I have been wandering around in a fog and I feel just raw almost to the point of indifference. I write, I process, talk and I ponder trying to figure things out but I just feel like I have a big gaping open wound that I just can’t heal. So many things have happened this week that I am lost as to how to handle or work through. I feel like I need to put on a brave face and just keep trucking along when all I want to do is curl up and sleep for about a week. I have been on edge, down cast and been so lazy. I am torn up, things have been piling up not just from the last week but from the weeks, months and years of shit. You get just enough over things to be able to smile in the face of adversity. Just enough to be in the same room as someone who has hurt you or that you have hurt and not burst into tears or scream out at the top of your lungs about the pain you that has been perpetuated in the relationship. To think that maybe a little healing has come and then it hits you full in the face. All the hurt, pain and anxiety of unresolved issues that eat away at the floor of my confidence, resolve, faith and integrity.
The things that no one says are all the things I want to say. Right now, I am not ok. I do not want to smile. I am hurting…drowning some days in it and I want to throw up the white flag of surrender. Tears are streaming down my face in fear that this is all there is and that all I have dreamed of will always be just out of reach for me. I more and more am becoming a realist and not living in a world of fairy tales and happily ever after’s. The truth is IT DOES NOT HAPPEN FOR EVERYONE. This is not a pity party or a sonnet of sorrow begging for affirmation. It is that today I refuse to sugar coat the hurt I refuse to lie to myself about the truth I see but don’t always admit. I am broken and bleeding it is very painful and I don’t want to cower behind false vibrato and put on a happy face.
I wish I had better ways of handling the things that come at me. I wish I had learned healthy and healing habits that helped to perpetuate continual forward motion. I don’t, I have a broken down crazy brain, emotions that bring me to the pit of disparity and back to the height of joy all in a matter of an hour on occasion and a past of abusive situations and people…strung together with bad decisions that have created the situations I find myself in today. I lay no blame to others for my short comings. I think that circumstance bring us opportunities to either do it better or to let it bring you down. And a lot of the time I have let it bring me down.
Long suffering is something that I have been called several times before, I used to embrace the victim part of that idea. Oh poor Jenness people just don’t treat you right…isn’t it Dr. Phil who says…you teach people how to treat you? Here is the part that I would like to take away from it…strength. A wonderful friend told me…”You are stronger than most people think you are.” I want to believe that. I think for me seeing how things are realistically means that I have the opportunity to be stronger, wiser, and in the end may have more to offer in the ways of helping others get through the things that I have struggled with and through.
I know that part of me is just ranting and that in a few days the outlook will not be so grime and that with time I will see the sunnier side of things. And the truth is that no matter what has happened I have always come out the other side I wouldn’t say unscathed by any means in fact the opposite. The rawness that I feel is not new its has always been a part of me. I don’t remember a time when it wasn’t there I couldn’t define it before but it always lingered. Part of me thinks that it is was built into me to keep me more grounded I tend to have a pie in the sky attitude as well as the attitude of an eternal optimist. That is until life gets in the way. Potentially it was God’s provision for me because he knew what a slow learner I would be and also how stubborn I would become.
I long for peace and relief it is one of my greatest wishes. I pray and thank God for my struggles and trials I praise Him for the lessons He has brought. I would say that it has lessened the sting of things. Strangely, I never loss hope no matter how much I hurt or struggle the stubbornness that is ingrained so deep keeps me persistent in hoping for a better outcome in life. I seek better tools to manage when the dark clouds don’t lift and I feel trapped by the depth of the sorrow I feel for life’s circumstances. Today I don’t have the answers in mind but maybe I should let the rawness guide me to where I need to be and use it as a tool and not a hindrance on the path to the answers I seek. What I would ask of anyone willing is prayer. Pray for me and that I find productive and useful ways to use what I have and will experience to benefit myself, my daughter and any other person who crosses my path that can use my struggles and frustrations to guide them on a more peaceful path then the one I am on. And prayer for wisdom and peace.
Thank you for listening and supporting me by reading my words knowing I have an outlet such as this is in and of itself has been blessing and source of healing.