Today I officially signed up for the weight loss challenge. I was weighed in and realized that I have lost 6 pounds in the last month. I guess change is happening and I just need to get on board with it. Before we left the house my daughter was going through my yearbook from my sophomore year today and she found a picture of me that I forgot existed. It was a picture of me in a candy striper uniform at St. Luke’s. I looked so slim and happy. I had a big smile and looked as though I had not a care in the world. Oh to be 15 again…well I don’t mean I literally want to be 15 again, I mean to be that innocent of heart and mind to live again as though the world has not embittered you. To not know loss and the sting of the harsh realities of the world. For me that was mostly true I had yet to be in love and to be heartbroken or experience the death of someone I love.
But for me, what the picture does not show was that I did have hardship and pain because I was bullied in school. From a very young age I was teased harassed and made fun of. I, as I have mentioned before struggled with ADHD to me it felt like a curse because little was known at the time I was diagnosed I felt as though I was educationally discounted because no one (as far as teachers) really wanted to bother with truly figuring out how I learned best and how to keep my attention long enough to help me figure out things like math which is still a huge struggle. (It is like I have an emotional and mental block with it.) I felt labeled. I think part of the bullying stemmed from me attending a “rich” school though I felt like we had a comfortable life I never remember wanting for anything. I know that we as a family were not in league with our closest neighborhood that was a 1 1/4 away. All the kids I grew up with had doctors and lawyers for parents and were privileged. Though I never saw anything wrong with our life they did, and I was a target of their ridicule and hatred for God only knows what reason. I could ponder and wonder if it was my overly emotional reactions, or they fact that I was awkward with big glasses and crooked teeth (which thanks to my parents are now perfectly straight) or the fact that I lived in a double wide trailer, yes with polyester curtains and a red wood deck!! (Country fans I hope you get the reference) 🙂 I loved where I grew up in the middle of nowhere surrounded by adventure.
Though, I do remember going home nearly everyday tears streaming down my face being afraid of my peers and hating what they stood for…Cruelty, privilege, excess and sometimes pure evil. I can say that the girl in the picture is but a shadow…but…from the torture and teasing from the pain and anxiety arose a woman who is yes fractured a bit but that has a burning desire to fight against injustice to give a voice to the voiceless. I want to speak candidly about the things no matter the pain they caused no matter the emotions that are tied to it because I think that with open and honest discourse comes healing help and forgiveness. One thing I have learned is that the act of forgiving is more the forgiver than the forgiven. Especially because sometimes the offenders either do not know or care about the pain they have inflicted. Being set free from the bonds that threaten to weigh you down literally for me is something that is so very appealing.
I know that all the things I discussed have helped to create the physical barriers I have surrounded myself with in my battle against obesity. I have talked myself out of trying to lose weight with the thoughts of…I already have so much on my plate and am overwhelmed with this and that and I can’t handle one more thing…my mom made a comment on yesterday’s post saying no more excuses.
I truly do want to be healthy I want to be able to go and do whatever I want and not be lazy at home. I want to be an example to my daughter so I will keep the idea of forward motion in the forefront of my mind. I want to take this challenge seriously.
FORWARD MOTION JENNESS FORWARD MOTION THAT MEANS GET OFF YOUR HINEY AND TAKE A WALK, EAT THE YUMMY VEGGIES YOU BOUGHT TODAY AND DO IT DIFFERENT AND BETTER TOMORROW.