Yesterday I did it…I committed a crime and I got caught. I will not pretend that I am not completely at fault and that I didn’t deserved what I got. And what I got was 2 big fat tickets that are going to cost me and arm and a leg!!! I have not had a ticket for a long time I have not been so irresponsible in a long time either when it came to keeping my car legal. I ran out of money and now I have run out of luck. My Grandmother used to tell me if it wasn’t for bad luck you would have no luck at all. Sometimes I completely believe that old adage.
Today, that is how I felt. That my luck has run out!! I don’t know what it is that perpetuates the irresponsible behaviors that spring up in my life. They are a part of me that I wish I could just melt away. The underling issues I think, spring from feeling like I am not in control that I don’t have choices or a voice to work my way out of something. Financially things have always been very tight for me mostly because I am either under employed or just haven’t managed things very well. And this time around it was a combination of both. I have been in the past generous to a fault and given time, money or food to someone because it hurt my heart to say no. As I said before the idea of irresponsibility I don’t think about the future I a lot of the time live in the now. (I always kick myself when I have nothing left for what is needed i.e. bills etc.) As of late after experiencing the sting of not being paid back or appreciated for my efforts in turn I have hardened and I seem to like people less and have far less tolerance then I used to for helping. With that being said I feel that God is constantly prodding my heart to stay open and to keep in mind that He gave me my heart for His people. If it was up to just me after all I have been through and experienced I would have given up long ago on people. But because I believe that Jesus lives and works through this battered and broken person I realize that despite bad days even ones that result in legal ramifications that I am blessed…I wrote this September 17th, 2012 and it was a great reminder to me when I ran across it today…
I have had much sorrow in my life and appreciate the gifts that I have been given even more because of it. My heart is a patchwork of healed and partly healed scars. But, I do not see this as a hindrance but as a map of the journey that has brought me to the person I am today. My battered and bruised heart are a sign of loving deeply and giving till it hurt. I try to live without regrets and know that each path was orchestrated to help me learn something. It is in a sense a beacon to reality, truth, and forgiveness.
So I need to dig deep and find the lessons that this long shitty week has to offer me. I think I need to mull over more the things that I have been thinking and make my I did it…into a positive reinforcement.