The past week there have been more tears from Mommy than smiles. Fighting has been the name of the game for about 2 weeks. I have not work for several months after the closure of my place of employment. Which means that we have been confined to the house A LOT!!! With little money for gas and little for much else hence being at home. Now I will preface all of this by saying I have a social butterfly of a child she takes after me in this regard I love having people in and around our lives and I always have, and being that she is a only child…I think she covets her time with her friends, cousins and any other grown ups in her life. She loves people. And has been asking for friends to visit and I think she bored out of her mind lately.
So…yesterday with a combination of many things all my life’s struggles and frustrations came up to rear their ugly heads in all the worst ways. I have had a growing fire burning in my heart and soul, I am angry all the time I am overly frustrated, testy and so emotionally raw that the littlest offense sets me for a tailspin. Mix all it all together and don’t forget to include me being stir crazy, penniless and depressed. My Mommy stew was a very volatile combination and the Mommy boiled over to the point where I literally could not stop the tears.
I am a single mother I have been since the day she was born and the journey is one that I never thought that I would have to take. I never envisioned this in my life. I don’t lament the fact that I am a single mom it is my life. I would not change it but I can tell you on days like I have been having I go down a shame spiral of anger, fear, self-loathing and more frustration than I can even explain…this is not the life I envisioned for me or for my children. I am in no way the mother that my daughter deserves…I yell way too much, my punishment doesn’t always match the behavior, and I am inconsistent. Most of the time I have NO IDEA what I am doing I am lost floundering with the idea floating in my head every single day that I am ruining her and setting her up to fail…to be a failure at life and love that she too will be 34 single, lonely and feeling completely inadequate to parent the child that God entrusted to her care.
I cry for my behavior, I cry because I am sometimes mean, I cry because I sometime have a hard time trying to control my anger and frustration , I cry because she just wont listen, I cry at the disrespectful words that fly from her beautiful lips, I cry because her sweet voice become screams in my face telling me no, I cry because she is 5 and I am 34 and I should know better, I cry because I feel SOO PAINFULLY ALONE in it all and, I cry because I don’t know what else to do.
My heart hurts my eyes are welling up again as I am writing these words I wondered yesterday…if this is how I handle 5 how will I ever handle 15? How will I teach her to respect the authorities in her life, and how will I train her to use her vast array of positive attributes and gifts to the best of her ability if I can’t even keep my composure long enough to get through this bout of naughty behavior.
Many times as a parent I have been brought to my knees and humbled. I have never had such a gut wrenchingly hard burden of responsibility in my life. God chose me, ME to help to shape this little life into what He envisioned her to be. She has a God given purpose in this life, one that she needs to be prepared for in a way that lets God shine through the work her little hands will do.
HOW DO I DO THAT?!?!
Yesterday, I was wracked with sobs and felt a serious panic attack coming on. I reached out to a friend and she offered to come over…with that glimmer of hope I got in the shower and let boiling hot water pour over me like healing waters, burning and stinging my skin while the tears continued to fall all I could do was cry out to my Lord first asking why this precious child was saddled with a broken jalopy of a Mommy and then on to PLEASE LORD help me to do it different. I discussed my issues with Peanut and I cried to Him about the injustice of it all that she deserved better and begged Him for guidance. When I got out I was exhausted and I would love to say an epiphany came over me and that I was healed that I didn’t cry any more and that I am no longer angry or frustrated. That didn’t happen…but what did happen is I had the courage to face the day again and that I went downstairs and let people who love me do for me, by cooking dinner and making yummy cookies. They helped with Peanut girl and once bed time rolled around I was grateful for the break.
I don’t believe in fairytales I don’t think that there are quick fixes. Though many times in my life I surely have wished that there where. I am impatient and impulsive and though I have done much work in these area’s of my life to curb that part of me. I am nowhere near past these things affecting my life. But I am aware of these parts of me and reality teaches me the lessons I need to learn every single time I try the easy way out. I have learned that you HAVE to drudge through the shit to come out the other side of something, AND I can guarantee you will not come out the other side of it clean…not when you are drudging through shit. But you can gain wisdom, and the scars and bruises you bear serve as a remind you of where you have come from and what you learned.
I am not without hope…I am a broken Christian and in no way good at it…but I do know that God promises me in 1 Corinthians 10:13 that…”13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” Nowhere here does he promise happiness, or peace, nowhere does He promise no troubles.
He says…he will also provide a way out so that you can endure the inevitable trials and tribulations. There is no fairytale there…but there is HOPE!! He gives me a way to endure. I cannot see that way today…I may not see it tomorrow but I got out of bed this morning I am trying to be calmer and more aware of things and I am doing something I love writing so my heart can purge my pain and I can begin moving forward.
Here is something else I know…I need to find better tools I need to use creative thought to find a solution and I need to pray and think before I speak. I love my child so much it hurts and for reasons unknown to me I was given the gift and blessing of her in my life…I also know that if after the last two weeks of stress and fighting I can still be overwhelmed with joy and love for her when she is sweet or funny I then know that something is working right. I am open to listening to advice or some creative ideas about how to manage during these kinds of struggles.
Today is a new day tomorrow will most likely be better.