me encouraging words and things to hold onto I am very grateful for the sweetness of a new friend and for the rest that God gave me when my head hit the pillow.
This morning though I awoke earlier then expect but it was for good reason…my sweet little Peanut was trying to call me and I woke up just missing call 5 from her I listened to her sweet voice (on my voicemail, which I saved) 🙂 telling me how much she loved me and that she just wanted to talk to me. The 6th call I picked up and had a nearly 20 minute heart warming conversation with my greatest blessing in which I learned that she was using the phone without permission and that her Pop and Hon (grandparents) were not even awake yet. I didn’t care about the naughtiness in the moment I cherished every word from her sweet lips they were salve on my hurting heart. Today was a little easier still shaky and emotional but functional. And for that I am grateful. I am trying to not be a victim of this but to gain better understanding and to find tools to try to prevent the thief of anxiety from robbing me of precious time. Time is something we never get back and all the hours and days I have lost to this makes my stomach turn. While doing some research this evening trying to put some tools in my belt I found a list of things that I think are fairly tangible for me to help manage the crazy…
- Get daily exercise. Exercise is a powerful stress reducer, can improve your mood and can keep you healthy. It’s best if you develop a regular routine and work out most days of the week. Start out slow and gradually increase the amount and intensity of exercise.
- Eat a healthy diet. Avoid fatty, sugary and processed foods. Include foods in your diet that are rich in omega-3 fatty acids and B vitamins.
- Avoid alcohol and other sedatives. These can worsen anxiety.
- Use relaxation techniques. Visualization techniques, meditation and yoga are examples of relaxation techniques that can ease anxiety.
- Make sleep a priority. Do what you can to make sure you’re getting enough quality sleep. If you aren’t sleeping well, see your doctor. (2)
I am going to go do the last one right now…before I sign off I want to thank everyone who reads my blog this outlet is literally a life saver for me and I appreciate all who take time out of their day to look in on my life. ❤
Embracing a better tomorrow,
References used in this post…