A Bit Of A Let Down

I somewhat knew I was headed for a bit of a let down. I did it anyway. Many times in my life I have faced the question that has  been lingering in my mind for sometime now. Does the man like me or not?? I have had the pleasure of getting to know a funny, sweet, complimentary, smart as s*** man, and I have enjoyed every single conversation…we have share smiles, struggles, commonalities and lots and lots of laughter and flirting. We have been talking for months now and I though I knew he had some issues that involved closeness I felt like we made progress. So I asked him if we were going to have forward motion and I am a bit let down…he said the friend word. Here is why I am a bit let down…he has all the qualities that I have looked for respectful, kind, driven, witty and just awesome. My little heart longs for companionship and love. To be respected and treated like an equal to have a real and lasting relationship built on the firm foundation of trust and faith. I am 34 and I feel like I am running out of time to have more babies and a husband…and I feel that all that I crave will pass me by. As a child and young woman all I wanted was to be a wife and mother. I have the mother part and I love being a mom. But, I have been waiting many years for the wife part. . My past isn’t pretty or fun…it is riddle with pain and heartbreak…from a seven-year relationship that ended because he was honest and said he was embarrassed of my size to a marriage that brought me to my knees in front of God asking what I did do to myself. In some ways I understand why things happened how they did. My path brought me my daughter, my path brought me friends that I would not have otherwise had and it brought me love. I think just because it didn’t last or it wasn’t right doesn’t really matter,  I have never lacked for love in my life and for that I am grateful…I am always humbled at the extent of the love my Savior has for me…I know I am unworthy of it. Yet love and forgiveness still flow. I think that is why even with this disappointment I seem to have hope. I have hope that my time will come and that it will be all that I have dreamed of. A beautifully, perfectly flawed person who sees me for me and loves anyway. 🙂 So to the idea of being a bit let down…I guess it is just another way to learn and grow and its time to move forward on the path to happily ever after no matter what that looks like.

Jenness