I did it…

Standard

Yesterday I did it…I committed a crime and I got caught. I will not pretend that I am not completely at fault and that I didn’t deserved what I got. And what I got was 2 big fat tickets that are going to cost me and arm and a leg!!! I have not had a ticket for a long time I have not been so irresponsible in a long time either when it came to keeping my car legal. I ran out of money and now I have run out of luck. My Grandmother used to tell me if it wasn’t for bad luck you would have no luck at all. Sometimes I completely believe that old adage.

Today, that is how I felt. That my luck has run out!! I don’t know what it is that perpetuates the irresponsible behaviors that spring up in my life.  They are a part of me that I wish I could just melt away. The underling issues I think, spring from feeling like I am not in control that I don’t have choices or a voice to work my way out of something. Financially things have always been very tight for me mostly because I am either under employed or just haven’t managed things very well. And this time around it was a combination of both. I have been in the past generous to a fault and given time, money or food to someone because it hurt my heart to say no. As I said before the idea of irresponsibility I don’t think about the future I a lot of the time live in the now. (I always kick myself when I have nothing left for what is needed i.e. bills etc.)  As of late after experiencing the sting of not being paid back or appreciated for my efforts in turn I have hardened and I seem to like people less and have far less tolerance then I used to for helping. With that being said I feel that God is constantly prodding my heart to stay open and to keep in mind that He gave me my heart for His people. If it was up to just me after all I have been through and experienced I would have given up long ago on people. But because I believe that Jesus lives and works through this battered and broken person I realize that despite bad days even ones that result in legal ramifications that I am blessed…I wrote this September 17th, 2012 and it was a great reminder to me when I ran across it today…

I have had much sorrow in my life and appreciate the gifts that I have been given even more because of it. My heart is a patchwork of healed and partly healed scars. But, I do not see this as a hindrance but as a map of the journey that has brought me to the person I am today. My battered and bruised heart are a sign of loving deeply and giving till it hurt. I try to live without regrets and know that each path was orchestrated to help me learn something. It is in a sense a beacon to reality, truth, and forgiveness. 

So I need to dig deep and find the lessons that this long shitty week has to offer me. I think I need to mull over more the things that I have been thinking and make my I did it…into a positive reinforcement.

Jenness

c/s

Advertisements

About jennessjohnston78

Hello World my name is Jenness I have been blogging for a couple of years I have used my Embracing blog to help me carry my burdens and to discuss issues that are sometimes very heavy...I am a passionate and very opinionated person I appreciate the outlet that blogging affords me...I am a single mom and have many struggles that I battle in my life but I feel a call on my life to share my blessings and struggles. I pray that the words that I write make there way to people who can be touched by them and that someway, somehow God can use them to have a positive impact. I love writing and though I am not great at it I started the Journal Of The Everyday in an effort to hone my skills and learn new things about myself through writing...I have a pie in the sky idea of someday writing a book...A lofty goal I know...so thank you everyone who joins me on my journey by reading my blogs...I welcome comments and feedback. Here is to embracing the possibilities of everyday life. :)

2 responses »

  1. Pingback: Food Stamps… « Journal of the everyday…

  2. Pingback: Low income… | Journal of the everyday...

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s